An Open Letter To Batman Regarding Robin

By: 03.15.13  •  30 Comments

SPOILER WARNING! Don’t hit the jump if you haven’t read up to issue #8 of Batman Incorporated. Yeah, I know you’ve probably had the issue spoiled a dozen times by a dozen websites already, but just in case this is your only source of comics news, you’ve been forewarned…

Hey Batman! Er, greetings? Humble salutations? I’m not sure how to open a letter to a superhero.

My deepest condolences on the recent loss of your son Damian. I know you have to be going through a rough time right now, but we need to talk, you know, about the whole Robin thing.

If history is any indication you’re already on the lookout for someone new to wear the red and green — in fact, it seems like you’ve got another little wounded-bird all lined up in Harper Row, sassy teenage hacker. She’s certainly promising, but I’m asking you, begging you to step back and reconsider before you give her the Batcave tour.

Maybe don’t show Harper this constantly expanding corner of the Batcave.

According to your bosses at DC, you’ve only been Batman-ing it for five years. In that time you’ve lost three Robins. Sure, a couple of them came back to life again, but you can’t go on as usual counting on the fact that Superboy-Prime is always going to be there to punch a magical wall for you. Your Robin safety record is abysmal, and it’s time to reconsider your hiring practices.

First off, no more emotionally wounded children. I’m afraid I’m going to have to be absolutely firm on this one. It simply isn’t working — it causes no end of headaches and heartaches for you, and more than half the time they end up dead. The next Robin should be at least 21 and not recently orphaned. Got it?

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