So, after last week’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” it seemed that this season of the show was pretty much a gory mess of disappointment and dead roses. Brooks, one of my favorites to win the whole kit and kaboodle (glad I didn’t put money on it!) dumped Des like a load of moldy laundry. It was the kind of teary, agonizing break-up that made me want to buy Des a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. If you didn’t see it, it was bad with a capital B, and, while plenty of people have been dumped in exactly the same way, most of them didn’t have camera crews around to record every single, hideous moment. At least we learned Des’ false eyelashes are really, really well secured. I see sponsorship possibilities!
Anyway, viewers now have lots and lots of questions about what Des will do — pick a leftover guy? Cry and throw stuff at Chris Harrison’s head? — and, of course, rumors have been firing up the Internet about what might have actually occurred. On my podcast with Melinda Newman, she suggested that Brooks may actually change his mind and come back to Des to propose and live happily ever after (for, you know, three weeks or until they can arrange an Us Weekly cover”). I can’t rule it out, but man, I’d have to question why Des would take Brooks back if he’s going to be this wishy washy. Of course, we still don’t know what’s going to happen to the two leftover guys, Chris and Drew. Even if she did pick one of them, you pretty much know either relationship is plain old doomed the minute they turn on their DVRs to watch Des turn into a gooey puddle every time Brooks walks into the room.
Because there’s no way to know what’s ahead, I thought I’d live blog the craziness. Follow along if you dare!
8:00 p.m. ET WHAT WILL DESIREE DO? Can she still find the love and happiness she deserves? Um, I’m just going to say, not on this show.
8:02 p.m. Shocking LIVE conclusion, people! So, maybe there will be a public shaming/flogging of Brooks.
8:05 p.m. Here’s Chris Harrison to talk to Des about her feelings. Chris tries to sell Des on her leftover guys. She likes Chris and Drew, but, you know, they’re not Brooks. There is going to be more dumping! Wait, she doesn’t know what she’s going to do? Um, pull off the Band-Aid, Des.
8:14 p.m. Time for a gloomy rose ceremony! Don’t Drew and Chris look cute in their suits? Poor ducks.
8:15 p.m. Chris Harrison does the set up to Des’ punch. Brooks is gone! Drew and Chris try to look pained on her behalf, but you know they’re secretly thrilled he’s gone. Des assures them both that she isn’t letting yesterday break her spirit, and she really values her relationships with them. Unfortunately, she keeps crying. If you guys don’t want a rose, say so now! Although, come on, if either one of these guys had any doubts, they’d be jerks to say so. That would be like kicking a baby bunny.
8:18 p.m. Drew accepts his rose. Chris accepts his rose.
8:24 p.m. We are live! Weigh in, Bachelor Nation! Did Brooks ruin everyone’s chances? A Brooks supporter thinks he’s going to come back. Fingers crossed! Wow, a lot of people are betting on Brooks. A Chris supporter thinks he won’t. Chris communicates! And writes bad poetry! Chris Harrison lets everyone know they don’t check grammar on this show. Thank God!
8:26 p.m. More Brooks talk. It’s going to be Brooks or no one. Chris Harrison points out “no one” has never been an option on “The Bachelorette.” The crowd agrees — if Brooks doesn’t show up, Des should just go home.
8:34 p.m. Des wants to continue on and let her second choice guys try really really, really, really hard to take her mind off of Brooks. Des hopes that there might be sparks with Drew. Can she loves him the way she loved Brooks? If you don’t already, Des, you’re not going to love him by horseback riding. But Drew has no doubts! Poor Drew.
8:35 p.m. Des is not feeling it. Yeah, no big surprise, Des. YOU LOVE BROOKS. He wants to toast their being madly in love. Oh, God. This is like a slow-motion car wreck. And so the dumping begins. She’d be so lucky to have Drew in her life! But she doesn’t see a future with him. Waah-waah.
8:38 p.m. Des is better at dumping than Brooks was, by the way. Drew thanks her for her honesty. She cries and he doesn’t. He sniffles unconvincingly. He’s either numb or a robot. I mean, Brooks cried more than Drew did. Maybe he’s just really good at holding it together.
8:41 p.m. “I really loved her,” Drew says, expressionlessly. Wait, there’s a sniffle! I am either amazed at his self-possession or he just wasn’t that into her, either. I think Chris Harrison is more upset than Drew was. WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF SHE SENDS CHRIS HOME, TOO? Chris Harrison is verklempt!
