I don’t know about you, but I love a good comic-book origin story, which is why I’m excited to check out Gotham on September 22nd. Serving as the origin story of Commissioner Gordon, as well as displaying the formative years of Batman/Bruce Wayne, we’re bound to get some dark, brooding, crime-ridden goodness.
We’ll also get to see how some of Batman’s baddies developed: The Penguin, The Riddler, Catwoman, Jada Pinkett Smith (probably has something to do with A Low Down Dirty Shame).
But, not all of Batman’s foes have been quite as devilishly entertaining as the aforementioned. Here are a few Batman villains who should never ever show up on Gotham.
Captain Stingaree
Power: Really badass sword fighting skills.
Debut: Detective Comics #460 (June 1976)
Karl Courtney is a quadruplet who always got picked on by his brothers, which, even if you don’t reside in comic-book land, will turn you into a mean bastard. Courtney decides one day to don a pirate outfit — adopting the name Captain Stingaree — while using a cutlass to terrorize everyone in front of the TCL Chinese Theater. Actually, he goes after Batman, trying to expose his identity, because, you know, that’s what crazed pirates do.
Captain Stingaree at some point suspects his abusive brothers are Batman, and Batman, being the insensitive pr*ck that he is, talks his sh*tty brothers into baiting Stingaree into capture. Captain Stingaree shows back up again in 2006 where we learn he’s in a gay relationship with the Cavalier which means his brothers and Batman are homophobic. Then Bane breaks Cavalier’s back, which is in no way a gay joke.
Kite Man
Power: Uses hang-gliders with weapons attached to them.
Debut: Batman vol. 1 #133 (August 1960)
Charles Brown (an homage to Charlie Brown, who was more terrifying) is an excellent hang-glider, but instead of making awesome GoPro videos, he decides to weaponize his “kites” in order to wreak havoc. In one encounter, Kite Man and Batman take to the skies to battle in what is essentially a hang-glider dogfight, which is kind of awesome and ridiculous at the same time.
In 52 — a weekly comic that debuted in 2006 — Kite Man is (spoiler alert) killed and eaten by the cannibalistic gangster Bruno “Ugly” Mannheim.
Polka-Dot Man a.k.a Mr. Polka-Dot
Power: The polka-dots on his suit can be turned into weapons.
Debut: Detective Comics (vol. 1) #300 (February 1962)
Besides having weapon-filled buttholes covering his body (seriously, how else could this work?), Polka-Dot Man actually manages to capture Robin which should really make Batman rethink his choice for a sidekick. Showing that he’s actually just a regular guy, Polka-Dot Man, a.k.a. Abner Krill, eventually gets beaten by the police and hospitalized. He files a police brutality suit, but eventually is killed by Human Flame. Polka-Dot Man is not to be confused with this guy:
Film Freak
Power: He can over-analyze an Alfred Hitchcock mise-en-scène until you convulse with boredom (he has no powers).
Debut: Batman #395 (May 1986)
Burt Weston, a.k.a. Film Freak, is a failed actor who resorts to a life of villainy, reenacting the crimes from some of his favorite films. He has absolutely zero powers, but he’s really good at being super-creepy: one of his signatures is a pair of earrings that look like film canisters. When a reporter discovers his identity, he stalks her in the same fashion as Norman Bates from Psycho.
Film Freak tries attacking steroid-freak, Bane, but because Bane hates the “talkie film” era, he kills him. That, and Film Freak gave Jackie Brown 2 out of 4 stars and everyone knows that it deserves at least three dammit!
The Eraser
Power: He erases crime scene evidence with his head, naturally.
Debut: Batman #188 (December, 1966)
Leonard Fiasco, a.k.a. The Eraser, ironically, is not good at the SATs. When he was Bruce Wayne’s classmate, he would always have an eraser in hand because, well, he was an idiot. Fiasco decides to turn to crime when Bruce Wayne, being the stud that he is, takes Fiasco’s crush to the college ice festival. After Batman beats the sh*t out of The Eraser, he sends him off to prison.
Not merely content with stealing his girl and crushing his hopes at finding true love, Batman gifts an eraser to an imprisoned Fiasco and tells him to start life with a “clean slate.”
So, besides these being terrible villains that should never show up on Gotham, we’ve also learned that Batman is a homophobe, womanizer and bully. Now, let’s go find all the Riddler trophies in Arkham City.
