Welcome to the 71st Golden Globe Awards live-blog!
Wait. That sounds wrong. This is probably only my third or fourth Golden Globe live-blog.
At HitFix, we’ve already made our full predictions. I did the TV guesses and they’re all pretty ludicrous. That’s why we like the Globes. Anything can happen. Thanks, alcohol!
Follow along for all of the excitement. And sound off in the comments. I’ll chatter down there as well.
Click through and brace for The Poehler Vortex.
7:58 p.m. ET. Why am I doing the time stamps in Eastern Time? No clue. I just am. As Taylor from “Kid Nation” would say… Deal with it.
7:59 p.m. No event celebrates its drunken foolishness quite like the Golden Globes. So let’s go!
8:00 p.m. Tina and Amy! Tina and Amy! Tina looks stunning in maroon. Amy looks terrific in blue or green or both? “Welcome to the 71st Annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards,” Tina begins. Jimmy Fallon approves. Amy greets the room “and all the women and gay men watching at home.” “This is Hollyood and if something kinda works, they’ll just keep doing it tell everyone hates it,” Tina says. Amy mispronounces Tom Hanks’ name as a joke. They boast at tonight’s starpower. They make a star pyramid that goes Mr. Bean, followed by June Squibb and Robert Redford.
8:03 p.m. Matt Damon joke! Normally a big deal. “Tonight, but don’t take this the wrong way, you’re basically a garbage person,” Amy tells him. Tina notes that Meryl Streep’s work in “August: Osage County” was great. “Proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over 60.” Tina says “Explosion at the Wig Factory” was the original name for “American Hustle.” They say that Amy Poehler is in the audience and cut to Jennifer Lawrence. “It is hard to believe that she’s a 40-year-old mother of two,” Poehler says. They chide Julia Louis-Dreyfus sitting in the “Film section,” where she’s smoking ecigarettes and resisting selfies with Reese Witherspoon.
8:06 p.m. Woody Allen joke. Meh. Ah, “Gravity.” “It’s the story about how George Clooney would rather float off into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age,” Tina says. The crowd loves that one. Leaf Phoenix likes a good Leaf Phoenix joke. Amy pretends she was the voice in “Her.” Meh. Matthew McConaughey! They praise him for losing 45 pounds for his movie. “Or what actresses call ‘being in a movie,'” Tina says. Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie! “If I want to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties,” Amy says, before they begin a series of jokes about prosthetic penises, including the one Tom Hanks is wearing now. Tom Hanks looks confused.
8:08 p.m. Can we make “12 Years a Slave” jokes? “I can honestly say that after seeing that film, I will never look at slavery the same way again,” Amy says. “Wait. How were you looking at it?” Tina wonders. Netflix/Snapchat joke. Kerry Washington is pregnant. “Oh my God! Is it President Fitz’s?” Amy asks. “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College,” Amy says. “The Blacklist is who’s invited to my room tonight. I’m talking to you, Somali pirates,” Tina leers.
8:10 p.m. Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks are presenting Best Supporting Actresses in a Movie. The winner is… Jennifer Lawrence for “American Hustle.” I’m sure that proves something about being lovely and adorable and having insane screen presence and a weird accent! She begins with a shout-out to David O. Russell and “I Heart Huckabees.” That was very gracious and polished of her. “I actually did watch all the movies… well… not all of them,” J-Law says, praising the other nominees. “I’m sorry I’m shaking so much!” Don’t ever do this again!” she closes, adorably.
8:13 p.m. Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis are presenting Supporting Actress in Everything TV. I predicted Janet McTeer for absolutely no reason. My own preference would be Monica Potter. The winner is Jacqueline Bisset for “Dancing on the Edge.” Because the Golden Globes are WEIRD. Given that we know this, I should have predicted that, as should the Globe organizers who seated Bisset off in Brentwood somewhere. It’s a long, long, long walk. She’s extremely emotional. Or possibly just out of breath. It was a long walk. Bisset was nominated 47 years ago for Promising Newcomer. Jon Voight is very pleased. She’s very emotional. “Scottish background to the front!” she announces. “We had a good cast, didn’t we?” she says to Chewitel Ejiofor. She thanks Starz and her agents before the music starts playing. Bisset’s having none of it, talking through the music and telling a profane story about her mother. “If you want to look good, you have to forgive everybody. It’s the best beauty treatment,” she continues. Well. I guess that’s why we watch the Golden Globes? Because… crazy? And you did NOT have Jacqueline Bisset in your “First Crazy Golden Globes Moment” pool.
