Welcome, friends, to my live-blog of the 2013 MTV Movie Awards!
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8:58 p.m. ET. So we assume that Rebel Wilson’s entire monologue is being rewritten to include extensive celebration about fellow Aussie Adam Scott’s — No, not *that* Adam Scott — triumph at the Masters. Right?
9:00 p.m. We begin in Australia. You know because there’s a kangaroo. James Franco arrives in Australia in search of Russell Crowe, his favorite singer. He sees Rebel sitting outside of a tent. She has a boomerang and a koala shirt. “Rebel, you’ve been chosen,” James says. “To be Tom Cruise’s next wife?” she asks eagerly. He tells her what she’s been chosen for and she explains that she’s only hosted a parasitic worm. Rebel Wison has a Channing Tatum body pillow, which she says she uses to masturbate. Franco agrees that he does as well, which is funny if you’re a “30 Rock” fan . James promises Rebel that she’ll never regret hosting and nobody will ever say anything bad about her. He gives her an “Iron Man” suit, except it’s a woman. He calls it “Iron Mangina,” which isn’t really all that funny. She squeezes into the suit. “It fits like a glove. Unfortunately, my body is not hand-shaped,” she says.
9:03 p.m. Lots of flying footage from “Iron Man.” Rebel crashes through the ceiling and is throttled down onto the stage. “I landed right on my vag,” she says. She begins her live performance by singing “The Climb.” Presumably some other stars from “Pitch Perfect” will show up in a second.
9:06 p.m. There they are. On to “Lose Yourself.”
9:07 p.m. Rebel explodes her pink sweatsuit and she’s in a rather skimpy leather suit. This is very energetic. And nobody does gung-ho commitment like Rebel Wilson. The cutaways to the crowd don’t catch many excited stars. Why isn’t Seth Rogen more excited? Why isn’t Bradley Cooper more excited? Where’s the joy, y’all?
9:09 p.m. Rebel gets a chocolate bar and water and now she’s ready to go. Hermione is happy. “I am a bit surprised that they asked me to host and so’s MTV. They thought I was Adele,” Rebel says, before giving a shout-out to Lil Kim, the leader of North Korea. “Tonight we’re celebrating the 100th anniversary of the MTV Movie Awards,” Rebel says. Back in the day, we had Best Mustache and Best Woman Tied to a Train-Track. “Django, Very Recently Unchained” was their first winner, she jokes.
9:11 p.m. Are we actually giving a Best Ginger Award? I can no longer tell what’s ridiculous and what isn’t.
9:12 p.m. Sexiest Beard? I know she’s lying, but the nominees include Ben Affleck for “Argo” and Lena Dunham’s Vagina. So. Many. Vagina. Jokes. It’s like I’m watching “2 Broke Girls.”
9:12 p.m. Melissa McCarthy is presenting the first award.
9:13 p.m. Melissa’s presenting for Best Male Performance. Bradley Cooper isn’t smiling at anything. Melissa McCarthy’s speech is about how MTV meant to ask her “The Heat” co-star Sandy Bullock to present first.
9:14 p.m. Best Male Performance goes to… Bradley Cooper for “Silver Linings Playbook.” Suck it, Daniel Day-Lewis. They play “My Cheri Amour” in the hopes that he’ll go all psycho on everybody. He didn’t really dress up for this event, but at least he isn’t wearing a plastic bag. Taking things really seriously, he talks about the need to treat military veterans suffering from PTSD. I guess he didn’t get to make many speeches during the Oscar season and who’s gonna argue with his point? Not me. Good on ya, Bradley!
9:17 p.m. I wonder why Emma Watson and Selena Gomez didn’t host together. It seems like every other audience cutaway is to one of them. At least they could have been sat together for efficiency. And pint-sized hotness.
9:19 p.m. No. No. No. No.
9:19 p.m. That was my reaction to the trailer for “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”
9:20 p.m. So many commercials. I haven’t heard about Rebel Wilson’s nether-regions for MINUTES.
9:20 p.m. I’m not convinced that Rebel can change out of her costume in time. Anyway, she has cue cards featuring Channing Tatum’s rear.
9:21 p.m. Presenting Best WTF Moment are Adam Sandler and Chris Rock. Rebel first jokes that her own WTF Moment came when she was passed over for the lead in “Django Unchained.” She says she could have done it because, “I’m really into fat white chicks. Yeah, I’m inside one right now.” Jamie Foxx is amused.
