Well, folks, it’s that time again: Friday. If at any time you get tired of drinking yourself into a stupor or you need a date idea and you’re not some assh*le who hikes, there’s always movies. Here’s your handy guide to what’s opening this week.
This week’s wide releases: Scre4m, Rio, The Conspirator
SCRE4M: 10 years later, Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette reunite for the next chapter of one of the films that helped make Wes Craven the wildly-overrated filmmaker he is today.
RottenTomatoes Score: 60%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“In many ways, Scream 4 is exactly the kind of dumb, mechanical slasher movie that Scream was talking about.” –Eric Snider
“A perfectly acceptable Friday night, Scream 4 delivers plenty of scares without consequences, murder without depth, and a flood of legacy laughs.” -Laremy Legel, Film.com
“Scream 4 feels to me like the most direct sequel to the first film, both thematically and stylistically, and I think it’s one of the most confident films in Wes Craven’s filmography.” -Drew McWeeny, Hitfix
Armchair Analysis: As you can see, plenty of people who I like and generally agree with (like Drew and Laremy above) seemed to love this movie, but with all due respect, they must’ve been f*cking high. I can understand people not liking Your Highness if they’re not into fart and penis humor like I am, but I’m baffled by the decent reviews for Scre4m. It is awful. Every scene is one enormous plot hole, and all you’re left with besides that is I-can’t-believe-this-isn’t-parody scenes like the Token Fat Black Guy (played by Anthony Anderson, another cliché) shouting “DAYAMN!” and obnoxious self-referencing. Was it the mere whiff of pretentiousnouss that people enjoyed? I don’t get it. I hated it so much I literally yelled at the screen. If I’d had a sandwich I would’ve thrown it.
RIO: A warm-weather bird who’s afraid to fly has to overcome his fear and comically wear a sweater or something.
RottenTomatoes Score: 71%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Rio will not set your heart afire, although its low-level consciousness raising about illegally smuggled animals is nice. Mostly, it’s brightly colored fluff, but then, it’s supposed to be.” -Tom Long, Detroit News
“The director, Carlos Saldanha, collaborated on the “Ice Age” trilogy. What he has developed here has tons of atmosphere and, less helpfully, tons of over-plotted chaos disguised as a story.” Michael Phillips, Chicago Trib
“A fairly typical children’s movie, but at least it moves along with purpose!” -Laremy, Film.com
Armchair Analysis: DON’T YOU SHOUT AT ME, LEGEL! Anyway, yeah, I’ve heard mostly good things about this film, mostly that it’s really pretty to look at. Not a bad way to spend 90 minutes I’m sure, but then, it is still a movie about birds dancing to Latin music. Which would be a much cooler description if I was British.
THE CONSPIRATOR: From director Robert Redford: “Mary Surratt is the lone female charged as a co-conspirator in the assassination trial of Abraham Lincoln. As the whole nation turns against her, she is forced to rely on her reluctant lawyer to uncover the truth and save her life.”
RottenTomatoes: 55%
Quotes:
“Once you accustom yourself to this film’s unhurried rhythm and old-fashioned Hollywood stolidity, The Conspirator is not without its pleasures — chief among them Robin Wright’s quietly fierce performance.” -Slate
“Happy 146th anniversary, Abraham Lincoln’s assassination! In your honor we have prepared a didactic but not entirely unenjoyable historical drama!” –Eric Snider
“Let’s just be grateful that boring old Professor Redford only afflicts audiences with his good intentions and social consciousness about twice a decade.” -Nathan Rabin, AV Club
Armchair Analysis: I reeeeeeally wish I’d gone to the screening of this this week instead of Scream 4. I’ll take a possibly-boring period piece over a smug, third-rate horror reference fest any day. Sic semper sequelus!
Pointless Anecdote: I can’t hear the name Robert Redford anymore without instantly thinking of watching his Sundance press conference, where he went to take a sip from his closed water bottle (one of those fancy, BPA-free screw-top jobs all the yuppie/hippies have), then trying to casually play it off as if the fact that he’d put a screw-top lid to his mouth and got no liquid in his mouth was all going according to plan. There, now just set it down like you meant to do it that way and no one will be the wiser. That’s it, Redford. Never let ’em see ya sweat.