Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD and Streaming: Rated ARG for Pirates

Call him an ugly woman, and take his picture, to show, all the people, you wooooork with...

This week we’ve got a fairly typical mix: A couple movies snubbed by the Oscars, some middling Hollywood fare, the latest Happy Madison abortion, an indie or two, weird straight-to-DVD flicks, Vince’s twinks in trouble, Larry the Cable Guy, and of course, Danny Trejo.

Here are the DVDs:
Jack and Jill
Immortals
Footloose
Like Crazy
The Skin I Live In
Senna
Tooth Fairy 2
Wyatt Earp’s Revenge
Recoil
Jeremy Fink And The Meaning Of Life
Columbus Circle
High Road
WWJD II: The Woodcarver
Mercenaries
1313: Bigfoot Island
1313: UFO Invasion

For new choices in streaming, clickJack And Jill

Let me be absolutely clear: I am not recommending this, I am warning you that it is out.  Don’t buy it, don’t rent it, don’t stream it, don’t watch it for free on cable, and don’t even torrent it.  Burnsy awarded this (along with the rest of Happy Madison’s 2011 output) the 2011 Seltzer/Friedberg Lifetime Achievement Award and he was too kind.  I haven’t seen it and no one should.  This is the movie that inspired the phrase, “Rated ARG For Pirates.  F*ck You.


Immortals

The new Superman goes up against Mickey Rourke in this 300 knockoff directed by Tarsem Singh.  I’ve never seen it, but I hear you’d be better off watching the director’s previous effort, The Fall.  On the other hand, you could wait for his next movie, the god awful looking Mirror Mirror. With such a declining track record (The Cell notwithstanding), he’s like the Indian M. Night Shyamalan.


Footloose

I’ve never seen the original and this remake still pisses me off.  How the hell do they get off using a tag-line like, “This Is Our Time” for a f*cking remake? How about, “This Was Our Parents’ Time And We Have No Generational Identity Thanks To Eating Up Crap Like This And Twentysomething’s Nostalgia For Pop Culture That Isn’t’ Even Theirs About Which To Be Nostalgic”? Luckily it seems to have been largely forgotten already.  Nobody will ever play “Six Degrees of Kenny Wormald”.


Like Crazy

I’m almost hesitant to mock this movie because Vince loved it so much. In his alarmingly sincere review he gave it four out of five writing chairs, but let’s be honest about what’s going on here.  At one point, Vince’s review spells it out:

“…because when you’ve got Anton Yelchin’s Jewy ringlets and rugged pastiness, the world is your vagina oyster.”

Make a movie about a movie blogger finding a coupon for a free Big Mac while getting the Velveeta stains out of his sweatpants and Vince would love it too. [Wait, you’re saying I only liked it because it’s about a guy with a sad mop of Jew curls who nevertheless gets to bang both Felicity Jones AND Jennifer Lawrence??? I never considered it before, but I’ll admit, you make a lot of sense. -Vince]

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