8:22 p.m. Naomi Watts hits the stage. They don’t mention “Diana.” They’re so kind. She’s lovely. And Mark Ruffalo is there, too. They’re presenting Best Miniseries or TV Movie. I predicted “Behind the Candelabra.” I’d probably have voted for “Top of the Lake.” The winner… “Behind the Candelabra.” That was not surprising, but at least I got one right after not guessing Bisset. Couldn’t they have sat them on the main floor? Everybody knew they were winning everything. There’s already too much walking in this telecast. If I wanted to watch people strolling, I’d watch the Cary Grant classic “Walk Don’t Run.” Yes. I’m making you google that. It’s a real movie.
8:25 p.m. Best Actress in a TV Movie was a bit tougher. I predicted Elisabeth Moss, but it’s a tough category. The winner is… Elisabeth Moss for “Top of the Lake.” Yay! The Edge is very pleased. I’m not sure why The Edge cares. But he does! More walking. Walking. Walking. “Holy bleep,” Moss says. “I’m totally shaking like Jennifer Lawrence said,” Moss says. I hope she thanks Jon Hamm. That, by the way, is a great dress. They play her off, though she keeps thanking her mom and her brother.
8:28 p.m. Matt Damon’s up. “It’s me. The garbage man,” he says. “The garbage man who didn’t bring his glasses. Fantastic.” Fortunately, he’s just introducing buddy Paul Greengrass’ “Captain Phillips.” “He really is a national treasure,” he says of Tom Hanks.
8:34 p.m. So for all of that talk about 50 costume changes, Amy and Tiny are wearing the same dresses. As Key & Peele can tell you, long lists of funny names are funny. Sorry, I can’t give you all of the funny names, other than Jeremy Watson Stewart from “Das Tits.”
8:35 p.m. It’s the president of the HFPA, or as Gwyneth Paltrow calls it, “Time to open bottled watter.”
8:36 p.m. Margot Robbie for President. “I’m not gonna lie to you, right now they put up the wrong stuff on the teleprompter,” Jonah Hill says. Robbie doesn’t want to improvise, so they bring them a yellow piece of paper. They’re introducing “Wolf of Wall Street.” And now they’re gone. This is so sad.
8:37 p.m. The misplaced screen text was for Aaron Eckhart and Paula Patton, who are up now. They’re presenting Best Actor in a Drama, because the Golden Globes don’t think important TV awards are important. I predicted Liev Schreiber, because I’m a crazy man. I’m rooting for Bryan Cranston, however. The winner is… Bryan Cranston. That’s what I get for predicting based on craziness. This is his first Golden Globe win. Even he has a long walk. From now on, if winners drop below a certain speed, they get shot. Richard Bachman reference! Cranston thinks this will allow everyone around the world to share in the show’s “mirth and merriment.” He thanks Vince Gilligan and the cast and all of that good stuff. He calls AMC “courageous.”
8:41 p.m. Wow. Best TV Series Drama 41 minutes in. I hate you too, Golden Globes. The winner is… “Breaking Bad.” As it should be. It takes forever for everybody to get to the stage. Two producers are shot. Vince Gilligan thanks everybody. Gilligan is happy to have one last chance to thank the fans, particularly highlighting “the early adopters.” He brings Aaron Paul up for the last word. “Yeah bitch! Thank you!”
8:45 p.m. I’m only 2-for-4 on TV predictions. I’m probably not winning the TCA Golden Globes pool, especially since Cranston was an easy one and I got fancy.
8:48 p.m. Steve Coogan is paired with the real-life “Philomena.” I’m not sure I’d even noticed that “Philomena” was nominated for Best Picture. But now I have. It’s the only film nominated for anything that I haven’t seen. Now I feel bad. Not very bad. I mean… I’m busy. I have a ton of bad TV to watch.
8:49 p.m. Kate Beckinsale , Sean Combs and Usher make for a busy presenting group. They’re presenting Best Score. Honestly, I’d give “All Is Lost” nearly everything, especially since it’s been so woefully neglected. The actual winner? Alex Ebert for “All Is Lost”! Wow. And YAY! Team “All Is Lost,” baby! “He was on a boat with me partying in St. Barts,” Puffy says, very amused by this turn of events. “Even the most deft pen is a clumsy tool and yet we still try for magic. Thanks for letting me try all over your movie,” he tells the director, awesomely.
