4 Weapons That Old People Will Use To Conquer The Planet

By: 11.18.11

We love the elderly, provided they’re not driving or allowed to handle anything dangerous. Except they are. We’re about to arm the elderly with all sorts of crazy technology, and only we at GammaSquad foresee the inevitable: all-out war.

They’re going to use the tech we give them to beat the ever-loving crap out of us and conquer the world. Seriously. It’ll start with their lawns, and their lawns will keep expanding until everywhere is their lawn. Movies will be turned down low, cable will show nothing but Matlock, and the entire world will turn into Florida.

And how will this pervasive attack on our carefree way of life be possible? How is Grandma going to kick your butt, and your friend’s butts, and the butts of the entire First Battalion in the first Nursing Home Wars? With this stuff:

#4) Self-Driving Cars

There’s a lot to be said for taking away the ability of the elderly to drive. As they age, elderly drivers become more dangerous than teenagers on the road, and the number of them out there is expected to triple. It’s because the stereotype is true: they drive too slowly, and people hit them. Yet at the same time, without their cars, many of them would become shut-ins.

Cue the Germans, and their self-driving cars. Using a mix of video cameras, laser range-finders, and computerized traffic detection, kits to turn your grandpa’s boat of a Buick into essentially a robot is only about a decade away. So, he’ll be fully mobile and not have to worry about getting around, which will be ideal for taking on those tank squads. And it’ll be just in time for a gun for him to pull off a drive-by, too.

#3) The Palm Pistol

A redesign of the pistol, the Palm Pistol is not only a real thing, it’s specifically designed for the elderly and the infirm to shoot you in the face. The design, which is kind of like a leaf blade, stabilizes the pistol and allows them to take direct aim. It’s a point and click interface, something the website is proud about.

Oh, sure, it’s designed to only be a one-shot deal. For now. But imagine millions of granny purses, filled with these tiny plastic weapons. Grandmothers hobbling up and down the lines resupplying the aging troops as they fire into a fleeing military. And then the troops advance, demanding the blue plate special and early bird dinners at 3pm.

You might scoff and say “What about their shaky hands? I can probably run faster than they can aim!” Well, my friend, that’s not a concern. They’ll have powered armor to keep them steady.

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