We love the elderly, provided they’re not driving or allowed to handle anything dangerous. Except they are. We’re about to arm the elderly with all sorts of crazy technology, and only we at GammaSquad foresee the inevitable: all-out war.
They’re going to use the tech we give them to beat the ever-loving crap out of us and conquer the world. Seriously. It’ll start with their lawns, and their lawns will keep expanding until everywhere is their lawn. Movies will be turned down low, cable will show nothing but Matlock, and the entire world will turn into Florida.
And how will this pervasive attack on our carefree way of life be possible? How is Grandma going to kick your butt, and your friend’s butts, and the butts of the entire First Battalion in the first Nursing Home Wars? With this stuff:
#4) Self-Driving Cars
There’s a lot to be said for taking away the ability of the elderly to drive. As they age, elderly drivers become more dangerous than teenagers on the road, and the number of them out there is expected to triple. It’s because the stereotype is true: they drive too slowly, and people hit them. Yet at the same time, without their cars, many of them would become shut-ins.
Cue the Germans, and their self-driving cars. Using a mix of video cameras, laser range-finders, and computerized traffic detection, kits to turn your grandpa’s boat of a Buick into essentially a robot is only about a decade away. So, he’ll be fully mobile and not have to worry about getting around, which will be ideal for taking on those tank squads. And it’ll be just in time for a gun for him to pull off a drive-by, too.
#3) The Palm Pistol
A redesign of the pistol, the Palm Pistol is not only a real thing, it’s specifically designed for the elderly and the infirm to shoot you in the face. The design, which is kind of like a leaf blade, stabilizes the pistol and allows them to take direct aim. It’s a point and click interface, something the website is proud about.
Oh, sure, it’s designed to only be a one-shot deal. For now. But imagine millions of granny purses, filled with these tiny plastic weapons. Grandmothers hobbling up and down the lines resupplying the aging troops as they fire into a fleeing military. And then the troops advance, demanding the blue plate special and early bird dinners at 3pm.
You might scoff and say “What about their shaky hands? I can probably run faster than they can aim!” Well, my friend, that’s not a concern. They’ll have powered armor to keep them steady.
#2) Robotic Exoskeletons
Honda, to be fair, doesn’t realize the danger they’re unleashing; they just want to keep the elderly from hurting themselves and restore mobility. And with good reason, actually: falling is the main cause of injury death among the elderly, according to the CDC, and it killed nearly 20,000 elderly in 2008 alone, and hospitalized more than half a million.
So, it’s a serious concern, and exoskeletons will help them maintain their balance and substantially reduce injury. Of course, the military-grade version isn’t even designed to fight and it can punch through a freaking wall, so imagine how that’s going to end once they dump their Palm Pistols and start going head-to-head with Marines. We hope the Armed Forces has good insurance.
But even with advances in medical technology, won’t age be the great equalizer? Won’t Father Time cull their ranks where our warriors could not?
Don’t bet on it.
#1) Telomerase
Around this time last year, a pretty amazing biological stunt was pulled off: scientists at the Dana Farber Institute managed to reverse aging in mice. Oddly, the mice all started singing Queen and trying to behead each other, but that was considered a minor side effect.
Yeah, we’ve all seen ads for “anti-aging” cream, but what that covers up is a $50 billion a year industry with literally thousands of scientists working on stopping aging for good. Needless to say, if you can come up with a way to make somebody young and immortal, the company that owns the copyright will be moderately successful. And we’re inching closer and closer to the fountain of youth.
So, enjoy your dirty movies and your video games now. Granny’s got a self-driving car, an easy to use gun, a robot exoskeleton, and all the time in the world to beat you like a pinata. And don’t come whining to us when it happens: we warned you!