8:52 p.m. P-Diddy is very drunk. “Everybody just keep drinking. It’ll be over soon,” he slurs before introducing Original Song. Bono whistles for himself. I would love, love, love, love “Please Mr. Kennedy” to win. I doubt it has a chance. The winner is…U2 for “Ordinary Love.” That was easy to predict. Honestly, when even Bono has a long walk to the stage, you’re seating people wrong. Everybody has to hug Idris Elba. “Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow,” Puffy sings, upstaging the winners before Kate Beckinsale steers him off. U2 and Mandela go way back, of course. “This really is personal for us, very very personal,” Bono says of “a man who refused to hate.” “We wrote a love song because it’s kinda what’s extraordinary about the film,” Bono says, urging people to see the film.
8:56 p.m. All future winners should also hug Idris Elba. Because… why not?
9:02 p.m. Taylor Kinney and Jesse Spencer are on an NBC show. Amber Heard was on an NBC show. America was not ready for “Playboy Club.” Anyway… They’re presenting Supporting Actor in Everything TV. One of them doesn’t know the word “Candelabra.” Anyway… The winner is… Jon Voight for “Ray Donovan,” which was one of my “upset” picks, even though it was a breeze. He also wins the Globe for Jauntiest Scarf. “I’m truly humble to be among my talented peers,” Voight says. If you wanted crazy from Jon Voight, you’re probably disappointed. “I’m as nervous as everybody else!” he says in the midst of a fine earnest listing of the appropriate people.
9:05 p.m. Olivia Wilde is rocking pregnancy and emerald. Have you seen “Drinking Buddies”? You should. Have you seen “Her”? You should. She’s presenting a clip from the latter.
9:06 p.m. Robert Downey Jr. is up. Because Rickey Gervais isn’t hosting, he’s happy. He says that no matter who wins tonight in the Least Actress Comedy, he wins. His speech is fantastic. It’s absolutely the night’s highlight so far. “Let’s see how this plays out for me,” says The Night’s Winner Robert Downey Jr. I’d vote for Greta Gerwig, but I’m not expecting her to win. The winner is… Amy Adams for “American Hustle.” I hope she thanks her two-sided tape. “I always cry when I’m not supposed to and then when a direct asks me to I can’t cry,” Amy says. Jennifer Lawrence is so happy for her co-star. I can’t tell if Greta Gerwig is happy or holding back tears. This is the 15th anniversary of when Amy moved to LA. Are we going to get a shout-out to “Manchester Prep”? Nope. “You can not play me out of talking to my daughter!” she says, thanking her daughter for teaching her to accept joy and let go of fear. Awww.
9:14 p.m. Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon are proud parents to Ms. Golden Globes. Awww. “And, in the name of gender equality this year, please welcome my adult son from a previous relationship, Randy,” Tina says. Amy Poehler comes out in a tux. “God, I hate being up here!” Randy says. “Do you want to go live with your father?” “I can’t. You won’t tell me who he is!” Randy goes into the crowd. To Idris Elba. “Mom. Is it him?” Idris is amused. Good bit.
9:17 p.m. Kevin and Kyra are presenting the Tatiana Maslany Award for Lead Actress in a TV Drama. You know who I wanna see win. And the winner is… Robin Wright for “House of Cards.” Ugh. She at least sprints to the stage. “Completely unexpected. I have no speech,” Robin says, giving a shout-out to Merritt Wever’s Emmys speech. She calls the HFPA “a gaggle of characters.” She does not, however, thank Ben Foster.
9:19 p.m. Jim Carrey’s up. “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia Labeouf who said that. So young. So wise,” he says. Zing. For whatever reason, he’s presenting the clip from “American Hustle.”
9:21 p.m. Christophe Waltz, with a moo-stach is presenting Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. I’d vote for Fassbender, probably. Maybe? Dunno. Lots of good acting here. The winner is… Jared Leto for “Dallas Buyer’s Club.” I can accept that. He was damn good. I like the way he leans. “That tiny little Brazilian bubble butt was all mine,” he says. He goes into depth on his waxing procedure. He talks about the six years he took off. “I never expected it. I never even dreamed of it,” he says. He thanks the Rayons of the world for their inspiration.
9:25 p.m. Given Claire Danes’ domination of the Golden Globes in recent years, how sad is it that Jared Leto wins in the one year she wasn’t even nominated.
9:28 p.m. Emma Thompson has a drink in one hand and her shoes in the other. “This red? It’s my blood,” she says, destroying stock for Lubis. She’s marvelously slurring her way along to present Best Screenplay. The winner is… Spike Jonze for “Her.” Nice. That’s actually awesome. “I’m a terrible public speaker and I’m bad at speaking English and it’s the only language I know, so bear with me,” he says. Jonze thanks David O. Russell for giving him notes. He ignores the playing music and thanks everybody and refuses to leave the stage without hugging Emma Thompson.
