7 Most Mind-Numbingly Generic Things About The First ‘Ouija’ Trailer

07.16.14 3 years ago

Is the new “Ouija” trailer feeling a little…familiar? Formulaic? Uninspired? I hear you. This movie looks like it was cobbled together by a focus group specializing in “What Millenials Want! LOLZ OMG Facebook Sexxxting!” To demonstrate what I mean, below are seven of the most heinous cliches from the new spot (embedded above).

1. Actors who look at least five years too old to be in high school

The official trailer for Ouija

Where have we seen this before? Hmm, try every teenage horror movie ever made. Actually, lead actress Olivia “Final Girl” Cooke is only 20 years old, but the majority of her “classmates” look like they should get arrested for being within 30 feet of a locker.

2. Out-of-touch suburban setting

The official trailer for Ouija

As someone who actually grew up in the hinterlands, I feel qualified to say this: not everyone in suburbia lives in a fabulous three-story Victorian mini-mansion.

3. Wise old psychic woman

The official trailer for Ouija

I actually thought co-star Vivis Colombetti was Carrie Fisher for two seconds and almost had a heart attack. Thank god I was wrong: she only kinda looks like Carrie Fisher. But still, poor Vivis, who seems to have been typecast as “superstitious old Latina lady” for all time. (See: “Paranormal Activity 2”).

4. Spooky old-timey photos

The official trailer for Ouija

Hey, I know how we can get teenagers to see our horror movie! Let's scare them with black and white!

5. Creepy doll

The official trailer for Ouija

If you don't have this in your horror movie, you are shamefully original and hereby banished from Hollywood. Enjoy your life as a nobody.

6. “From the producer of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”

The official trailer for Ouija

Because of course. Of course it is.

7. Trailer-ending “screaming ghost” jump scare

The official trailer for Ouija

You saw it coming. I know you did.

“Ouija” hits theaters on October 24.

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