Weekend Movie Guide: Film Watcher

"Damn it, woman, why isn't my dinner ready?"

Opening Everywhere: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Brave, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, To Rome with Love

Never Heard of It: Grassroots

FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m very excited to see Seeking a Friend, which Vince reviewed if you didn’t read it already, and I’m one of the two people on Earth apparently eager to see Abe Lincoln, so there’s that, too.

"Hey vampire, let me ax you a question."

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 36% critics, 75% audience, 0% historians with an ax in their gash

Gratuitous Review Critics:

“On an unfortunate-ideas scale of one to 10, with one being ‘wearing white pants after Labor Day’ and five being ‘Green Lantern,’ this one rates about a fourscore and seven.” – Kyle Smith, NY Post (“Herp derp, witty history blurp.”)

“My question, then, is this: Why are there no black vampires? Surely there is one slave, somewhere, whose heart has been hardened by injustice and the lash just enough to grow fangs.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post (I included this quote because quite a few reviews are making this out to be some sort of race issue. That’s stupid. Shut up and stop being stupid. Review films and shut up. Shut up.)

Armchair Analysis: I’m beating a dead horse these days, but here we go… when you go to the movies to see a film entitled Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (or Cowboys and Aliens), you should leave your expectations for an Academy Award caliber film at the door. If you expect this film to be a dazzling masterpiece that effectively paints a portrait of the politics and slavery of the Civil War era, then you’ve missed the boat entirely. But if you want a fun story that asks, “Hey, what if a great American hero was also a vampire slayer?” then put your brain on airplane mode and just enjoy a silly action movie.

Vince’s Note: I don’t think people would all be talking about how stupid this looks if it had been even a smidge comedic or tongue-in-cheek looking. It’s not like people just decided to hate it because they’re prudes.

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