Weekend Movie Guide: To Oblivion And Beyond

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Senior Writer
04.19.13 17 Comments
The date was nothing but awkward after Olga tried to give Tom road head.

Opening Everywhere: Oblivion, The Lords of Salem

Movie That Made Me Almost Slam My Head Against The Desk Before I Actually Looked At The Synopsis: In the House. Seriously, I thought this was going to be a movie about Nick Cannon returning to college only to realize that his old frat has turned into a bunch of nerds, so he uses his street cred to turn them all into suave ladies men who can break out into choreographed dance routines out of nowhere. Fortunately, it’s a drama about some French people or something.

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince liked Oblivion and gave it a B+. You can read all about that in his review, which he wrote for you to read. I think Oblivion looks good, so I think that sums up the purpose of this part of the Weekend Movie Guide. Geez, get off my back.

“Where the f*ck is Minesweeper?”


Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 59% critics, 67% audience

Gratuitous Review quotes:

“The story eventually devolves into a grab bag of sci-fi tropes but, as with so many other Cruise productions, the sheer scale of everything is so mind-numbing that you may not notice.” – J.R. Jones, Chicago Reader

“The sly, surprising and visually magnificent Tom Cruise vehicle that has forced me – and many other people, I suspect – to revise my first opinion of director Joseph Kosinski.” – Andrew O’Hehir, Salon

Armchair Analysis: I think this looks like a good movie, but more importantly I would let Olga Kurylenko flick cigarettes at my face if she smiled and asked me to. I’m very well aware of how pathetic I am.

White face? In 2013? Time to evolve, people.

The Lords of Salem

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 44% critics, 63% audience

Gratuitous Review quotes:

“It’s all meant to be monstrous, unspeakable, blasphemous horror but it comes across more like a slightly dirty drawing, passed in seventh-grade religion class.” – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

“Movies by Rob Zombie, the goth rocker turned cult filmmaker, aren’t for everybody. But he couldn’t care less.” – V.A. Musetto, NY Post

Armchair Analysis: I’m excited about this film, mostly because it’s had me singing, “Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld” for the last hour or so.

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Ashley Burns has written about movies, TV, and sports for UPROXX since the site's first day.

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