Looks great, doesn’t it?
THIS WEEK: It seems no one wants to open against the Movie That Shall Not Be Named (above), from producer Jerry Bruckheimer (heretofore referred to as “The Antichrist”). Unless you live in NY or LA, which case you can see Woody Allen’s latest, which the critics assure us is more than just another turgid discussion about categorical imperatives. The good news is, Hesher is still out! See it! AND, this week’s guide prominently features both Pete Hammond and Armond White.
The Movie That Shall Not Be Named (MTSHNBN): Johnny Depp is back, with MORE EYELINER! MORE SH*T IN HIS HAIR! MORE WINKY SWASHBUCKLING!
ROTTENTOMATOES SCORE: 34%
GRATUITOUS REVIEW QUOTES:
“Marshall deserves props for putting the ‘show’ back into the [MTSHNBN] business. But face it, he’s polishing a giant turd.” -Peter Travers, RollingStone
“YAWNY DEPP” -Headline, NY Post
“Its one real act of piracy is stealing away your excitement.” -Owen Glieberman, EW
“Repetitious, tedious, and pretty much joyless.” -Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel
“Disney should prepare for another huge Pirate’s booty.” -Pete Hammond
“This is the perfect summer movie.” -Pete Hammond
“The best Pirates of them all.” -Pete Hammond
“An exciting blend of clever comedy, swashbuckling adventure and thrilling action, all in brilliant digital 3D.” -Pete Hammond
“Depp is perfect.” -Pete Hammond
“Depp and Cruz sizzle onscreen.” -Pete Hammond
“Box office will be through the roof worldwide, hopefully leading to the beginning of a new trilogy [!!!!] with these irresistible scallywags.” -Pete Hammond
“Rob Marshall uses his background in movie musicals to bring an almost lyrical grace to the mayhem.” -Pete Hammond
While I don’t have any hard proof that the studio paid Pete Hammond for that review, I will say that if he gives that kind of blow job for free he’s a disgrace to whores.
ARMCHAIR ANALYSIS: I missed my MTSHNBN press screening this week, unfortunately. But based on that clip at the top of the page, I assume the whole thing is Johnny Depp swinging from chandeliers, ruining fancy dinner parties, and juggling a priceless vase while a monkey sidekick covers his eyes.
NEXT PAGE: Midnight in Paris (you won’t want to miss Armond White’s review!)