Weekend Movie Guide: Vikings, Russians, Hobos, Black Folks, Yuppies

Phew, a lot of movies coming out this weekend, including two I’ve actually seen.  I’ve got your breakdown below, but if you take anything away, it should be this: if, with everything on offer this weekend, you still choose/allow yourself to be dragged to the new Kate Hudson yuppie abortion, you do not deserve to procreate.  Movies covered: Thor, Something Borrowed, Jumping the Broom, Exporting Raymond, Hobo with a Shotgun, The Beaver

THOR

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 80%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Thor, a film that absolutely should exist, but for entirely commercial reasons. Past that it has no real momentum, no life force, no undefinable quality which makes it in the least bit remarkable. –Laremy, Film.com

“Thor” is the most entertaining superhero debut since the original Spiderman. -Richard Roeper

The last 25 minutes of “Thor” aren’t much better than the first. But that hour in between – tasty, funny, robustly acted – more than compensates. -Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Armchair Analysis: Well, you know what I thought. It’s not perfect, but I liked it. For some reason, I have a feeling it might not be totally successful for some of the exact reasons I liked it.  I liked that there wasn’t a lot of macho posturing (well, not as much, anyway)  But Fast Five opened twice as big as any other movie this year and that was basically COME AT ME, BRO: the movie.  We’ll see.  In related news, Hopefully Thor can grow some f*cking chest hair before The Avengers.

SOMETHING BORROWED: Ginnifer Goodwin’s platonic friend that she’s always had a crush on is about to marry bitchy Kate Hudson.  Gosh, I wonder what will happen.  Terrible drinking game: drink every time a black person shows up.

Rotten Tomatoes: 15%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

She plays an alcoholic. This is as clear as day. […] Among the danger signals of alcoholism must certainly be playing badminton on the beach with a glass of wine in your hand, sitting down in a bar and ordering six shots of tequila, and drinking in every scene where she is not literally being fitted for a wedding dress. -Ebert

“Something Borrowed” is something … ew. -Newark Star-Ledger

Something Borrowed is a snappy rom com about intersecting desires among a group of twenty-something friends. The film is terrific: smart, sexy and funny, and it should serve as nice counter-programming by Alcon and Warner Bros against the comic book tentpole Thor. –Alcon’s Marketing Department Pete Hammond

[See Also: Plot of Something Borrowed Recreated with Scathing Reviews]

Armchair Analysis: I would rather blow my skull fragments through the wall of truck stop restroom than have to talk to anyone who would seriously entertain the idea of seeing this movie for a single second. “Something Borrowed” sounds more like a parody of a rom-com than an actual rom-com.

NEXT PAGE: HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

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