9:31 p.m. Aww. Nice. Laura Dern is introducing “Nebraska,” from her “Citizen Ruth” director and starring her dad.
9:33 p.m. Julie Bowen and Seth Meyers are paired. “We have a combined zero Golden Globe nominations,” Julie says. “We get how this works and we are ready to play ball, Seth says. “Whatever it takes. You can do stuff to us. We can do stuff to you,” Bowen says. They’re presenting Best Actor in a TV Comedy. I predicted Michael J. Fox because Michael J. Fox. The winner is… Andy Samberg for “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” Wow. That’s a pretty big boost for a show that is apparently a HFPA favorite. Andy is perplexed. “Oh no! I didn’t prepare anything. It wasn’t gonna happen!” he says. Indeed, he has nothing prepared. So he goes through the normal people you thank for these things, but does it in a funny way.
9:37 p.m. Yeah. I’m REALLY not winning the TCA Golden Globes pool. I suck. You really shouldn’t trust me on these things.
9:41 p.m. Orlando Bloom and Zoe Saldana are presenting Foreign Language Film. The winner… “The Great Beauty.” I have not seen this Paolo Sorrentino joint. “Thank you for Italy, that’s a crazy country, but beautiful,” the accepter said.
9:43 p.m. “Well well well. See who slithered back to the TV section,” Tina says, finding Julia Louis-Dreyfus in the TV section eating a hotdog.
9:43 p.m. Melissa McCarthy and Jimmy Fallon are presenting. The gag is that Melissa was hit on the head with a sandbag and now she thinks she’s Matt Damon. I’m really not sure what’s happening. They’re presenting Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries. I just don’t get the Matt Damon thing, especially given that he’s about to lose this Golden Globe to Michael Douglas. The winner is… Michael Douglas for “Behind the Candelabra.” Yeah. That wasn’t hard. No, announcer, he did not win for his performance in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Douglas begins by remembering a conversation with Steven Soderbergh on “Traffic.” He says he has to acknowledge two people. He calls Matt Damon “the bravest talented actor” and says the only reason Damon isn’t here is because he had more sequins. The other, of course, is Soderbergh, who does everything.
9:52 p.m. Chris Pine has a movie coming out this week and Emma Watson is HERMIONE! They’re presenting Best Animated Feature. Watson says half a line and the announcer reads the nominees. Wow. That was not a “bit” or anything. Did they cut the bit at the last second? The winner is “Frozen.” But couldn’t they have used Emma Watson better?
9:54 p.m. Colin Farrell is presenting the clip from “Inside Llewyn Davis” because… whatever.
9:55 p.m. Chris O’Donnell and The Mother of Dragons are presenting Best Actress in a TV Comedy. Bono is massaging Amy Poehler. The winner is… Amy Poehler. YAY! She makes out with Bono. This is Amy Poehler’s first win for ANYTHING. “I’ve never won anything like this!” she says aptly. She thanks many people. She thanks her children, who are her AA batteries. “I never win, so I can’t believe I won,” she gushes.
9:59 p.m. That was a very nice “Thank you” from the HFPA to Amy Poehler. Yes, she deserved it. But she’s deserved it five or six times. But she’d never hosted two straight years previously. Now she knows what it’ll take to get an Emmy.
10:02 p.m. “I just want to say congratulation again for my friend Amy Poehler. I love you and there’s a special place in hell for you,” Tina tells the still-giddy Amy.
10:02 p.m. Emma Stone introducing Woody Allen. Oh. Surely she’s introducing somebody else for the real introduction? I know she worked on Woody’s newest film, but still… Or is the point that since Woody couldn’t bother to come, they couldn’t be bothered to find somebody of appropriate stature to give him his award? Whew. Here’s Diane Keaton to accept for him. Apparently 179 actresses have appeared in Woody movies? Julia Roberts is getting many cutaways. Was that Taylor Hackford cutaway intentional or was Helen Mirren in the loo? Keaton’s quoting Allen a lot, but I can’t tell if this whole thing is a Woody impression. Diane Wiest! Mariel Hemingway! She closes by singing “Make New Friends.” Is that a Woody reference that I’m not getting?
10:15 p.m. I’m beginning to wear down.
10:15 p.m. LIAM NEESONS! He’s presenting the clip from “Gravity” because… umm… Liam Neesons is my s***?