8:48 p.m. Time for Chris! He’s getting further than than Drew. I mean, she gets him on a boat AND she kisses him. Instead of beating her over the head with his feelings, he makes it about her. Hugs and a shoulder to cry on, Des! Whatever you need! Smart guy.
8:52 p.m. Huh. There’s lots of hugging and kissing. Des feels sparks. Hmmm… rebounds can be fun!
8:59 p.m. She’s so glad she didn’t give up on love! One day erased Brooks from her mind? That must have been SOME date. I know, I know, they’ve had ten weeks to get to know one another, but still, she seems pretty ready to move on with Chris. Lot of talk about how easy and comfortable this is, sort of like Chris is an old pair of sweatpants.
9:03 p.m. Chris wants to meet her family… unless she’s HIDING THEM. Oh, no, she’s cool with it. Her brother is locked up and sedated.
9:05 p.m. Chris gives Des a journal for their bad poetry. She’s wowed! She feels like the luckiest girl alive. She never thought she’d meet someone like Chris! She feels so lucky — then bursts into tears. She’s thinking about Brooks, I’m sure. She feels that no one has ever loved her as much as she’s loved them, so it’s hard to feel so loved. It feels good! But she feels guilty. How could she not have loved him from the beginning? Because, well, Brooks was hotter.
9:12 p.m. Live studio audience! Chris Harrison introduces three of Des’ friends and Sean and Catherine from last season. Time to talk last season of “The Bachelor”! Sean and Catherine aren’t ready to announce a date for their wedding. But they’re crazy in love! But back to Des. What would you have done if you’d been dumped, Sean? He would have packed his bags and gone home. Sean never thought of going home, though, because he knew Catherine was at the other end. Catherine says if she were Chris, she’d have a hard time sticking it out once he knew how much Des loved Brooks. Yeah, that’s what we’re all worried about now — she’ll pick Chris, and then he’ll realize she doesn’t love him the way she loved Brooks, and he’ll walk, too. Eeek!
Time for Des’ friends to weigh in! Jackie was shocked that Brooks left! But she loves Chris. Lesley thinks she really is falling for Chris. Watching last week, she was reminded of how Sean broke Des’ heart, and she was sad to see that happen. But she thinks she’s happy now! Linday is nervous and wonders if Brooks is the guy.
9:23 p.m. Back to Antigua! Time for Chris to meet her family. Chris isn’t so eager to meet the crazy brother, Nate. Chris tells the family why he’s the right guy. He was a skeptic. But he thought she was beautiful. Nate fires off a lot of questions. Did she have stronger connections with other guys? Chris admits it’s nice not to see the other connections a girl has in normal dating, but he’s keeping his eyes on his own paper. Chris is confident Des will choose him. Des is freaking out that Nate is going to scare Chris with crazy questions. Damn straight.
9:27 p.m. More questions from Nate. What if she picks Drew? Well, it would hurt, but he doesn’t know how he’d feel. Finally, Des’ dad pulls Chris aside. Chris yaks and yaks about his feelings and how much he loves Des and how his parents are still married. He asks for Des’ hand in marriage. Dad gives him permission.
Sidebar – it’s kind of unnerving that Des (and her family, clearly) know that Drew is gone, but Chris doesn’t.
9:31 p.m. Nate asks Des if he’s the one. In this moment, yes! Nate thinks he’s the right choice. Huh! But he has some concerns. Ugh. He brings up Brooks. Are you disappointed, Des? Well, yeah. It took a while to get over him. Like, a week. Nate trusts her decision. Wow! Maybe he’s not so crazy. It was the skulking around the Beverly Hilton that threw me off.
9:38 p.m. It’s time for Des’ final day in Antigua. It could be the best day of her life or the worst! Worst? Eh, she’s going to get a marriage proposal. It won’t be all bad. Time for Neil Lane! Bring out the rings!
9:40 p.m. Chris gets dressed. What if she accepts Drew’s proposal? Oh, bunny. Des looks… not entirely happy. She keeps crying. I am not getting a “tears of happiness” vibe. She keeps talking about how much Chris loves her. Not a lot about how much she loves him.
Okay, the commercials are killing me. I want to think Des will just merrily accept Chris’ proposal, but I think she needs A LOT more time to process what happened with Brooks than the show allows. She’s had to switch gears pretty dramatically, and even if they do get engaged, I’m not sure they’re going to go the distance simple because of how messy this has been. Des is worried that Chris will change his mind about their relationship once she tells him about how she felt about Brooks. Yeah, I don’t blame her.