9:22 p.m. This bit between Chris Rock and Adam Sandler, where they discuss their own WTF moments and everything is bleeped out, isn’t funny, but it’s almost certainly funnier than anything in “Grown Ups 2.” Seth Rogen is not amused. Samuel L. Jackson is not amused. The nominees in this category suggest that MTV audiences like projectile vomiting, be it in “Pitch Perfect” or “Flight.” The winner is… Jamie Foxx & Samuel L. Jackson for “Django Unchained.” Anna Camp looks OK with losing, even though she projectile vomited for her art. “I’d like to thank Samuel L. Jackson for being the baddest actor in the whole entire game,” Foxx says. Jackson thanks Tarantino and whatnot and then thanks all of us.
9:28 p.m. If they keep showing trailers for either movies that just won awards or movies that were just plugged by presenters, I’m gonna start doubting the legitimacy of the MTV Movie Awards.
9:30 p.m. “Star Trek” footage. Things don’t look good for the Enterprise.
9:31 p.m. Chris Pine, Zoe Saldana and Zachary Quinto emerge from the rubble. “We’re honored to serve the fans,” Pine says. Quinto says the word “logical.” Because he’s Spock. They’re presenting Best Fight. The winner is… “The Avengers.” Chris Evans and Tom Hiddleston are apparently the only stars available to accept. Oh. Wait. It’s Joss Whedon. Plus, Samuel L. Jackson is there also and he takes the mic and makes sure everybody recognizes Joss. “I’m happy to be Hulk-Smashed any day of the week,” Hiddleston panders. “This was very unexpected,” Whedon says.
9:34 p.m. Eddie Redmayne is presenting the Trailblazer Award to Emma Watson. I have no clue what this award is for, other than pixie-like cuteness. “Perks of Being a Wallflower” was good enough, though, that I’m all for recognizing Watson for whatever. Logan Lerman is also part of the presentation. Apparently they’re also in “Noah” together. I’d forgotten that. Logan suggests it’s her “fearlessness and enthusiasm” that make her a trailblazer. Jonah Hill sent a message. He announces that he and Emma Watson will star together in “50 Shades of Grey.” “I need you to know one thing,” he says. “My safety word is tangerine.” Emma Watson is amused. Seth Rogen isn’t amused.
9:38 p.m. Lots of pervy hooting. Quvenzhané Wallis is counting the years til she gets to be a Trailblazer. Watson reflects on how bad her hair was in the first Harry Potter film, but she appreciates what we’ve supported her through those tough times. Kerry Washington claps politely, perhaps wondering what trails Emma Watson has blazed that she hasn’t. “I was completely the eager beaver in school,” she says, telling kids that it’s important to be the person who puts themselves out there.
9:40 p.m. Emma Watson is an inspiration to us all. Unless you’re older than she is. In which case, give up.
9:46 p.m. Rebel Wilson hasn’t changed. “If you’re wondering why I was only nominated for three of the categories tonight, it’s because I don’t swallow,” she says. Then she introduces a slew of clips from other nominated films in which she appeared but was cut out. Apparently she played “Head Whore” in “Les Miserables.” She wanted to shave her head and sing along and scratch her boob and shave down-under as well. In “Life of Pie,” she originally played Richard Parker. Yes, the tiger. And she did it with an Indian accent. In “Magic Mike she stripped. Of course she did. Her act was to pretend to give birth. Seth Rogen isn’t amused by anything tonight.
9:50 p.m. Amanda Seyfried and Steve Carell are presenting Best Kiss. Naturally. And the winner is… Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper for “Silver Linings Playbook.” Alas, Jennifer Lawrence isn’t there, so Will Tippen has to accept solo. “Jen’s not here. Sorry. But she was great to kiss,” Cooper says.
9:53 p.m. Snoop Lion and somebody I’m assured is Ke$ha are smoking up and introducing Macklemore and Ryan Lewis performing “Can’t Hold Us.” Alright. OK. I feel old.
9:57 p.m. That happened.
10:01 p.m. It seems foolish to expect MTV to have any sort of historical perspective. I understand this. But calling Will Ferrell “the godfather of comedy” just days after Jonathan Winters died… that seems bleak.
