8 questionable life lessons ‘Jurassic Park’ didn’t mean to teach us

05.24.15 2 years ago

It has been 22 years since “Jurassic Park” captured the imagination of a generation. In that time, it has been absorbed into pop culture via quotes such as “Hold on to your butts” and an irrational love of carnivorous pack predators that would just as soon eat your intestines as look at you.

But while the important takeaway from the movie is obviously that Jeff Goldblum should always languish shirtless in every film – and that bringing species back to life that have been extinct for millions of years is a terrible idea – “Jurassic World” is full of other lessons…if you know where to look for them.

Lessons like…

#1. It”s okay to threaten obnoxious children with dinosaur fossils.

There are two types of children in the world: those who love paleontology and those who are wrong. “Jurassic Park” wastes no time in letting the audience know how it feel about the latter. Dr. Alan Grant isn”t going to let some obnoxious brat diss Velociraptors and get away with it. No. He”s going to traumatized that little putz for life, as well he should. If you ever see a kid that says dinosaurs look like chickens, be sure to lunge at them with a fossilized claw-knife.

#2. Playing God will result in the death of your enemies.

Should John Hammond have funneled millions of dollars into creating a theme park where the exhibits can kill you when they break down? Based on the kill ratio…absolutely. Who was really hurt by Hammond”s desire to meddle where man dare not? Most of the employees escaped “Jurassic Park” by boat early on in the movie. Think about it. Of those who became dino chow, three of them were impediments to the park. Dennis Nedry was gonna ruin everything by selling trade secrets, the lawyer was gonna shut it all down, and Muldoon was just a jerk. The only person who didn”t deserve to die was Samuel L. Jackson. Basically, if you screw with evolution, it will repay you by killing mostly people you wanted dead anyway. Win/win if you ask me.

#3. It is time to welcome our Velociraptors overlords.

Oh man, remember in “Signs” when the aliens are thwarted by door handles? Velociraptors have that technology on lockdown. They also are much better at communication between team members and would most definitely not follow their prey into an environment that was 70% toxic to them. Forget alien invasions, we should really fear a resurgence of Clever Girls. The only thing standing between them and total world domination is the half an hour it”ll take them to figure out boat controls.

#4. Nobody cares.

Do you want to make a clandestine deal involving highly sensitive materials and copious amounts of money? Exactly zero people will care. Stop acting cagey and just close the deal.

#5. Always have leftovers you can mix with another meal to make it more filling .

Have you ever wondered how John Arnold”s disembodied arm ended up at precisely shoulder height, waiting for Dr. Ellie Sattler to stumble upon it? Obviously the Velociraptors laid out an elaborate trap. That Clever Girl wasn”t merely trying to eat Ellie; she was toying with her prey, leading her into a corner where Arnold”s arm would terrify the human female and release another round of delicious adrenaline-terror to flavor the her flesh.

#6. Splicing animals with genderfluid frog DNA would render the endangered species list obsolete.

If Mr. DNA taught us anything, it”s that genetics is a fairly simple and straight-forward process. Reconfiguring the genome of several extinct species is as easy as drag-and-dropping amphibian DNA into the missing sections. Since the dinosaurs were clearly able to adapt to their matriarchal society by spontaneously developing penises, the logical conclusion is to graft the same genetic material into any critically endangered species on Earth, sit back, and watch the propagation begin. After all, if you can”t trust animated strains of DNA to teach a solid grasp of science, who can you trust?

#7. Humans and dinosaurs cannot communicate airborne diseases between them.

Much like if your cat or dog sneezes on you, being covered in Brachiosaurus snot will have no ill effects on humans. Despite having more in common with birds than reptiles, it appears Dino-Avian flu is not a concern at this time. However, death by accidental stomping, purposeful eating, or startled acid spit remain highly probable.

#8. Tyrannosaurus rex can teleport.

This explains how the T-Rex was able to get into the visitor center in time to save the tasty treats (humans) from being removed from the proverbial fridge by the Clever Girls after the T-Rex had CLEARLY marked them with her name. Get your own snacks!

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