7 hilarious things about John Cusack and Jackie Chan’s awful ‘Dragon Blade’ trailer

12.29.14 3 years ago

Golden Network Asia

John Cusack, Adrien Brody and Jackie Chan are in a new movie together – and if that sentence alone isn't enough to make you run out and see it, the film's first (international) trailer will definitely provide an incentive. Actually, I'm just kidding. This looks hideous!

It seems impossible now, but all three of these actors were movie stars once. Adrien even won an Oscar, remember? He kissed Halle Berry in front of millions! 2003 was a good year. Now Halle is on network television and Adrien is regularly making movies that no one sees. A poison liplock, that's what it was. The price of hubris!

Fast-forward ten years. “Dragon Blade.” This is definitely not going to be good, probably. Here are seven unintentionally hilarious things about our first look at the surefire debacle.

1. It's called “Dragon Blade.”

Even as I understand intellectually that this is a historical epic and not a “Street Fighter” sequel, I am baffled by the absence of Chun Li. Or Chris Klein, for that matter.

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

2. Look at this backdrop.

I mean, just look at it. They are literally sitting in front of a landscape painting.

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

3. John Cusack plays a Roman general.

Donning a hairpiece and gold-plated armor does not a believable Roman general make. Though to be fair, I barely even buy John Cusack as a modern-day human being anymore.

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

4. The accents. The dialogue. Anything and everything spoken.

“His crime! Is that he took the place in your hearts that belonged to me” is an actual sentence written by an actual screenwriter. Did I mention that Adrien Brody won an Oscar?

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

5. Those credits.

A couple of observations:

a) Adrien Brody is just “Brody” now and that's all there is to it.

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

b) The “Chopsticks Brothers” just got off their shift at Manchu Wok.

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

6. This slo-mo shot of John Cusack.

Still can't figure out if that child is screaming over the war or having nightmares about the state of John's acting career.

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

7. Ah, nevermind. It is a “Street Fighter” sequel.

Trailer for Dragon Blade starring Adrien Brody John Cusack and Jackie Chan

“Dragon Blade,” which cost $65 million to produce, is not slated for release in the U.S.

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