A Definitive Ranking Of The Pop Songs Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

By: 08.07.14

T.U.R.T.L.E. Power by Partners In Kryme

This is, by far, the most successful Turtles song, reaching #13 in the US, and #1 in the UK. Then again, this was a #1 hit in the UK, too. British taste kind of went into the crapper after the Beatles.

It is perhaps telling that Partners In Kryme never released an actual album, and their only other relevant contribution to music history is a song on the soundtrack to that seminal ’90s classic Cool As Ice. Honestly, the most damning thing I can say about this track is that I probably listened to the soundtrack a thousand times as a kid, and I really thought 9.95 by Spunkadelic was the theme song to the movie.

On a related note, who the hell names their band “Spunkadelic?”

Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice

Amazingly, this did not chart, despite everybody who was between five and nine in 1991 knowing it backwards and forwards. It doesn’t appear to have actually been released as a single, although it does have the honor of inspiring a rather… dedicated fan page.

Anyway, this is, if anything, even blander, right down to the wheezily annoying beat. Mostly this song exists to be the subject of hilarious mac n’ cheese ads and to be overanalyzed by graduate students in papers like “Ninjas Vs. Gangstas: Cultural Appropriation and Racial Coding In Late Twentieth Century Popular Music.” I personally guarantee there’s some doctoral candidate writing that as we speak. But that said, and as bad as this is, there’s one Turtles song that’s so, so much worse.

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