10:02 p.m. Rebel Wilson has a stuffed koala named Chlamydia. “She’s a bit of a slut,” Rebel says. She takes Chlamydia, who can see through things, out into the audience to meet Tom Hiddleston and Chris Evans. “My koala sometimes likes to go for the crotch,” she says. Then, after doing a bit about Chris Evans’ pubic hair and ladies undies, she goes to Quvenzhané Wallis, who has a purse full of booze, allegedly. One of the kids from “Moonrise Kingdom” has a beaver in his bad. Wow. That bit went nowhere.
10:05 p.m. Peter Dinklage from a show Rebel calls “Dragons & Titties” is here. Dinklage is presenting the Comedic Genius Award to his “Elf” co-star Will Ferrell. Why doesn’t Peter Dinklage do more voiceover work? Poor Tyrion has some dreadful material that he’s trying to salvage with minimal success.
10:08 p.m. Clips!
10:09 p.m. I can’t tell what’s happening with Will Ferrell’s suit, but I’m distracted by his mustache anyway. Lots of dollar bills, it would appear. “Comedic genius,” he bellows, holding his popcorn bucket over his. “Culver City California! Where the 10 meets the 405,” he yells, revealing my current location. He say he grew up with two dreams: To make people laugh and to wake up each day and dress himself like Dennis Rodman. Aubrey Plaza runs on stage and tries to take away his award. Her chest is pimping “The To-Do List.” Excellent. “For those of you who enjoy what I do, thank you for your support. It means everything to me. For those of you sitting here tonight who don’t think I’m funny, I’ll be happy to fight you in the parking lot after the show,” Ferrell says. Ferrell closes by inviting his family up on the stage. It turns out he has many Asian children. Why is that funny? He has a real wife, incidentally. Her name is Viveca. She’s Swedish. So the whole essence of this bit is that Will Ferrell’s married to an old Asian woman who doesn’t speak English.
10:19 p.m. From a commercial for “6 Fast 6 Furious” in the ad break to a commercial for “6 Fast 6 Furious” in the MTV Movie Awards. Many of the stars of the movie are on-stage, including Michelle Rodriguez, who finished the lollypop she was eating earlier. “Can you believe, Paul, that we were here 11 years ago?” Vincent Diesel inquires. They’re incredulous that they’re still doing this. Paul Walker has no clue what his movie is actually called. They’re presenting Breakthrough Performance. This is an award that Ezra Miller should win. He will not. Instead, the winner is… Rebel Wilson for “Pitch Perfect,” which I’m pretty sure Vin Diesel calls “Picture Perfect.” “Some people say they don’t do it for the awards. I do,” Wilson says. “The only thing that would make this better is if Zac Efrton would take off his shirt right now and come and kiss me,” Rebel says. And guess what? It’s Zac! And Seth Rogen and Danny McBride. Rebel asks Zac to give her an Australian kiss. “It’s like a French kiss, but down under.”
10:24 p.m. “That was not explained well,” says Seth, who isn’t sure how they came to be on-stage with Rebel. What happened to Zac’s hand? They’re presenting Best Shirtless Performance, but first they’re arguing about whether or not “bottomless” is Seth’s best feature. So he takes off his pants and somebody has to cover Quvenzhané Wallis’ eyes. See, Seth Rogen has a lot of pubic hair. Danny McBride, in contrast, is wearing chastity boxers. It turns out Seth had the key to Danny’s chastity lock in his pubes. Oh god. I’m watching this instead of “Mad Men.” The winner is… Taylor Lautner for “Breaking Dawn 2.” It’s a sign of how far the “Twilight” franchise fell this year that nobody’s even mentioned Bella, Edward or Jacob all night. Taylor hits the stage enjoying his beverage. He jokes that he can’t find his speech. He also has a pillow under his shirt. Because he’s fat now. He jokes that it’s because he just turned 21 and he’s been drinking. “For us shirtless actors out there, this, this is like winning the Oscar. This is as high as it gets. This is the Shirtless Oscar,” he says. He also makes a joke about Lena Dunham.
10:30 p.m. “Iron Man 3” sneak peek! I feel so sad about Tony Stark’s house. It’s so awesome and it’s getting so royally screwed up.
