Whoa, hey, E3 is like, next week guys, which means I need to start making some predictions. My “guy who makes money writing things about video games” card would be revoked if I didn’t. So here they are, my E3 predictions — we’ll go company by company, and in each case I’ll start with the most likely rumors and work my way up to some more out-there predictions.
Today we cover Nintendo and Microsoft…
In a major surprise, Nintendo will reveal the WiiU controller is actually two-and-a-half Reggies tall, and weighs over 400 pounds.
- Nintendo finally tells us how powerful the WiiU is going to be, but not how much it will cost or exactly when it’s coming out.
- The WiiU’s controller will have some sort of wacky ability nobody in a thousand years would ever ask for. Like maybe you can use it as a fax machine or, I dunno, it will have little legs you can flip down so you can use it as a miniature table. Nintendo will dramatically announce this ability, then never mention it again.
- Mario and minigames available for launch!
- Redheaded stepchild series like Star Fox and Pikmin will be available at launch, not because Nintendo really cares about them, but because they look good in HD.
- Nintendo reps will talk enthusiastically about third party support as Ubisoft literally backs a dump truck into the auditorium and unloads a ton of medical waste (and, to be fair, a new Rayman sequel) onto the stage.
- Nintendo will embrace Pong-era technology and reveal the WiiU can support two controllers.
- A new redesign of the 3DS will be announced. It won’t have a 2nd slide pad or better screens, but it will have e-Reader and Gameboy Camera support.
- Epic five-minute Zelda trailer reduces the audience to a shuddering blubbering mass. Miyamoto then comes on stage, reveals that they just made that for s–ts and giggles and that the next Zelda game is actually The Legend of Zelda: Epic Yarn. The hippest five percent of the room cries even harder while the rest set fire to the stage.
- Exploratory research is being made into playing games over something called “The Internet”.
- Reggie Fils-Aime rushes the stage, double clotheslines Miyamoto and Iwata into the audience, immediately crowns himself King of Nintendo and decrees that nothing but Mario and Pokemon games will be released from that day forward.
- Nintendo apologizes to that one really angry guy you see in every Nintendo-related message board thread or comments section for creating motion controls, and sinks all the money they made from them into developing a really super rad 2D Metroid game. Angry guy literally explodes in ecstasy and Nintendo promptly cancels the 2D Metroid game.