Weekend Movie Guide: Because Armond Said So

Funny, this is my idea to punish Adam Sandler.

In Theaters Everywhere: Jack and Jill, J. Edgar, The Immortals

FilmDrunk Armond White Suggests: Jack and Jill, of course. It gravitates toward the median of brilliance and esoteric mental orgasmic sincerity. Jack is Jill. Jill is Jack. We are Jack. We are Jill. This movie is the centric positivity and balance that we need to forge ethnic dissipation. Plus, fat white chick.

Jack and Jill

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 2% critics, 69% audience (HAHA BRO!)

Gratuitous Review Quotes

“The performance is lazy and slapdash, the work of a comedian trusting too much in his own hilariousness. The result is that scenes between Jack and Jill are tolerable because of Jack. Scenes of Jack without Jill are pretty good or better. And scenes of only Jill are work to sit through.” – Vince’s high school babysitter Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

“There’s an astonishing amount of whoring going on as well, with an Oscar-winning actor, has-beens and the almost-famous all feeding from the appearance-fee trough. Sham-Wow guy Vince Offer and Subway pitch-eater Jared Fogle, that I get. Regis Philbin, of course. But Johnny Depp in a Justin Bieber t-shirt? Et tu, Al Pacino?” – Linda Barnard, Toronto Star

Armchair Analysis: There’s a scene in the commercials in which Tim Meadows asks Sandler if his twin sister is identical or fraternal and Nick Swardson responds, “Nocturnal, like a bat.” Does anyone know what the hell that means? Supposedly it’s a joke, but it’s so poorly written that I can’t picture them rehearsing it without at least one person saying, “Wait, that doesn’t even make sense.” And then Sandler looks up from his script, which is printed on actual cash, and says, “I KNOW!” and they all laugh like assholes.

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