Superheroes and supervillains are incredibly attractive people with attention issues and various other psychological problems in tight costumes working together in incredibly tense situations. So, it may be off-panel, but there is a heck of a lot of bangin’ going on in both the DCU and the 616.
So, we thought we’d take a look at the Justice League and the Avengers (the classic lineups), and see who’s gotten around the most. Starting with the most pure and chaste…
Let’s review: this is a guy who had a stacked redhead drop from the sky, offer him sex with no strings attached whatsoever, and he turned her down flat. Probably because she didn’t have two Ls in her name, but really, self control doesn’t get more substantial than that.
Although it’s not entirely self control at work here: Superman is, after all, an alien, so it’s not like what flips his switch is the same thing that flips ours. Although we’re guessing from Lois’ behavior that Kryptonians really like their partners to stumble into stupid life-threatening situations and to be kind of surly and bitchy to them at first meeting.
Again, alien. Admittedly, shapeshifting alien, but this is a guy who’s shown more interest in Chocos than he has in the women Mars supposedly needs. Then again, being the last of your species probably puts a damper on your sex life.
Oh, please. Granted, he’s the uncontested regent of Atlantis. But no guy in an orange shirt and skin-tight green pants with fins on them gets that much action. When he went with the Gandalf beard and hook hand, it probably made things worse.
There’s also that whole “happily married” thing, but we like making fun of the outfit more.
Hank Pym is pretty much defined entirely by ignoring his hot fashion designer wife in skimpy outfits. He’s also generally either a huge self-pitying dork, or too wrapped up in his scientific work to even notice his wife, unless he feeling abusive that day. OK, so he did manage to get Tigra in the sack, but Hank is one of those guys who maybe went on a date once before he met Janet, and has pretty much stuck with her ever since.
Fun fact: in the original Thor legend, if you rub Mjolnir, it gets bigger.
That said, Thor, as arrogant as he can be, is a little too noble to just wantonly tap the wenches of Midgard. That said, dude is walking around with his Mjolnir out. Cover your shame, man! Knit it a little hat or something, at least!
She comes from an island that consists of nothing but women wrestling with each other and tying each other up. She was also surrounded by Greek gods constantly. Wondy’s definitely seen some action, but we’re not sure how much, so we’re putting her in the middle.
Similarly, Cap is a polite muscular blond guy with a chiseled jaw, and a former soldier. And he’s a freaking artist on top of that. He can pretty much have sex with whoever he wants, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation; all he has to do is ask.
Granted, he’s so incredibly upright and decent it’s a little hard to imagine him hitting the bars with the Vision for a one-night stand, but he is human. We’re ranking him at the same level as Wondy; Cap’s not a sleaze, but he’s no virgin, either.
We guess we do have to count Winick’s run, but even so, Ollie, in the end, isn’t as much of a manwhore as he thinks he is. Granted, the man really will sleep with anybody; we’re amazed Black Lightning didn’t blast him to a crisp after Ollie banged his cousin (oh, and got her killed). But he’s a little too clingy to Black Canary for us to totally buy he’s the sex machine he claims to be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he’s too “dedicated”. Sure, right, whatever, the studly billionaire never ever ever has had sex with anybody…except, you know, every single woman who’s lasted for more than two issues with the (possible) exception of Renee Montoya.
Granted, Bruce Wayne has almost zero judgement when it comes to women; this guy has banged more supervillains than even the biggest lech on this list. Also, knocking up your girlfriend when you knew you weren’t going to take the job her dad was offering IS pretty low, even if the job is running the League of Assassins. Come on, there are no condoms in the utility belt? Douche.
The Hulk is nothing it not prolific: he’s got three children that we know of, and two of them are actually born in wedlock. Banner spent most of his life wandering from place to place, being nice to people, practicing meditation techniques, and growing a manly scruff of stubble. Considering he was in the American Southwest, which has a large concentration of hippies, we doubt Bruce lacked for a place to sleep at night.
And that’s just Bruce; the Hulk is another matter entirely. We’re pretty sure a gigantic guy with what’s likely the longest gamma ray in the Marvel Universe, and is made of pure id, has gotten some occasionally.
Oh dear God.
To give you an idea of how far Tony’s Mark 1 has wandered, Wizard proved that if you buy into the idea that if you sleep with one person, you sleep with everyone they’ve slept with and whoever they’ve slept with, it means Tony’s conquests have been nailed by Magneto, Puck, the Kingpin, Beta Ray Bill and Galactus. And that was nearly a decade ago; he’s had plenty of time to charge up some more repulsors elsewhere.
His standards, similarly, are pretty damn low, maybe not as low as the “winner”, but definitely down there. This is the guy who slept with his close friend’s ex-wife while his entire life was falling apart around him.
Apparently, the only people he might, MIGHT, be beaten by in the entire Marvel Universe are Wolverine and Daredevil. And that’s actually kind of sad.
Just a friendly reminder that Hal Jordan, in addition to having chiseled abs, distinguished grey hair, and a job as a test pilot that makes him seem like unto a god even before he puts on the power ring, is also a huge sleaze who will pretty much charge his power battery off of anybody who will let him. In fact, he arguably qualifies as a rapist: this guy has slept with a fourteen-year-old who aged her body in order to get in his pants. Yech.
Also consider that the Silver Age basically implied Hal dumped his longtime girlfriend so hard he turned her into a psychotic lesbian supervillain. Seriously, go back and read some of Star Sapphire’s dialogue; it gets uncomfortable and weird, fast.
We’re calling this one a tie. The Justice League may have fewer flashers and wife beaters, but the Avengers don’t have anybody with a propensity for forced-puberty jail bait or a tendency to get their hookups murdered (or reduced to a childlike mental state, if you’re Batman).
What do you think? And is there something we missed in our rankings? Let us know in the comments.