9:47 p.m. Time’s ticking! It’s time for the big reveal — what HAPPENS? Des waits for Last Chance Chris. He’s got his ring, he’s got his skinny tie, he’s ready. Chris is 100 percent committed. Uh, wait, Chris. Don’t say that just yet. Des has to talk to you.
9:51 p.m. Chris is so happy to have been on this journey with Des. He loved dancing with her in Germany! She makes him want to be a better person. Yak, yak, yak. Propose, Chris. Let’s get this over with! She won’t let him get down on one knee. She wants to be completely honest with him. She said goodbye to Drew earlier in the week and he’s the only one who met her family. But… she’s crying now. This does not seem good. She admits that she loved Brooks and throughout the journey she was torn between him and Chris. She feels that she was so blindsided by her feelings for Brooks she couldn’t see that what she needed was right in front of her. She is so grateful for him. She thanks him for never giving up. He means the world to her. And she loves him so much.
Kissing! Hugging! Now can he propose? Ah, he gets down on bended knee. He wants to be her first and last. And there it is — will you marry me? Yes. That’s it, people!
There is more kissing. So… the live audience kind of served no purpose, since Brooks wasn’t waiting in the wings or anything.
9:57 p.m. Montage of cute moments. Chris fake proposing before the first cocktail party. Bad poetry, dancing, helicopter rides.
She gives him the final rose and asks him to grow old with her forever. Well, maybe be together forever AND grow old. Back to the montage! Brooks who?
So, no last minute appearance by Brooks. But… has Chris watched the season thus far?
10:01 p.m. It’s After the Rose, which means lots of talking and possibly some arguing and/or kissing. Chris Harrison invites Des to the stage. Lots of nattering about how crazy the season was. Then, Chris asks how she got over Brooks so quickly. She thinks it was special to go through heartbreak to see the beauty in love. Huh? The answer is good enough for Chris Harrison, though. Time to discuss Brooks! She admits it might have been the thrill of the chase. Des tells Chris Harrison she never put pressure on herself to get a proposal, so Chris was never a back-up plan.
Brooks is in the house! Oh, no!
Des isn’t nervous to see Brooks. Brooks does NOT know about the proposal. This will be fun!
10:13 p.m. Brooks, who is rocking some scruff, talks about how hard it’s been to watch the show. Des asks him what made him change his mind between hometowns and Antigua. He admits he asked himself some hard questions, and that’s why his head was ahead of his heart. Nothing new here.
They are laughing and smiling about the horrible break-up. Any regrets, Brooks? He says hindsight’s 20/20. Des has no regrets. She’ll never regret feeling! So, Brooks, want to know what happened? Des said that after he left, things went really well. And she’s engaged to Chris.
Brooks offers her congratulations. He isn’t entirely surprised.
10:22 p.m. Des admits she’s nervous to see Drew. She knows she broke his heart. Really? Time to drag him out! He’s found his happiness again, but watching the show was difficult. He seems a little nervous. He tried to right the ship when he started seeing that they were headed to break-up town, but it was too late. But he has no regrets. He’s happy for Des. She wants him to find love. But wait! He has questions. Could he have done anything differently? In short, no. When did you know he wasn’t the one, Des? Des tried to keep her options open. Drew wants to know if he was always a little behind Chris and Brooks. I guess Drew is more broken up about this than I thought. Drew doesn’t regret telling her he loved her, but he’s no longer in love with her. But he’ll always be in her corner. Still, he knows it wasn’t mutual. Chris thinks Drew will be okay after this.
So, who’s the new Bachelor? Wait, time to watch a preview of the new ABC show “Betrayal”!
10:36 p.m. Time to bring out Chris. Big kiss! So, I guess Chris isn’t pissed about watching Des drool over Brooks all season. He couldn’t be happier. He knew she was the one a long time back — and he doesn’t care about the whole Brooks nonsense. He never wants to let her go. Time to watch Chris and Des watch the proposal for the first time, as they’ve been locked up backstage.
I think Chris is wearing the same suit and tie tonight. Guys can do that. Okay, this is winding down, I think. Time for the new Bachelor!
10:45 p.m. Nah, more Des and Chris. Des announces she’s moving to Seattle this week. And they’re getting a new place together. His family is so excited. Maybe her dad can adjust her back! And Chris wants to give her a gift. It’s all the roses she gave squished into a frame around a bad, bad poem. She’s so touched! Yeah, and now you have to hang this mess in your new apartment, so hope you really love it.
Our new Bachelor? JUAN PABLO! Oh, yeah. This will be a very hot season!
Do you think Des and Chris will last? Do you think Brooks regrets dumping her? What do you think of Juan Pablo as the new Bachelor?