Did I just hear the third seal popping? LOLpocalypse.
This isn’t the first sandwich in a can I’ve ever seen; that distinction goes to Cheeseburger in a Can, reviewed (with horrifying pictures of the real thing) by some poor bastard at AV Club who got stuck with the assignment. But this new Candwich probably does take the cake horrifying canned sandwich for having the craziest backstory:
Investors in Utah who put $145 million in the hands of a money manager named Travis L. Wright will still have thinner wallets. A lawsuit by the federal Securities and Exchange Commission says that Mr. Wright promised returns of up to 24 percent on real estate investments, but that he put the money instead into Candwich development and other equally untried ideas. Along with sales of canned sandwiches — Pepperoni Pizza Pocket and French Toast in a can were planned — Mr. Wright’s companies, under the banner of Waterford Funding, also invested in a company selling rose petals printed with greeting card sentiments and another selling watches over the Internet. [NYTimes]
Yes, but the Candwich also has a yellow circle on the can promising a “candy surprise inside”. Surely that’s worth $145 million, right? Oh, but it gets crazier. Wright didn’t even pay Mark Kirkland at Mark One Foods any of the promised investment dollars for ramping up production of the Candwich, which is supposedly still going to be released later this year. The Mark One Foods website is currently down. So that’s reassuring.
Meanwhile, Mr. Wright is listed as living in Draper, Utah, according to the SEC’s suit, and wouldn’t return any phone calls to the New York Times. Which raises some questions: where the hell did the $145 million go if he wasn’t paying back investors or the manufacturer, and why would you stay in Utah if you tricked people into giving you $145 million? Nothing about any of this makes sense. How is this not happening in Japan? What is the candy surprise inside? Why am I hungry for french toast in a can now? I need to lie down. I’m going to eat a canned chicken sandwich and slip into a little coma. See you guys on Monday.
[Thanks to Geekosystem for the nightmare fuel.]