“Battleship” is going to get sunk this weekend by “The Avengers”, but it doesn’t matter: it’s already a hit. It cost $209 million and it’ll probably make $400 million across the world when all is said and done, meaning that the studio will break even on the movie.
And, since this is Hollywood, that means A) they’re already writing “Battleship 2” and B) that board game season, not to mention card game season, is officially open. Here are ten games that Hollywood’s probably already optioned, along with a few taglines that we tried to make as horribly uncreative as possible, so when their marketing departments do use them, we can sue.
We also expect them to define any game that comes in a box as a “board game”, even if it’s a roleplaying game.
Oh wait: they’re already making one. And it’s 3D animation, not stop motion. Booooooo!
Likely Tagline: Hit the bricks this summer.
If a Magic game wasn’t already in the works, it is now. Because, hey, the kids like fantasy, right? And it’s got magic in the title! Let’s put a Black Lotus on the poster and all the nerds will show up!
Likely Tagline: This summer, action is on tap.
Honestly, we’re a little surprised this one hasn’t already been made into a movie. Presumably that’s because cyberpunk was hip in the ’80s and there was no way that special effects could even pull off a good “Shadowrun” movie. But now, hey, anything’s possible.
Of course, this probably means they’ll turn it into something like Stallone’s version of “Judge Dredd”.
Likely Tagline: Experience the dark future in IMAX this summer.
This is more likely to be a wacky comedy starring Sasha Baron Cohen than a serious exploration of survival, not least because, when it really comes down to it, Hollywood doesn’t like to be subversive and there’s nothing less subversive than joking about how ignorant backwoods hicks bang livestock. And he’ll also probably have to fight a wizard or something, because that’s just how these movies work. We can see the pitch meeting now: “It’s like Shrek, but live action!”
Likely Tagline: He’s got wood for sheep this summer.
But wait, you say. They already made a crappy D&D movie, you say. It even had a crappier direct to video sequel, you say.
To which we say, there’s no intellectual property Hollywood won’t repeatedly try to make work. Just ask “Flash Gordon.” They’ll throw $75 million at this one just to make sure they’ve got a dragon in the trailer.
Likely Tagline: You Just Failed Your Constitution Check.
All they have to hear is that it’s a period picture with lots of backstabbing. That’s a four-quarter kind of movie, baby! Chicks love that drama crap! But let’s give it some robots powered by steam, and maybe a streetwise CGI sidekick for our heroic white guy!
Likely Tagline: Watch your back this summer.
Hollywood execs will take one look at the art, scream “KID’S MOVIE!”, and turn it into an adorable adventure where vaguely John Kovalic-looking midgets have a heartwarming spiritual journey.
Likely Tagline: Little Hands, Big Hearts.
This would probably become a movie about plucky kids navigating alternate timelines with the help of a few C-list comedians.
Wait, did we actually just pitch “Slider Babies” to Hollywood?
Likely Tagline: Nothing stays the same this summer.
Wait, how did this game even avoid the pirates craze? This is exactly the kind of thing Hollywood buys and then jams craploads of pirates into, and they’d probably throw in some ninjas while they were at it.
Likely Tagline: Take a bad vacation this summer.
And finally there’s this one. A game about some annoying guy who has absolutely shocking luck is a no-brainer for Hollywood. They love huge stupid ensemble comedies. Pack this one with a few “Big Bang Theory” and “Happy Endings” cast members, write an unfunny script, pay Terry Jones to be Dr. Lucky and the only funny thing about the film, and you’ve got the kind of movie Hollywood loves to make and nobody likes to watch. They’ll probably toss in a few ghosts or a vampire or something, too, because what the hell, right?
Likely Tagline: Get Lucky this summer.
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