Weekend Movie Guide: George Lucas Needs Another $500 Million, C-Tates in 50 First Tates

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OUT!

Opening Like a Flower in the Morning Sun: Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace (in 3D), The Vow, Safe House, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

FilmDrunk suggests: “I’m already in your head.” Go see Safe House. (This suggestion brought to you by the early nominee for the 2012 Taylor Lautner Line That Makes Me Laugh Every Time I See the Movie Trailer.)

Oh sure, put the racial caricature in handcuffs.

Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 58% critics, 63% audience, 0% nerds

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The bottom line: George Lucas has made no secret of the fact that this film is aimed directly at 12-year-old boys, not at men in their 40s trying to recapture their lost youth. But that doesn’t give him license to ignore character development and dramatic pacing. It’s true that with this film Lucas has raised the bar in terms of digital special effects. But despite all the magnificent razzle-dazzle, when it comes to movies ‘it’s the story, stupid.’ This could have been, and should have been, a much better story.” – Paul Clinton, CNN

“But it is not so nice with stinky Jar-Jar Binks craning over everyone’s shoulder, whooping and whimpering in that weird Rastafarian-leprechaun accent of his. And the dialogue throughout the picture is so devoid of life you would swear it was written with a Ouija board.” – Leigh Paatsch, Herald Sun

Armchair Analysis: One of my friends with a young son told me that he was really excited to take his kid to see these new Star Wars films in 3D, because it’s like being able to help a new generation witness something that’s been so special to us for 35 years. While I can respect that thought process, I still wouldn’t give George Lucas the satisfaction of another $15 even if Kate Upton showed up at my door with my bastard son, telling me it was his dream to see Star Wars with his father. Also, I’d be pissed that I didn’t remember having sex with Kate Upton.

Around The Web

Featured

A Fact-Soaked Odyssey Through Kentucky’s Bourbon Country

This Woman Is Fighting The Stigma Of Sex Work In America In Hopes Of Getting Her Child Back

‘We Went To The Moon In 1969’: How The ‘Even Stevens’ Musical Episode Changed The Disney Channel Forever

M.T. Anderson Correctly Predicted Your ‘Feed’ Back In 2002, Are You Ready To Hear What He Says Is Coming Next?

Kenya’s Massive Ivory Burn Should Light A Fire Under Us All

Returning To The Boston Marathon Offered A Lesson In Facing Fears

Is There More To The Adam Walsh Story?

Stand-Up Comedy Scared The Hell Out Of Me, So I Decided To Give It A Shot

W. Kamau Bell On Joking With The KKK For CNN And Quoting Malcolm X In His New Special

‘The NFL Whole-Heartedly Doesn’t Care About You’: Joey Harrington Offers Real Talk About The NFL Draft Process

Drifters Take Note: This Couple Has Crucial Advice For Long-Term Travelers

‘Rad’ Star Bill Allen Looks Back On Helltrack And That Iconic BMX Prom Scene, 30 Years Later