I’m going to level with you folks about something: I think Courtney Stodden is an absolute treasure. She’s the personification of American pop culture taken to its logical extreme, and I feel like a national flag with her image on it would not be an outrageous statement to make at all. Maybe Court could replace the bear on the California flag? At the very least, her face should be on money — an 18-dollar bill, why not?
Anyway, Courtney totally left her house yesterday and ended up hanging on the corner outside of Pink’s hot dog stand in a bikini made from lettuce, promoting fake meat products on behalf of PETA. Pink’s concocted a special meat-free wiener for the occasion, which Courtney and her 53-year-old husband Doug Hutchison handed out to curious pedestrians. The whole thing has led to a wonderful visual assault, and naturally, I have me some questions.
1. Was PETA’s intention to compare Courtney’s fake breasts to the fake meat inside the Pink’s hot dogs? Was that the in-joke with this whole campaign? Or was Miss Stodden simply the first celebrity who came to mind when the ethical-animal folks were considering candidates who’d be willing to stand on a street corner in broad daylight wearing nothing but produce?
2. As a follow up to #1, was the inclusion of the middle-aged Doug Hutchison in the fake-wiener taste test a nod to his sexual capabilities or lack thereof? Is everything in the world just one giant boner joke and how can a person opt out of that?
3. Is the lettuce real??
4. Is this an appropriate costume for me to wear next Halloween, and if so, would it require me to incorporate a blonde wig?
5. Um, er, ahem…………… yeast infection, you guys?
Godspeed, Courtney. And maybe next time you can wear some rhubarb.