10:36 p.m. Quvenzhané Wallis and Chloe Grace Moretz are presenting Best Villains together. They have banter that could have been written for anybody. You have Hit-Girl and The Beast of the Southern Wild and you can’t tailor banter for them? Also, Marion Cotillard was an AWFUL villain in “The Dark Knight Rises.” Geez. Anyway, the winner is Tom Hiddleston for “The Avengers.” I’m OK with that. “I’m am burdened with glorious popcorn,” Hiddleston says. He’d grateful. “I loved this film. I had the best time making it,” he says, thanking us for our American hospitality. He thanks “beautiful badass” Joss Whedon and “brother from another mother” Chris Hemsworth. Lastly, he thanks Liam from One Direction for naming his dog Loki.
10:41 p.m. Kim Kardashian introduces Selena Gomez.
10:43 p.m. I’m not sure how much of this Selena Gomez is actually singing. I’m gonna go with “very little,” but that’s beside the point. Her true purpose is to make me feel OLD. Mission accomplished! Spring BREAK!
10:45 p.m. “Latina” and “Indian” are basically the same thing, right? So there’s nothing vaguely ethnographically problematic about that performance, right? WHEW.
10:46 p.m. The General Zod viral leaked before the show. It’s awesome.
10:49 p.m. Bilbo won some award presenting by a douchy body wash.
10:49 p.m. Rebel Wilson changed outfits. She’s talking about “body image shame.” Because this is a serious issue, part of her top flips down and she has an extra nipple. Sigh.
10:51 p.m. “Scandal” star Kerry Washington is presenting the Generation Award to Jamie Foxx, who she’s been married to twice. More clips. Lots of clips from “Any Given Sunday” and “Ray.” Very few clips from “Stealth” and “Booty Call.”
10:54 p.m. The beloved Jamie Foxx thanks his two sister and his divorced parents. He also attempts to pimp out his 19-year-old daughter, who is single. “It’s been a fantastic ride and I feel like it’s just getting started,” Foxx says. He remembers auditioning for Oliver Stone, who told him he was terrible. He rambles for a while. Why was Emma Watson so much better? Oh, he says that his Syfy anthology series is called “Scenario”?
10:58 p.m. Why did I think this was supposed to end at 11? Am I wrong? I mean, obviously I’m wrong. But this has been going on forever and I don’t know what awards we’ve given out…
11:02 p.m. Because Jennifer Lawrence wasn’t available, he’s Liam Hemsworth, presenting the clip from “Hunger Games: Catching Fire.” Katniss! Peeta! Philip Seymour Hoffman! They’re accentuating the unrest in the Districts. And a kiss! And Oscar Winner Jennifer Lawrence doing some fine emoting. I’m sold.
11:05 p.m. Rebel Wilson is reclining on what she calls “a genuine Hollywood casting couch.” She sniffs it and goes “Yup. Megan Fox.” Ew.
11:06 p.m. Ashley Rickards and Tyler Posey are stars of MTV shows, so they get banter. They don’t get good banter. But they soldier along. They’re presenting Musical Moment. Tyler Posey is wired. It’s scary. The winner is… “Pitch Perfect,” giving Rebel Wilson her second win of the night and also giving us the chance to see Anna Camp, who even gets to accept first. They bring director Jason Moore to the stage. Just cuz.
11:09 p.m. They swear Brad Pitt is coming up to announce Movie of the Year.
11:12 p.m. “World War Z”… coming this summer. Brad Pitt… coming now.
11:13 p.m. He must have had a “no-banter” clause in his contract. He just lists the Best Movie nominees and the winner is “The Avengers.” It’s been a fine night for Tom Hiddleston and Samuel Jackson and for Joss Whedon as well. “We are humbled to be standing here… No, we’re not humbled. We won. We… what’s the opposite of humbled? We’re Biebered to be standing here,” Whedon says. Burn. How could they not have cut to Selena in the crowd? Or is she still cleaning the Indian makeup off? Whedon thanks anybody and everybody available. “This is the award that means the most to me,” Whedon insists.. He teases “Avengers 2” in 2015. And… He gets cut off by Rebel Wilson in her Iron Mangina suit. “If you enjoyed the show, I’ve been Rebel Wilson. If you haven’t, I’ve been Jonah Hill in a wig,” she says.
11:18 p.m. According to my esteemed colleague Kris Tapely, we didn’t see Female Performance and some other category because they were both won by the absent Jennifer Lawrence. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
So… That happened! Thoughts?