What’s wrong, you don’t speak Cher? It’s actually easier than you might imagine to translate, as Cher isn’t a whole language unto itself, but is rather a dialect of standard English. The basic rules of Cher involve using frequent abbreviations, capitalizing words in the middle of sentences, ignoring the space bar, and sometimes using one word to mean a completely different word.
Cher is spoken mostly on Twitter and sometimes incorporates elements of the language of Emoji. But don’t fear — if you’ve had trouble understanding Cher’s tweets in the past — which is understandable, as she’s one of our most overzealous celebrity tweeters — I’ve translated 10 of her most confusing missives into regular old boring English.
DEAR KANYE,THANK U,4 TRASHING THOSE LOATHSOME PARASITES,WHO STEAL OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS,”TIME & PRIVACY”WE CAN NEVER GET THOSE BACK! Cher
– Cher (@cher) July 21, 2013
Explanation: Cher is talking about paparazzi photographers when she says “loathsome parasites,” and she’s referring to an incident from earlier this month wherein Kanye West beat the ever-loving shit out of a photographer at the LA airport before jumping into his waiting ride (a spaceship?) and vamoosing on out of there. Also, sometimes Cher signs her tweets.
Down to 4% !
– Cher (@cher) July 28, 2013
Explanation: Cell phone battery, presumably.
Their wives r FLAMING BITCHES ! The Rocky Guy is the BIGGEST ASSHOLE EVER ! They should Run from these women “n do the Snoopy Dance ????
– Cher (@cher) July 29, 2013
Explanation: This is one part of a run-on tweet series about the reality show “Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas.” Cher is not a fan of the show or any of its cast. And she thinks the ghost emoji looks like Snoopy doing his dance, which is actually kind of amazingly accurate.
Hanging w/ Friends is Best Thing Ever.We were all yelling over each other,about vacations wed been on & Planning New 1″s.Tim was crazy! Me2
– Cher (@cher) July 27, 2013
Explanation: Cher thinks that hanging with friends is the best thing ever. She and her friends were all yelling over each other about vacations they’d been on and planning new ones, too. Tim was crazy and so was Cher.
I blocked someone’s DAD !?! Who was it ?
– Cher (@cher) July 15, 2013
Explanation: Cher got trigger-happy with the “block” button and cut-off a man who happened to be someone’s father. She would like to no more about the incident.
Just had BEST impromptu Party!JoJo Tim,Richard,Laurie,Belinda,twins, 4guy friends &Jen!Sang Merle songs,Laughed,Wrestled&Toasted w/Pappy”s
– Cher (@cher) July 27, 2013
Explanation: JoJo, Tim, Richard, Laurie, Belinda, and Jen are the name of Cher’s friends. She also has pals who are twins, and knows four other men who might not have names at all. “Merle” is Merle Haggard and “Pappy’s” is a type of bourbon. Let’s assume for our own sanity that “wrestled” actually just means “high-fived” in Cher.
IMAGE A LIFE …W/OUT,DEATH..OR DISEASE. THE KIIND OF POW’R.. 2 BRING A RICH MAN..2 HIS KNEES!
– Cher (@cher) July 8, 2013
Explanation: Cher is quoting a Cher song.
If i become complacent its all over! I either GROW with my convictions or wither like REPUBLICANS,who have 2 ask some1 if they’re ALLOWED 2
– Cher (@cher) July 3, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js Explanation: I don’t know, you guys. I don’t know. ALLOWED TO WHAT? Damn you, 140-character limit, damn you to hell.
If I posed naked I wouldn”t be ashamed ! Which I had, but alas… that ship has sailed ! Nite ????
– Cher (@cher) July 2, 2013
Explanation: This tweet was originally accompanied by a link to semi-nude photos of Cher taken years ago. Her intention was to defend critics of Kim Kardashian, who had been gossiping about the reality star’s low-cut dresses. The confusion here is that Cher meant “wish” when she said “which,” and so what was written had the exact opposite meaning of what she’d intended to say. Confusing! So: Cher wishes she’d posed naked earlier in her career, but alas, that ship has sailed.
Bye bye !
– Cher (@cher) July 7, 2013
Explanation: Night night !