I read a lot of video game reviews. So many in fact that I started to wonder — what if video game reviewers always existed? What if there were people throughout history reviewing important events and groundbreaking inventions using the language of your typical video game review? Oh yeah, that’s right bitches, we’re going high concept, so strap yourself in and hit that jump…
Fire, wheel, the pyramids, Crusades & printing press via Shutterstock
Pong via The Pong Museum
Easily the most graphically impressive thing this reviewer has seen to date, and trust me, once you’ve tried cooked meat, you won’t be able to put it down. This is the blow-away product human beings needed for the launch of their new society. Mark my words — competing primates are going to be left in the dust now that mankind has an exclusive lock on Fire. If you haven’t already, run, don’t walk, to the nearest wooded area, get two sticks and start rubbing them together.
5 Chunks of Crispy Grilled Mastodon out of 5
The Wheel is great in theory, but somewhat lacking in execution. While The Wheel’s new “rolling” mechanic is interesting, it just didn’t deliver the sense of speed I was hoping for. Also, The Wheel is currently riddled with glitches — I recently tried to transport a cart of pelts to a neighbouring village, and before I was even halfway there, my copy of The Wheel just straight up broke. I tried applying the suggested patch, but The Wheel ran rough for the remainder of my quest. Hopefully future sequels to The Wheel address these issues.
2 Axels out of 4
The Pyramids were worth the wait — a highly polished triple-A production all the way. I would have liked some more variation in level design (one desert environment after another starts to wear on you), but that’s a minor quibble. Slavery’s a small price to pay when the result is something as ball rockin’ awesome as The Pyramids.
9 Mummified Cats out of 10
The Crusades seemed promising at first, but the Catholic Church has gone to the well one too many times. After the first Crusade was anybody really asking for another eight expansion packs (and let’s not even get into that ill-fated Children’s Crusade spin-off)? Don’t get me wrong, The Crusades had their moments, but it’s time to give this Holy War a bit of a rest.
0 Holy Grails out of 1
The Printing Press
The Printing Press isn’t so much a game as it is a creative toy, but don’t let that scare you away — impressive things can be created with The Printing Press assuming you can get past its rather steep learning curve. For one, you will need to know how to read to use The Printing Press, but since you’re already reading this review and, I assume, sort of understanding it, you’ll struggle through.
4 Gutenberg Bibles out of 5
The Mona Lisa
Celebrated creator Leonardo Da Vinci has released his most graphically amazing work yet. While The Mona Lisa’s environments are rather low-res and nothing to write home about, The Mona Lisa’s main character model is one of the most lifelike to date. Once again, the Renaissance proves to be a great time to be a graphics whore — much better than the over long and underwhelming “Dark Ages” that came before.
4 Flying Machines out of 4
World War I
A visceral roller coaster experience that serves up non-stop action and death-defying thrills — World War I will absolutely keep you glued to your trenches. The explosions and blood effects are easily the most eye-popping we’ve seen to date. My only complaint is that the challenge level seems to be set just a little too high, especially during charges through no-man’s land.
4 Big Berthas out of 5
World War II
World War I was a good war, some even go so far as to call it “The Great War”, but was anybody asking for another World War so soon? Oh, and the Germans? Again? Couldn’t we have come up with some new villains? This whole World War II thing just seems kind of unnecessary.
1 Iron Cross out of 5
The Cold War
The Cold War offers an incredible amount of depth, but it may be too slow paced and complex for anybody who’s not a dedicated strategy fanatic. Also, and this is a complaint I rarely make, The Cold War may actually be too long — it seems like it’s never going to end, and yet I can’t stop playing.
3 Cuban Missiles out of 10
Pong, the first so-called “video game” to hit the mainstream, is largely a disappointment. Crude graphics, a lack of modes and it’s multiplayer really should be playable over ARPANET. If future video games are anything like Pong, I don’t see them taking off — stick to pinball folks.
1 Paddle Controller out of 5
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