Tomb Raider Busting Into Theaters In 2013

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Entertainment Editor
03.08.11 2 Comments

Graham King (The Town, The Departed, The Tourist, I’m sensing a pattern here) has acquired the film rights to Square Enix game “Tomb Raider” with plans to reboot the franchise in multiple films with his company GK Films.

The company announced the plan in a press release (via Deadline), saying that “the films will create daring new adventures for the young and dynamic Lara Croft.” [/film]

“Daring new adventures” is Hollywood code for “boobs and more boobs”.  “Young and dynamic” is code for “barely legal. Also boobs.”  The first film in the series is set to raid theaters* in 2013, which we’re guessing will be proceeded by a porn parody inevitably titled This Ain’t Tomb Raider XXX.  What, are they too fancy to call it Womb Raider 2013?

* Balloons are falling from the ceiling and the Mayor of the Internet walks into the room to inform me I’m the one millionth blogger to say Tomb Raider is “raiding theaters”.  Yay, I won a souvenir punch in the face.

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When not writing for Uproxx, Caleb likes to volunteer at the legless cat shelter and photoshop the Babadook into all of his family photos. He once resolved the question “To be or not to be?” through the clever use of General Semantics. Your mom thinks you could be more like him if you only applied yourself.

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