Your friendly neighborhood Futurama robot, Bender Bending Rodríguez, can be counted on for two things: The desire to kill all humans, and being drunk. He literally needs beer to live, unlike you. Us fleshy humans unfortunately have limits, and sometimes, we cross them. And then some. The next time that happens to you (not judging), maybe keep these Bender quotes in mind while trying to keep the room from spinning.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good?”
Everything becomes that much more enjoyable after your second, third, and fourth beer. Especially food. One slice of pizza quickly turns into a whole pie with the works, which pairs wonderfully with the bucket of fried chicken you had earlier in the evening. Tasting things tastes so good, but remember to eat in moderation. Otherwise, your fat folds will be going “wooooooo,” too.
“Another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.”
A lazy, pointless day is good. A lazy, pointless, drunk day is great. Spend it clearing your DVR (or maybe watching Futurama for a seventh time?), with a snifter nearby. Accomplish nothing. It’s good for the soul, if not the liver.
“So sober, so weak.”
You’re out on the town on Friday and Saturday night, enjoying some good company and even better drinks. But midweek, you’re trapped in an endlessly boring meeting at work, and dreaming of the weekend to come. Your sobriety has figuratively turned you to rust, unless you’re an alcoholic robot, then it’s literal.
“Wow, the interesting thing about that is…”
There are two kinds of conversations when you’ve had too much to drink: You’re either super engaged, or not at all. Bender is the latter. He’s confident (and drunk) enough to literally fall asleep mid-chat, because frankly, he doesn’t care. Maybe you won’t follow his lead, because you’re a human with remorse and not an egotistical robot, but c’mon, who hasn’t wanted to doze off while Jerry in marketing is telling you about his weekend plans?
“Ah, jeez, let’s just pray I have the energy to get myself another beer.”
When you’re feeling a little woozy, the long walk between the couch and the fridge — where a cold brew awaits — feels as long as a marathon. It’ll take all your strength to make your slumped body to stand up and stumble the 10 feet to grab another bottle. Convince yourself you have the energy to do so.
“Bender, Bender, Bender…”
It’s not always fun hanging out with the drunk guy or girl in the crowd. No wonder your friends stopped returning your calls. They’re fine with the slurring, and typo-ridden texts, and heavy sweating, but they’re fed up with the moment — and it always happens — when you refuse to stop talking about yourself. Your name might not be Bender, but replace his with yours and repeat ad nauseum. That’s what you sound like to them.