Is the new “Ouija” trailer feeling a little…familiar? Formulaic? Uninspired? I hear you. This movie looks like it was cobbled together by a focus group specializing in “What Millenials Want! LOLZ OMG Facebook Sexxxting!” To demonstrate what I mean, below are seven of the most heinous cliches from the new spot (embedded above).
1. Actors who look at least five years too old to be in high school
Where have we seen this before? Hmm, try every teenage horror movie ever made. Actually, lead actress Olivia “Final Girl” Cooke is only 20 years old, but the majority of her “classmates” look like they should get arrested for being within 30 feet of a locker.
2. Out-of-touch suburban setting
As someone who actually grew up in the hinterlands, I feel qualified to say this: not everyone in suburbia lives in a fabulous three-story Victorian mini-mansion.
3. Wise old psychic woman
I actually thought co-star Vivis Colombetti was Carrie Fisher for two seconds and almost had a heart attack. Thank god I was wrong: she only kinda looks like Carrie Fisher. But still, poor Vivis, who seems to have been typecast as “superstitious old Latina lady” for all time. (See: “Paranormal Activity 2”).
4. Spooky old-timey photos
Hey, I know how we can get teenagers to see our horror movie! Let's scare them with black and white!
5. Creepy doll
If you don't have this in your horror movie, you are shamefully original and hereby banished from Hollywood. Enjoy your life as a nobody.
6. “From the producer of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
Because of course. Of course it is.
7. Trailer-ending “screaming ghost” jump scare
You saw it coming. I know you did.
“Ouija” hits theaters on October 24.