Friday Free For All: The Masturbating Koala

Author Profile Picture
Senior Editor
11.30.12 15 Comments

Phew, now that Marvel’s whole sexism kerfuffle is over with, we can go back to focusing on the important things, like this video of a koala tuggin’ off. You’d think koalas, who sleep 20 hours a day because of the psychoactive drugs in the eucalyptus leaves they eat (koalas: nature’s stoners), would masturbate in a sleepy, lackadaisical fashion. But quite the opposite is true. Turns out, koalas masturbate like rabbits f*ck. I bet before this, some koala broad was all, “Not now, Angus, I’m sleepy!” And Angus here was all, “Foine, ya think Oy need a Shiela, Oi’ll jus go finish meself off meself!” Hrrrrnnnnggghhhh….

At least, that’s how I imagine masturbating koalas talk. You know how koalas do. Koalas are so cute, he probably ejaculates glitter and cuddles.

Because I love you and I want you to be happy, here is an additional video a tortoise having sex with a child’s tricycle.

“Threesome? Nah, but I f*cked a trike once.” -This tortoise, playing I Never.

[koala via YaBaboon, Tortoise via Robopanda]

Author Profile Picture
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

Around The Web