The set-up here is that a very stubborn but obviously culinarily ambitious woman in Iowa made the decision that any rhubarb that spilled past the fence of a stranger’s property and out towards the street could be declared “alley rhubarb,” and was therefore up for grabs. But the property owners disagreed, maintaining that despite having grown out past their fence, the rhubarb was, in fact, still “house rhubarb,” and therefore belonged only to them. What results is 4 amazing minutes of rhubarb-related battle replete with shouting, spewed insults and attempted assault. And in the aftermath of the video, 5 burning questions still remain for your so-very fascinated author.
1. What kind of thing lives inside this woman, possessing her and making her behave as though she’s scavenging for food in the middle of the zombie apocalypse while 7 hungry mouths suckle at her bosom? What demonic hellbeast so craves rhubarb that it would choose as its host an elderly Iowan with poor eyesight and Marge Simpson-attacked-by-a-panini-press hair?
2. How might one exorcise said demon? Is it something Lafayette from “True Blood” could do, or would the woman require some kind of expert from truTV?
3. Which of these quotes should I have engraved on my tombstone?
- a) “You Pinnochio-fucking-nose, go mind your own business.”
- b) “Don’t call me sweetheart, honeybuns — what are you, a fucking lezzie?”
- c) “Go back inside and have some coffee, you’re drunk as a skunk.”
4. Is the rhubarb technically alley rhubarb or is it still private property rhubarb? Will there be a local Council meeting to address the situation and how might a curious blogger in Los Angeles remain apprised of the outcome?
5. Um… what is rhubarb, exactly? Like… a vegetable that goes in pie? I am on the right track here, at least, yes?