Weekend Movie Guide: ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Is Up Next For People To Hate

Senior Writer
05.17.13 45 Comments

Well, the resale value on this spaceship is absolutely f*cked.

Opening Everywhere: Star Trek Into Darkness

Maybe Opening Somewhere: Erased, The English Teacher

FilmDrunk Suggests: I expect Star Trek to be great, and a lot of my dorkier friends who don’t mind being jammed into crowded theaters at midnight told me that it was just that. I just figure that as people are still bitching and moaning about Iron Man 3 that this will be the next to be nitpicked to death. Oh the irony of imperfect people demanding perfection from films. They can’t all be RED.

“F*CK YO WINDOWS!”

Star Trek Into Darkness

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 87% critics, 89% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The conceptual sci-fi of the original series is nowhere to be found, though you might enjoy watching the skinny young actors approximate their counterparts from the 60s; Chris Pine is especially good as Captain Kirk.” – J.R. Jones, Chicago Reader

“For two movies in a row now — and possibly even more in the second than the first — [Abrams has] caught some of the spark of the first Star Trek without either mimicking or desecrating the original.” – Dana Stevens, Slate

Armchair Analysis: JJ Abrams told Jon Stewart recently that he didn’t like Star Trek as a kid (or something to that effect) and that caught my ear, because I absolutely hated the Star Trek TV series and movies. I sort of liked the Next Generation films, but it was always just a case of “These aren’t as good as The Last Starfighter” for me.

That said, I respect that people are so loyal to the original material and whatnot, but just like with the Star Wars prequels and upcoming films, I don’t get why people are so offended like they’re blasphemous. New material means reaching new audiences, and these new Star Trek films are great for guys like me because I watch them and I want to go back and understand more about the character and story history, just like Abrams.

So I guess I get that it sucks for the devout fans that these new films don’t dive deeper into the universe that Gene Roddenberry already created – “Origin stories suck, bro!” – but maybe let the rest of us catch up and we can all enjoy them together. Or just keep nitpicking and prosper.

“I swear, I left my career right here.”

Erased

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 24% critics, 37% audience (come on, how have 3,500 people seen this already?)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“’Erased’ is an entertaining enough action outing with plenty of well-done elements to recommend it.” – Kate Erbland, MSN Movies

“Eckhart and Liberato may not act as if they’re in Retread-land – Olga Kurylenko, meanwhile, as a CIA handler, barely acts at all – but this ‘Erased’ is eminently forgettable.” – Robert Abele, L.A. Times (YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH ABOUT OLGA, MISTER!)

Armchair Analysis: Everyone, please welcome Aaron Eckhart to the Bruce Willis Institute of Anything for a Paycheck. The head instructor, 50 Cent, will be with us shortly. Also, someone get Olga Kurylenko’s agent on the phone. She’s better than this.

More like TILF, amiright?

The English Teacher

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 44% critics, 16% audience (TURD ALERT)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Greg Kinnear does a nice supporting job as Jason’s dad.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor (channeling Liz Lemon after a Jenna Maroney performance)

“The English Teacher reveals that a respectable cast and much noisy boisterousness isn’t enough to generate a single laugh.” – Nick Schager, Village Voice

Armchair Analysis: I had never heard of this film five minutes ago, and if you ask me about it in 10 minutes, I’ll haven’t heard of it then either.

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