If you’ve ever finished any of the Legend of Zelda titles and thought “Gee, I wonder what happens to Hyrule after this,” the real life epilogue is happening in Texas:
Link and Zelda start living together in the castle they’ve been captive in, but once things go south in their relationship (inevitable), Zelda calls in Ganondorf to sort out Link, and that’s when you gotta play the last boss over again because you forgot to save your game.
According to the Harris County Sheriff’s Office, a guy named Eugene Thompson gets in to a fight with his girlfriend, whose house he’s living in. She calls her estranged husband, and after telling the ex to get lost, Eugene does what every hero does when challenged:
- Find replica Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda series
In the brave young man’s own words:
“I heard him heading to the bedroom where I was, so I jumped in the closet and I grabbed one of my replica swords, and I pulled it out and stood at the doorway, and he was coming down the hallway at me while I was yelling, ‘Go away, you don’t live here’
…here’s where it turns in to a Bob Fosse musical:
and he just walked right into the point of the sword, I don’t know if he thought it was a toy,” said Thompson.
The ex-husband proved to be a very challenging level for Eugene, probably because he didn’t hold down the B button for a spin attack. Even after he stabbed his girlfriend’s ex with a mythical weapon and chased him out of the house, the husband broke down the locked front door and smashed a flower pot over his head.
“It dinged me on the head and all of a sudden I had blood pouring down my face,” said Thompson.
Thompson then proceeded to stab the ex-husband in the chest and leg. Dude. The vulnerable spot is always the tail.
This guy is even on camera with a banged-up forehead defending his honor. I know I should be on the side of the geeky cosplayer here, but clearly he’s outmatched at his own geekery. A word of warning to all you estranged husbands whose wives are shacking up with anime fans: There’s a reason they don’t allow the sale of actual replica weapons at most conventions, and it’s because with great nerdery comes great misunderstanding how to wield a giant sword. So don’t go charging at just anybody.