Weekend Movie Guide: “Not If I Find You First!”

Haven't the Pittsburgh Pirates suffered enough?

In Wide Release This Weekend: Abduction, Moneyball, Killer Elite, Dolphin Tale

This weekend actually has a little something for everyone, so chances are if you’re in the mood for a movie, then you’ll find something you like. Unless you’re a soccer-loving, socialist thalassophobe, in which case you’re SOL. Go rent Bridesmaids or something. Me, I’ll be at Pearl Jam 20 pretending like I’m a teen again.

Abduction

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 0%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This laughable yarn is intended simply as a vehicle to draw teen audiences eager to feast their eyes upon Twilight heartthrob Taylor Lautner. And, yes girls, he does take off his shirt and expose his muscled physique rather quickly into the proceedings.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

“But Abduction is as uninterested in psychological unease as it is in innovative action, and simply shuffles together explosions, bloodless fight scenes and incongruous romantic interludes with little regard for orchestrating tension.” – Andrew Barker, Variety

Armchair Analysis: A few weeks ago, Vince asked me on the Frotcast what my top awkward movie laugh moment was, and I know that if I saw this movie in the theater, it would be when Lautner says, “Not if I find you first.” I laugh hysterically every time the commercial airs. This movie could be the funniest of the year.

"And every time she adopts another kid, I get to have a threeway."

Moneyball

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 94%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“From top to bottom the casting is inspired. Mr. Pitt couples a star presence—there’s a singular there there whenever the A’s general manager is in camera range—to a beautifully measured ensemble performance that makes Billy a minimalist ironist, tossing off funny remarks with an abandon that almost conceals his deep anger, pain or self-doubt.” – Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

“This is the heretical premise of the thoughtful and entertaining Moneyball, based on the equally iconoclastic bestseller by Michael Lewis. Starring Brad Pitt in top movie star form, it’s a film that’s impressive and surprising.” – Kenneth Turan, L.A. Times

Armchair Analysis: The book was really good if you’re a baseball fan. That’s why it was smart that they strayed from Steven Soderbergh’s original idea to make this movie documentary style and go with a semi-fictitious take, written by Aaron Sorkin. Still, unless you’re a baseball fan or a woman who can sit in place and drool over Brad Pitt for two hours, this might not be your most ideal movie. And if you are a baseball fan, then you already know how it ends, but it should be worth it just to see Royce Clayton play Miguel Tejada.

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