Senior Editor
07.02.08 140 Comments

The above collection of phone messages has been going around "Hollywood" because the guy who left them claims to be a screenwriter.  It showed up on DeadlineHollywoodDaily earlier today but has since been removed.  In any case, the story behind it is supposedly that a woman was out with her friends in the Marina District of San Francisco (striped-shirted douche central, if you’ve never been there) when a guy asked for her phone number.  She gave him her business card and he proceeded to leave the messages above in which he:

– Mentions the screenplay he’s writing
– Claims to "get approached by women" ten times a day
– Describes her as an "elegant woman"
– Leaves a second message a few days later, "I don’t play that game.  I know your friends tell you not to return calls, you’re playing games like you see on stupid TV shows.  But here’s how it’s going to work…"
– "I’m giving you the three o’clock deadline.  I don’t hear from you, you lose my number."
– "Now I understand if you’ve got other issues: Like, maybe you’re not playing games… Maybe you were abused in childhood, maybe your mom has cancer and she’s going through chemo, maybe you have an anxiety disorder…"

Anyway, it’s worth a listen, and guys, take notes because this guy is a real smooth talker.  Laugh all you want, this method really works.  In fact, sometimes I walk right into the bar and say to everyone within earshot, "Maybe your mom has cancer."  Next thing you know, BAM!  Knee deep in poontang. 

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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