Say what you will about Lindsay Lohan; she’s a machine. A machine built to act. Today, she’s acting like she was supposed to be in The Avengers. Lohan has made 10 movies since 2010, and played herself in half of them. Obviously, those films were just to prepare her for the role she was born to play: Super Lindsay Lohan. Her superpowers include the ability to mesmerize anyone with her boobs and the ability to shoot fire from her crotch (but only to light a cigarette).
In an episode of her
critically acclaimed Oprah Winfrey Network reality show, Lohan off-handedly mentioned that she was almost cast in the blockbuster Marvel movie. She said that her manager didn’t push for her hard enough, and “they went with an unknown” for the part. Seriously, who could she have possibly played? As great as it was, The Avengers wasn’t exactly a diverse film. I count exactly three prominent parts for women: Pepper Potts, Black Widow, and Maria Hill. Gwyneth Paltrow (Potts) and Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) certainly aren’t unknowns, and both played those roles in earlier films.
That leaves only Cobie Smulders, who played Maria Hill. Lohan obviously was throwing some shade at someone who she feels is inferior to her. While Smulders isn’t exactly known for her film work, she is far from an unknown. She’s starred in How I Met Your Mother for the last nine years. Lohan was eighteen when that show started airing, which is coincidentally right about when Lindsay’s career headed downhill. Hey, didn’t Lohan have a singing career at some point? I can’t name any of her songs, but I know “Let’s Go to the Mall” and “Sandcastles in the Sand” were sung by Smulders. Cobie wasn’t cast in The Avengers because Lohan’s manager made a mistake. She was cast because she is more talented and more professional than Lindsay.
Lohan has a lot to look forward to, though. She may not have been in The Avengers, but she’s guest-starring in an upcoming episode of Two Broke Girls! That could have been a lot of fun, unless Kat Dennings made a big deal out of the fact that she was in two Marvel films. Or maybe we’ve blown this out of proportion. Maybe Lindsay wasn’t being considered for the movie, and was trying to look important on her awful reality show. Maybe it was just on the list of films she’s slept with. I think we all know the most likely scenario is that Lindsay was actually rejected for a part in This Ain’t The Avengers: XXX.