10:16 p.m. Argo f*** yourself. Hmmm. Why is this getting so blue?
10:17 p.m. Ben Affleck is presenting Best Director. The winner is… Alfonso Cuaron for “Gravity.” If NBC doesn’t have a “Believe” trailer synched up for the next ad break, EVERYBODY should be fired. “Sandra, you are the most amazing collaborator,” Cuaron says. “I want to thank you for not quitting when you thought that I told you, ‘Sandra, I’m going to give you herpes,’ when I really meant to say, ‘Sandra, I’m going to give you an earpiece.’ It’s a true story,” he says.
10:20 p.m. “Michael Bay described our next presenters as… ummm… Sorry. I can’t do this. So please welcome Chris Evans and Uma Thurman,” Fey says. That could have been funnier. Evans and Thurman are, naturally, presenting Best Comedy TV Series. The winner is… “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” Ummm… Sorry, y’all that’s just stupid. And I like “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” I like it a lot at times. However, I’m beyond happy for Mike Schur, who’s a Red Sox fan and a friend of Firewall & Iceberg. But this is a very nice boost for “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” I think “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” has a lot of potential and this should encourage FOX to to support the show even more, which is always nice. Dan Goor says he made the right choice not going to med school. “This is way better than saving a human life.”
10:25 p.m. “Believe” ad!
10:26 p.m. Jennifer Lawrence is presenting Best Actor. in a Comedy. The winner is… Leonardo DiCaprio for “Wolf of Wall Street.” Awesome. That’s so fully deserved. He was spectacular in that movie. And also… Margot Robbie’s happy. DiCaprio is incredibly gracious to his colleagues and tells people to check out Bruce Dern’s filmography. He thanks Jordan Belfort for making the story possible.
10:29 p.m. Reese Witherspoon is up now presenting the clip for “12 Years a Slave.” I’m not sure why.
10:35 p.m. Niki Lauda! Wow. Chris Hemsworth and the Formula 1 champ are presenting the clip from “Rush.” That’s awesome.
10:37 p.m. Drew Barrymore, wearing the muumuuedest muumuu that ever muumuued, is presenting Best Motion picture comedy. The winner is… “American Hustle.” Charles Roven accepts. He’s happy he got to make a film about people. David Russell’s somewhere in the back. He gets credit, as do all of the actors whose names are on the poster.
10:45 p.m. Tina Fey with the line of the night: “Now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s now all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” Leo begins by thanking Margot Robbie. And the rest of his cast. He’s presenting Best Actress in a Drama. And it goes to Cate Blanchett for “Blue Jasmine.” She’s been unbeatable for the Oscar for roughly five months. So… woo! “That crept up. I had a few vodkas under my belt and here we are,” she says, praising her whole table, the Woody table. And she went to the Magic Castle this morning! Cate Blanchett is awesome. “People like me are in his slipstream picking up these heavy things that make your biceps look great,” she says, raving about Woody Allen. “Can people at home hear this music? Or do they suddenly think you’re getting this fast because you’re having a panic attack?” Cate says. She wins.
10:49 p.m. Jessica Chastain also wins, by virtue of being Jessica Chastain. She’s presenting Best Actor in a Drama. It should be Robert Redford. It won’t be. Instead, the winner is… Matthew McConaughey for “Dallas Buyer’s Club.” Not gonna be mad at this one. He’s great. And he’s great in “True Detective,” which he’s gonna win a Globe for next year. Set that sucker in stone. “Alright, alright, alright,” he begins. “Unexpected, but graciously accepted,” he says. “I’m so glad it got passed on so many times. Really glad it got passed on, or it wouldn’t have gotten to me,” he says. He tells a great story about how his mother wouldn’t let him watch TV, how she insisted that she do things, rather than watching things. “This film was never about dying. It was always about living. With that I say, ‘Just keep…'” he closes.
10:55 p.m. Johnny Depp is out to present Best Picture Drama. The winner is… “12 Years a Slave.” That saves an otherwise dismal night for the preemptive favorite. And, obviously, saves it in a huge way. “Little bit shocked. Roll Jordan, Roll,” he says, thanking his wife for finding the book. He thanks his cast, but it’s quite the compliment that he calls Sarah Paulson “The Betty Davis of America.” McQueen is having a hard time remembering people and The Betty Davis of America has to help him remember such people as, you know, the screenwriter. He does, however, remember Brad Pitt at the end.
10:59 p.m. “This was the beautiful mess that we hoped it would be,” Fey says. “And I got to make out with Bono,” Poehler adds.
That’s all, folks! Thanks for following along.