A chant floats across the rooftops of the shadowy city, like a whisper of want … upon the wind.
“Streeeeeaaaaaaammmiiiiiiinnng!”
Eyes shooting open, I awake from my slumber. “Well hello there,” I say casually, tying my best silk robe around my supple waist. “Welcome to the column. Won’t you pull up a chair?” I don’t even take the time to rub the eye crust away, that’s how prepped and ready I am, like a brilliant episode of morning tumescence, or a kid with a lemonade stand, just trying to make a few extra bucks to buy drugs with. Let’s do this thing!
Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
The Firm
If this were Latino Noche night in the NBA they’d call this movie, El Firm. But you guys, real talk, this is how these big law firms operate. They vet you, wine and dine you, and then they also usually have something nefarious going on behind the scenes. Believe me, I’ve known a lot of lawyers, and they ALL, to a man and woman, have crazy eyes like Tom Cruise in The Firm. In 1993 this was a fun film, but I think I might like Devil’s Advocate better. Always go full Keanu when you’re looking for love.
Streamability: Oh, hell yes. For sentimental and cautionary tales alone.
Netflix Smarminess of the Week (streaming)
Alfie
I don’t remember much about this film, other than Jude Law being very smarmy and great with the ladies. But be honest with yourselves out there, boys and girls, which Jude Law would you choose – Alfie, the remake? Or the one who liked to take pictures of dead people in Road to Perdition? Not even a close call, is it? Gotta go with the fella who shares your interests. [Vince’s Note: “Alfie” is also the name of a Lily Allen song about her brother, who plays Theon Greyjoy on Game of Thrones. Not her best song, probably, but that’s a wild backstory.]
Streamability: Maybe? Could learn a few dating tricks here I suppose. It would be nice to know how to pull a Sienna Miller.
Netflix Documentary of the Week (streaming)
Hoop Dreams
Well, this is just a good movie. And talk about prescient! This trailer is so old school it’s wonderful. I actually got curious about what happened to the two main subjects of the film, wikipedia’d it, and I think they should do a follow-up. Not Whoop Dreams, that’s been done (and done well), but something like Hoop and the Harm or Hoop Realities could do the trick. It could be the Before Sunset version of critically-acclaimed documentaries. But all kidding aside, I do/did think this was pretty solid. One could do much worse.
Streamability: No diggity, and also no doubt.
Netflix Homework of the Week (streaming)
The Double
I didn’t see this one, and I refuse to watch the trailer. I can be a real pill about these sorts of things. However, I am aware, and this is a hot take, that Jesse Eisenberg usually plays the same smart guy each and every time out. (dramatic pause) Okay, I just went and broke my own vow, watched the trailer, and it looks kind of good. Sure, Jes-dogg is playing the same character, but this was directed by Richard Ayoade. I love that guy! He was the mammaries in The Watch! Okay, maybe tell me how this is, full reports back from everyone who has seen it.
Streamability: For my minions.
Netflix Curio of the Week (streaming)
The Next Best Thing
Madonna! The actor! Did she ever do “The Actors Studio”? And you know what I mean by “do”, right? Wocka wocka. I always prefer Who’s That Girl to damn near anything, she had a tiger, and this isn’t the next best thing where Madonna is concerned. Probably Evita is second best. Here’s the synopsis:
Abbie, tired of failed relationships, has a one-night-stand with her gay friend; they agree to raise the resulting baby together.
Classic shenanigans! Like Three Men and a Baby meets Will and Grace meets Milk! Ugh, who wants to see this?
Streamability: Nopers.
Paid Streaming of the Week (Amazon/Google, $4.99)
Neighbors
It wasn’t exactly good, by which I mean it wasn’t good at all. There were a few laughs, but the whole thing was constructed around this weird premise that things could get semi-but-not-really-violent. The rules of Hollywood couldn’t let this film be anything other than neutered. I mean, it’s not like they were going put the baby into a catapult or something. No one was going to take Rose Byrne’s family tree and commence to murdering. I mean, really, things like an idiot saying, “You’re upsetting Jinxy cat” during Robert De Niro day was what passed for “hilarity”. What a joke.
Streamability: Not worth the $4.99. Doesn’t anybody remember laughter?
Laremy is on Twitter and doesn’t really ever slumber.