Back in the early ’90s, Tim Burton delivered “Batman”, a genuinely good movie and completely different from anything we’d seen before. This wasn’t Adam West in an ill-fitting leotard. It was grittier, artier, and just basically the last thing people expected from a Batman movie. It became a massive phenomenon: I still have my Batman sneakers.
This phenomenon was immediately followed with a string of either flat-out awful turkeys that went straight for the camp; movies that were solid, but not necessarily franchise carriers; or movies that were genuinely good, but mismarketed.
So, we’re looking at those movies of twenty years ago, and seeing what could stand a reboot.
#5) Steel
Oh, Good God, was this a disaster. You think “Batman and Robin” was bad? This was so, so much worse.
For those of you who have blocked this out, yes, it’s the DC character, and yes, it stars Shaq. The fact that it features a black guy in powered armor is about the only similarity this has to the comics.
So, yes, this could stand a reboot. Start by hiring an actual actor.
#4) Judge Dredd
We’re perfectly aware that this is being rebooted already, but it was so awful that we had to include it. It’s not just that the movie itself was terrible, although if there’s a better example of mid-’90s action movie excess we haven’t found it. It’s that the original comics were so good, and the movie missed the point so, so, badly.
#3) Dick Tracy
Ever read the original Dick Tracy comic strips? They’re actually fairly shocking; dark, violent, often grotesque. It’s hard to believe these things ran in newspapers in the ’30s and ’40s and were popular with kids. And while we have a certain affection for Warren Beatty’s star-studded and lurid attempt to make this into a franchise, it doesn’t quite work. A slightly grittier, less cartoony attempt might, though.
#2) Mystery Men
From strong source material, an almost total botch.
We feel bad about this one particularly because the material was great, but the whole thing was completely, utterly, miscast. It was packed to the gills with trendy young comedians of the era (Janeane Garofalo, Ben Stiller, etc.) and worse, they cut them loose on the script. We love Eddie Izzard, but we don’t need him to write a superhero parody.
The original comic is a pretty solid send-up of comics at the time by Bob Burden. The movie was turned into a fairly bland comedy about superheroes by people who didn’t read and didn’t care about comics. So a remake with somebody who does might give this movie the tone it needs to work, instead of a string of sight gags and fart jokes featuring people in costume.
#1) The Rocketeer
Out of all of these, this is the one the most faithful and certainly the most respectful to the original comic, and they get a lot right: the period setting, the characters, and the sheer nostalgia and beauty of Dave Stevens’ art and writing. This is a movie where the cast and crew genuinely liked what they were doing.
The problem is, well, this was a movie aimed at kids, so it’s not quite willing to pull the trigger on some of the darker aspects that made the comic work, like Cliff Secord being kind of a self-involved jerk and how that gets people killed, or Betty being naked a lot. Here’s a good drinking game: count how many times a character gets conked on the head or knocked on their ass, and it’s supposed to be funny. You’ll be wasted thirty minutes in.
So, now that Disney has discovered it can make movies for adults, like, say, “Pirates of the Caribbean”, we think a “Rocketeer” reboot with a more adult sensibility would be a huge hit.
Especially if you get Jennifer Connelly back, and get her to do those nude scenes in the original comics. We’re just saying…
image courtesy Walt Disney Pictures