Vampires Suck earns $18 mil, Heidi Montag has a sex tape, Tila Tequila elected speaker of the House

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08.23.10 29 Comments

The good news is that at least Vampires Suck wasn’t number one.  The bad news is, it was the top new release this weekend, earning $12.2 mil ($18 mil including Wednesday and Thursday) with an audience that was 72% under 21.  Scott Pilgrim, which opened about $2 million lower than Vampires Suck last weekend, fell off 52% (compared to 48 for Eat Pray Love) and dropped to number ten.  It’ll be out of theaters in a matter of weeks.  It’s made $20 mil so far on a $60 million budget.  Fingers crossed for DVD?  Oh hey look, a puppy died of cancer.

Vampires Suck is like that obvious joke anyone with a sense of humor skipped over. You just assume anyone with half a brain already put it together in their head a quarter second after they saw the first Twilight trailer.  A whole movie making fun of Twilight?  What’s the point?  It’s already funny on its own.  That left Seltzer-Freebird the only game in town.  “Awesome, dude, someone’s finally stickin’ it to Twilight!”  Idiots thought to themselves. All I’m saying is, it looks like we’re going to have to start playing dirty.  If people can get outraged over Janet Jackson’s nipple, can’t we boycott Fox for distributing these Al Qaeda recruitment videos?  Or at least start punching teenagers?  Please?  Come on, I really want to start punching teenagers.

Oh who am I kidding, we’ve already lost.  Tyra Banks will be elected President, and Heidi Montag will have to take over for Tila Tequila as speaker of the house when the Juggalo majority pelts her with rocks and poop and Brian Pumper CDs. It’s too late, we hit Idiocracy 500 years ahead of schedule.  This what happens when Antonio Cromartie and the Duggars contribute 37% of the total gene pool.

[Chart via BoxOfficeMojo]

TW LW Title
Studio Weekend Gross % Change Theater Count / Change Average Total Gross Budget* Week #
1 1 The Expendables LGF $16,500,000 -52.6% 3,270 $5,046 $64,890,000 $80 2
2 N Vampires Suck Fox $12,200,000 3,233 $3,774 $18,564,000 $20 1
3 2 Eat Pray Love Sony $12,000,000 -48.1% 3,082 $3,894 $47,100,000 $60 2
4 N Lottery Ticket WB $11,125,000 1,973 $5,639 $11,125,000 $17 1
5 3 The Other Guys Sony $10,100,000 -42.0% 3,472 -179 $2,909 $88,190,000 $100 3
6 N Piranha 3D W/Dim. $10,035,000 2,470 $4,063 $10,035,000 $24 1
7 N Nanny McPhee Returns Uni. $8,310,000 2,784 $2,985 $8,310,000 $35 1
8 N The Switch Mira. $8,100,000 2,012 $4,026 $8,100,000 1
9 4 Inception WB $7,655,000 -32.2% 2,401 -719 $3,188 $261,848,000 $160 6
10 5 Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Uni. $5,034,000 -52.6% 2,820 +2 $1,785 $20,730,000 $60 2
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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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