If you’ve been reading this site long, you know that one of our favorite phenomena is that of the “existential buffoon,” often an actor who has achieved fame early in life, and, perhaps because people pay rapt attention to him wherever he goes no matter what he does, he’s convinced himself that he is a sort of prophet of the profound, and takes to addressing fans almost entirely in Yoda-like idiot riddles. Some of our favorite existential buffoons include Vin Diesel, Shia LaBeouf, Peter Dante, Will Smith’s entire family, Troy Duffy, Billy Zane, Stephen Baldwin, and Sly Stallone. While he may not be as famous as Vin Diesel or as much of a buffoon as Jaden Smith, Tyrese Gibson may be the most self-regarding and faux-profound of his species – it is beautiful to watch. He has more than made the case to be included on the eventual Mount Douchemore of Existential Buffoonery.
In his latest dispatch from wise-man mountain, the famous model/actor/singer/best-selling author who was discovered on a bus and put in a Coca-Cola commercial, offers up the straight dope on how to be successful like him.
“Get off the pity potty. Awaken the beast inside. Get in shape. Get off the pity potty. Stop looking for the new pity committees. Running around telling everyone around you you’re sad, inviting everyone to your pity parties, and your pity parades. It’s time to take shit to another level.”
Aw, come on, Tyrese, shouldn’t it be the “Itty Bitty Pity Committee?” My grandmother used to bake cupcakes to raise money for the IBPC’s yearly Kvetch Fest. The rhyming makes the advice more profound, you see. And he’s truly a man after my own heart with the extended poop metaphor. Time to get off the pity potty and take shit to another level! (*jumps off the toilet, takes dump on the hood of the mayor’s car*) I AM A GOLDEN GOD!
Now, if you were wondering what makes Tyrese so uniquely qualified to give awesomely rhyming advice (adVERSE?!), don’t worry, he’ll tell you.
I’m a big brother. I’m a father. I’m a uncle. I’m a grandfather. I’m a big brother. I’m all of the things that you may be missing in your life as far as a male figure. I’m your boyfriend, I’m your husband, I’m your cousin. I’mma keep it so real with you it’s supposed to make you uncomfortable.
Mission accomplished! Sidenote: Do you think Tyrese Gibson is really a grandfather (which would be kind of crazy considering he’s only 35), or does he mean that he’s a grandfather the same way he means that he’s my boyfriend? Or is it perhaps that in pondering this great mystery, we will learn more about ourselves? Discuss.
[via Tyrese’s Facebook]