Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, and back when cable was fun, that meant Comedy Central would be running “Turkey Day”: a marathon of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes that was always way better than the rest of Thanksgiving TV. And almost inevitably got changed in favor of football, because your relatives suck.
We know that the spirit of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” lives on in RiffTrax and the hilarious live “Cinematic Titanic”…but it’s not the same. We miss Mike and the Bots, we miss Doctor and Mrs. Forrester…and, above all, we miss the fact that there are so, so many godawful movies coming out that will never feel the surprisingly cutting smart-ass remarks that this cadre of Midwesterners can dish out.
So, here are five movies that hit theaters that deserve, nay, need the gentle touch of the Satellite of Love. And, of course, if you have any suggestions, leave ’em in the comments.
#5) The Spirit
What is it about Will Eisner that the man is a complete genius on the page, and his work keeps getting chainsawed by the screen? This is actually the second time somebody’s tried to get Wildwood’s favorite resident onscreen, and the first time was an ’80s TV movie that thought it was the ’60s Batman TV show.
Also, we’re pretty sure Mike and the bots are the only way watching a kitten get dissolved will ever be made palatable.
#4) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This one deserves it just because there has never, ever, ever been a movie more gleefully stupid, or less deserving of hiding behind the excuse of being gleefully stupid.
Devastator has a wrecking ball scrotum, for God’s sake. A robot, in this movie, has testicles.
In our fantasy world, the show has the budget to make Crow and Servo transformers as well, because, let’s face it, they’d do better than those racist cartoons the movie got razzed so hard for.
#3) Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
We’re singling this one out because, let’s face it, as bad as a good chunk of the trilogy is, this really is the series’ low point.
Why? Because George had claimed he’d listened to every single complaint about Episode I and gave us…a crappy, lumbering piece of work that came off like AU fanfic. You can at least make an argument for “Episode III” as a halfway decent movie, if for no other reason than unlike the rest of the False Trilogy, it actually has some genuine ties to the movies we love.
Also, it has what feels like the longest jump kick on film. Seriously, how do you make a fight scene between Jango Fett and Obi-Wan Kenobi drag?
#2) Blade II
You can make a strong case for “Blade: Trinity”, which is completely awful as well, but that at least is genuinely funny in parts and nobody expects brilliance from David Goyer. Guillermo Del Toro is another matter.
The main problem with this movie is, realistically speaking, Guillermo Del Toro just doesn’t do well with other people’s scripts. If he can’t work in fairy tales, clockwork, and a few of his other visual hangups into the movie, he’s just not happy. Witness “Hellboy II”, which might as well have just starred Archie instead of Anung Un Rama.
Also, this happens to be the movie where a “light grenade” is avoided by diving under water.
#1) Battlefield Earth
Out of all of these, this is the great lost opportunity. This movie is deservedly infamous; it’s absolutely awful, and it’s still shocking that at least $50 million was spent on this ridiculous vanity project. Everybody involved has never really recovered: Travolta lost his career, Barry Pepper only recently returned to the limelight, and the director deservedly vanished.
And MST3K was still on the air. They could have redubbed this movie with the whole SOL crew and turned a financial disaster into one of the greatest movies of all time.
It’s not too late, Warners. You can still do the right thing, the just thing, and give this movie to the people who will treat it as it deserves.