THIS WEEK IN POSTERS. This Week in Posters & Stills is our weekly round-up (and critique) of all the posters, publicity stills, one-sheets, and set photos that hit in the previous week, a nice little early preview of what’s to come in the movie world. Posted every Wednesday or Thursday, or Friday, like this week (sorry, I had screenings).
JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA. I honestly can’t get enough of Johnny Knoxville in old man make-up. There’s something wrong with me, I know. That said, this poster is really straining credulity. No one’s going to buy an old man in a shopping cart. Do you know how hard it is to get someone over 70 into and out of a shopping cart? (God knows I do). It takes them 15 minutes to get into a folding chair.
I’m very excited for this new “Jackass Presents” franchise, by the way. I’m dying to see where they take it next. “Jackass Presents: Fart Helmets in Space.” “Jackass Presents: A Night of Too Many Nutshots.” “Jackass Presents: Sinbad.” They could go anywhere with this.
WAAAAH, IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE ROBOCOP I REMEMBER, I’M NEVER COMING OUT OF MY ROOM AGAIN POUT POUT POUT!
Seriously though, the sterile black and white motif makes it look a lot like the Total Recall remake, and that is not an association you want people making. Then again, that assumes people remember the Total Recall remake, which is probably a stretch.
Dear God, this poster is a disaster. The pointless diagonal, the bad Photoshop, the fact that Cameron Diaz and her dumb cat lady costume are front and center… wow, way to make me bag on a movie I’m insanely excited for. THEY EVEN TAMPED DOWN JAVIER BARDEM’S HAIR, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.
In the midst of a Civil War, a Papua New Guinean girl becomes obsessed with her new teacher’s reading of Great Expectations. It sounds like every bad Oprah Movie Club plot ever, but I was in as soon as I saw that guy in the top hat, ascot, and red and blue vest. The clothes, where does he get such wonderful clothes!
THE BOOK THIEF.
She steals books during the Holocaust! Come on, this is a parody of Oscar movies, right? Does she read them to a dyslexic SS guard while her autistic orphan brother plays the cello? No way this is real.
“Aim for the white man’s giant head.”
COLD COMES THE NIGHT.
Okay, so what’s worse, the poster, the title or the tagline? I think it’s even money. I hope it’s a thriller about Bryan Cranston learning to use the layer opacity function. “He’s set it to 15 percent! My God, you’ll barely be able to see him coming!”
How did they manage to make him look like Walter Sobchak? Or get him to be in this movie?
A retro poster design for a retro movie, can’t argue with that. I’m just glad AO Scott liked it, so I can use it to impress all my friends at the NPR pledge drive. *fills brandy snifter with own farts, inhales deeply*
It’s not fair that a guy this handsome gets to have a giant penis too. Whatever, his semen probably tastes really gross. Don’t even bother, ladies.
So Brad Pitt, Michael F. Assbender, and Javier Bardem? Where’s this set, handsome town? I’m damn sure not going to believe Texas.
I love that they based a character’s look on Brian Grazer. I guarantee that guy smells like cloves and shoe leather. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.
She’s like a cat, get it?
You could’ve named five or six people I would’ve believed this was before Penelope Cruz. Where did her facial features go?
DALLAS BUYERS CLUB.
I ripped the last Dallas Buyers Club poster for not being McConaugey enough, and this is much better. “Dare to live” might as well be “Just keep livin.”
Happy ending, get it? It’s about porn. Hey, you forgot Julianne Moore’s eyebrows.
Wait, that’s Hailee Steinfeld in the middle? When did she turn into Dawn Wiener?
Here’s the Brazilian poster for Free Birds, with the Brazilian voice cast set inside speech bubbles. I’ve actually never seen this approach before. Also, “Bons de Bico” is my new favorite title of anything ever.
Yes, I like this title and poster much better than “GMO OMG,” which I assume is about a similar subject. Here’s a tip, if you make a movie about a serious subject, don’t name it like it’s a charity kickball team.
GHOST TEAM ONE.
It’s impossible for me to look at this without hearing the Mexican announcer guy voice.
James Franco is in everything lately. You think it’s a new performance art thing?
Oh my God, Franco is about to dicknose everyone so hard. Is he wearing eyeliner? That look is so sizzling it’s creating sparks.
Wait, Jeremy Lin is Christian? He seems too, I don’t know, Asian to be Christian. Okay, I’m now realizing how racist that sounds. In any case, I’m sure this is good because I love people of all races, religions, and creeds. (*backs slowly out of room*)
SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY.
FINALLY, SOME LEG ROOM, AM I RIGHT? And what’s the deal with airline food? Hello? Is this thing on?
Wait, I’m confused, why is that huge cock shaped like a train?
THOR: THE DARK WORLD.
The facial expressions are off here. Thor’s face says “protecting my woman from peril,” whereas Natalie Portman’s says “upset about a rude street vendor.”
THOR: THE DARK WORLD.
Aw, the dagger. Weapon of choice for effeminate evil guys everywhere.
(It says “Kingdom” instead “World” because it’s a German poster. I don’t know what sense that makes, but there you go.)
12 YEARS A SLAVE.
Once again I have to point out that “esclavitud” is a badass word. Makes it sound so much worse than “slavery.” With “esclavitud” you can practically hear the chains clanking around in there with the consonants.
THE UNKNOWN KNOWN.
“Why is this man smiling?” I’m not so sure he is. Have you ever considered that Lizard People simply have thin lips?
Hey, you know what I heard about Africa? Out there, it’s “bling bang.”
Here’s the trailer, by the way.
[posters via IMPA]