A new Mortal Kombat game was unveiled this week, and I suppose I’m mildly excited, which is kind of strange to say, because like most gamers who grew up during the 90s, I used to be all about the Kombat. I loved the first three entries in the series, but then Mortal Kombat 4 happened and the franchise hasn’t really grabbed my attention since. I don’t think I’m alone in that.
So, what does Mortal Kombat X have to do to get old time fans back on board? Here’s a few bloody good ideas…
I’m pretty sure no human being has this much blood in their entire body, never mind their head.
Make the Gore Ridiculous Again
The violence in recent Mortal Kombat games has gone down the wrong path — regular punches, kicks and attacks barely cause any bloodshed at all, while Fatalities have become overly detailed and clinical, to the point they’re more gross than fun.
Mortal Kombat violence needs to be absurd. Every punch needs to send spurts of bright red blood flying everywhere, and the Fatalities should be ridiculous — falling arcade machines and Johnny Cage nut punching people to death, not the torture porn-ish stuff the last game served up.
Bring back Bear Blowjobalities!
Bring Back All The Alities
Speaking of Fatalities, the next game needs to have all the Alities. Animalities, Brutalities, Friendships and, of course, Babalities. Hell, make up some new ones! Abnormalities! Turn into a mutant freak and tear your opponent apart. Dualities! Have a clone of your guy appear so you can destroy your opponent with a tag team finisher. Beastiality! Uh, wait, maybe not that one.
Drop The Stupid Storyline
Back when 99% of video game narratives were “save the princess/kill the aliens” everyone praised Mortal Kombat’s “complex” (er, sorry, “komplex”) back story, which apparently went to Ed Boon’s head, because now every Mortal Kombat is weighed down by confounding, meandering plots. I mean, how many times has this series killed Liu Kang by now? Who actually cares about this stuff?
If you can’t sum up the story in a quick text scroll, it’s not worth having. Shao Kahn invites everyone to an island to fight each other, Goro shows up, blah blah Netherrealm, Liu Kang wins. That’s all you need!