The Erotic Dialog Of ‘Dragon Age: Inquisition’ May Ruin Sex Forever

10.23.14 3 years ago 8 Comments
gammasquaddragonage2

BioWare/EA

“What the f*ck did you just say?”

One of the, uh, more unique aspects of BioWare’s RPGs is that they all dutifully include the option to woo various virtual characters then take them to your space/fantasy boudoir for a cringe-worthy video game sex scene. Instead of just admitting they made a terrible mistake after the first Mass Effect, BioWare has continued to shoehorn the sex thing into every game since. The Dragon Age series has served up some particularly egregious sex scenes…

Who’s aroused? Anybody? Put your hands down, #GamerGate guys.

But surely the power of current-gen consoles will make BioWare’s sexy sex sexier, right? Haha, nooooo. The ESRB just released their description of the naughty parts of Dragon Age: Inquisition and from the sounds of things, this is going to be BioWare’s most laughable exploration of elf sex yet. First a quick description of the polygonal personal areas you’ll be seeing…

“The game includes some sexual material: a female character briefly depicted in front of a man’s torso (fellatio is implied), characters depicted topless or with exposed buttocks while lying in bed or after sex.”

You had me at exposed buttocks. Thankfully the ESRB also provided some examples of the game’s loins-stirring dirty talk, such as…

“I will bring myself sexual pleasure later, while thinking about this with great respect.”

I hope nobody’s every brought themselves to sexual pleasure while thinking about me with great respect. That would make me sad. Here’s another steamy(ing) gem…

“The way your tits bounce when I pin your arms and take you on the side of the bed…”

Mmmm boy, now that’s some finely crafted prose. Dragon Age: Inquisition will be here to satisfy all your classy masturbatory needs November 18th.

Via ESRB

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