Well folks, E3 2012 is officially upon us! Are you one of those people unfortunate enough have a job and/or responsibilities that might keep you from watching video game press conferences in the middle of the workday? Don’t worry! I’ll be recapping the “Big 3” console makers’ press conferences right here on GammaSquad.
In addition to relaying the facts, I’ll be blasting you with my instant, off-the-cuff, totally knee-jerky reactions to all the reveals. Will I make some statements I live to regret? Oh, most definitely, but I think it’ll be more fun this way.
Hit the jump for all the fun from Microsoft’s E3 press conference…
Got a free 100-minutes and want to watch the entire Microsoft presser for yourself? Here it is…Subscribe to UPROXX
…don’t got the time, or can’t do without my insightful thoughts on Microsoft’s showing? Then read on.
– Press conference is late in starting. Something Phil Collins-esque is playing. Or maybe it’s actually Phil Collins — I’m not overly familiar with his catalogue.
– The set is marginally less tacky than usual. Sorry Microsoft, guess you’re not setting the record this year.
– Okay, we kick off with Halo 4 footage. There’s a cheesy live-action Halo cinematic that I desperately hope actually makes it into the game. The actual in-game stuff sees Master Chief making his way through a jungly environment, shooting robots, until there are just too many robots to shoot! Cliffhanger!
Instant Reaction – Surprisingly slow paced, traditional looking shooter, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Kept reminding me of Metroid Prime or Turok the Dinosaur Hunter, which also isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Cortana’s boobs seem to get more uh, prominent with each new game.
Splinter Cell: Blacklist
– Somebody brings an injured guy into some camp. Everyone’s speaking in a foreign tongue and looks terrorist-ey. The prompts for Quick Time Events are written in Arabic. That’s actually pretty funny.
Instant Reaction – So edgy!
– The guy who brought in the injured guy whips off his face covering. He’s actually a white guy and kills everybody!
Instant Reaction – Thank goodness!
– It’s Sam Fisher! He kills, like, 10 guys in five seconds.
Instant Reaction – These are quite the lame terrorists.
– Kinect will let you distract people by shouting things.
Instant Reaction – Because wrestling with voice recognition software is really what you want to be doing when playing a tense action game.
– Call in air strikes with Kinect and climb up walls and cliffs.
Instant Reaction – Ubisoft is really getting their money out of those Assassin’s Creed climbing mechanics, aren’t they?
– Sam finds the head terrorist, holds a gun to his head, but the terrorist pulls the trigger! Those terrorists!
Instant Reaction – Sam says the guy “shot himself”, but does it really count as the terrorist shooting himself when you already have a gun to his face? Come on Sam. Also, nice drippy blood effects.
EA Sports Stuff
– Madden and FIFA will support Kinect, and by “support Kinect” I mean it’ll only support voice recognition for play calling and whatnot.
– Joe Montana comes out to call some Madden plays.
Instant Reaction – I have literally no idea whether the things he’s yelling are actually happening on screen. Either way, this is incredibly uninteresting.
Thanks for wearing your best floppy denim shirt to the show Joe.
Fable: The Journey
– Live action shots of some guy shooting fireballs out of his hands Dragon Ball Z style. Oh, okay, this is for that Fable Kinect game. Hmmm.
Instant Reaction – Nintendo wants it’s circa-2006 Wii promo back. All this is missing is a couch for the fireball-shooting guy to dive behind.