Losing your penis is something that fills many men with dread. And, truthfully, if there’s a congenital malformation or traumatic injury, there’s not much medical science can do right now. But they’re testing out growing you a new penis!
The process, developed at the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine, is actually pretty simple, according to the Guardian. The lab — run by Dr. Anthony Atala of vagina transplant fame — takes cells from what’s left of whoever got their crotch chomped by a bear or tested that urban legend about the vacuum cleaner. They begin cultivating them on a collagen lattice created from a “donor penis,” which would be a great name for a punk band. Once you’ve got everything grown, you transplant the penis.
Currently, the penises are being tested for “safety, function, and durability,” and we have to admit, we’re curious about how those tests were designed. And to answer the first question we know you’re asking:
“My concern is that they might struggle to recreate a natural erection,” [urologist Asif Muneer] said. “Erectile function is a coordinated neurophysiological process starting in the brain, so I wonder if they can reproduce that function or whether this is just an aesthetic improvement. That will be their challenge.”
As for the second question we know you’re asking, no, you probably can’t get a bigger penis out of this. The size is dependent entirely on the donor lattice, and right now they’re focused more on, you know, giving new penises to wounded veterans and people with actual medical issues, not people’s vanity.
We doubt you’ll have to wait long, however. We couldn’t find any har-er, accurate data on the penis enlargement industry, aside from $172 million of your tax dollars going to dong vacuums, but we’re betting it won’t be long before they jump on this train.