‘Big Brother’ recap: Another Pandora’s Box and will Dan’s secret be revealed?

09.10.12 5 years ago 13 Comments


So, do you think Dan is an evil genius, just evil, easily manipulating gullible and possibly stupid fellow players, or all of the above? Discuss. Anyway, we rewind a little bit in this episode so that viewers can watch all the crazy strategy and backstabbing that took place during this week’s double elimination of Frank and Joe. And yes, there was a lot of crazy strategy and backstabbing, most of it on Dan’s part. But surely, the dark underbelly of his game play will finally be exposed, won’t it?

In no news to anyone but Jenn, she realizes Dan and Danielle cannot be trusted. This is what happens when you don’t really bother to play for over a month. Meanwhile, Dan is eagerly screaming at the camera in the interview room, “FRANK WAS A FOOL TO TRUST ME! I AM VERY LOUD FOR NO REASON!” Really, I’m surprised the other hamsters can’t hear him through the walls. It’s not like this place is constructed all that well.

Later, Dan tells Jenn they’re going to war. What? Does Dan even bother to speak logically to his fellow hamsters anymore? Anyway, after putting Ian on the block as a pawn, he quickly floats another idea. Hey, Shane? You know Ian? Let’s get rid of him. Shane is horrified and walks away from Dan. This, however, does not dim Dan’s enthusiasm for the idea, which he also suggests to Danielle and Jenn. Jenn is fine with it, as she’s fine with anyone who isn’t her going home. Danielle also thinks it’s a grand idea, as she thinks no one wants to sit next to Ian in the final two. Wow, does Danielle ever think a thought that hasn’t been placed in her head by Dan?

Ian thinks Dan made a foolish decision to put him on the block. I think Dan also made a foolish decision to tell everyone what he wanted to do before the POV competition, as Ian manages to win the POV and save himself. 

Dan now has to look for another sucker to put on the block — and suggests to Danielle that Shane needs to go. Danielle is conflicted. Not angry, not upset, just… conflicted. She assures Dan Shane won’t target him, so he should keep him around. Dan thinks Danielle will need to cut the chord with Shane soon, and he’ll be handing her the scissors to do it. I’d like to say Dan is a fool to come between Danielle and her crush, but then, I think Danielle is showing signs of Stockholm Syndrome in any case. 

Realizing Ian is in the house for at least another week, Dan has to make sure no one mentions to him that, oh yes, he kinda sorta thought about offing him. Shane promises Dan he won’t tell Ian about the whole targeting thing. I would think this would be Shane’s moment to realize Dan is a backstabbing slime ball, but no. I guess Shane just think that only applies to Ian.

As Dan has to replace Ian with someone, he picks Danielle — and she does not like it one bit. She cries to Shane. She’s mad at Dan and Jenn is mad at Dan, as she thought he was going to put up Shane. I guess Dan can only do so much backstabbing in a day.

Dan corners Danielle to inform her that  he needs her to man up RIGHT NOW. Danielle, like a good kidnapping victim, nods and sniffles. I’m not quite sure why no one ever questions Dan, and no one seems to remember he actually WON THIS GAME before and thus should be picked off as quickly as possible, but hey, it doesn’t happen. I’ve gotten used to it, really.

Dan feels he wasted a bullet on Joe. But Dan isn’t the only person feeling frustrated. Let’s see, Ian is frustrated with Dan, because Dan should have targeted Jenn. Jenn is frustrated with Dan, because Dan should have targeted Ian. Danielle is frustrated with Dan because he keeps surprising her. Shane would probably like to eat a cookie or look at his biceps or something.

Danielle and Jenn briefly vow their allegiance to one another, which I suspect is a case of Jenn desperately meaning it and Danielle just covering her bases. Dan, fearing that a sneaky alliance that doesn’t involve him might take place, pops in to assure Jenn that he’s doing what he’s doing to get the three of them to the finish line. Even Jenn can’t believe this crap. She suspects there’s something going on she’s not a part of. Wow, really?

Has anyone noticed how thin Jenn is getting? I can see an all-slop diet infomercial happening soon!

Dan whines to Danielle that, because he did what SHE wanted him to do in keeping Shane, he’s in TROUBLE! What if someone tells Ian about his original plan? Oh, I so hope someone does.

Danielle tells Shane that Dan considered putting him up… as a pawn. But, he didn’t, so they should be loyal to their evil overlord. Shane nods, as he mostly understands what Danielle is saying, although he did start thinking about his pink tank top in the middle of all the talking and he missed some stuff.

Meanwhile, Dan is skipping around the house solidifying his many, many alliances. Ian gets Dan to swear he’s taking him to the end. Oh, please, please let someone tell Ian the truth. It would just be so much more fun than watching this slow, depressing slog to the finish line. It’s like an old horror movie, except you finally get a little tired of the clueless co-eds saying things like, “Hey, why don’t I go check on that scary sucking noise behind the house all by myself?” or “I think there’s someone following us. Should we head back and say hello to our probably friendly neighbor?”

It’s time for the HOH competition. In the backyard, there are props from all the old games they’ve played. Ian reminds us that he has a photographic memory, so he’s a lock for a memory game. But it’s not just a memory game, mind you. The hamsters also have to manipulate a ball into a slot. I really think all those hand-eye coordination games of early childhood only pay off on reality TV, don’t you?

So, here’s the game in a nutshell. The hamsters must drop a ball on the correct day a particular event, like the birth of baby Zingbot or Willie’s exit from the house, occurred. I’m surprised that after so much time the hamsters can remember events down to the day, but then, they don’t have much else to remember, do they? For each day they’re off from the correct number, they get a penalty point.

First question: Shane gets two penalty points, Ian (with his photographic memory) gets none, Jenn gets three penalty points and Danielle gets thirteen penalty points because she totally screws up in the ball-dropping process. We can pretty much assume Danielle is not winning this.
Second question: Ian gets one penalty point due to a lack of hand-eye coordination. Jenn gets no penalty points because she’s actually trying this time around, Shane gets two penalty points, and Danielle gets four penalty points because she’s just overthinking it.
Third question: Shane gets two penalty points, Ian gets six penalty points because he totally spazzes out, Jenn gets two penalty points, and Danielle gets two penalty points.
Fourth question: Shane gets three penalty points, Ian gets one penalty point, Danielle gets two and Jenn gets one. I think, ironically, the hamsters are all getting pretty good at this — too bad it’s  not a marketable skill or anything. 
Going into the final round, Ian’s ahead by one.
Fifth question: Danielle’s total is 25, Jenn’s is 17, Shane’s is 14 and Ian’s is 14. It’s a tie!

Tiebreaker! Dan is sweating. Ian is praying. It’s a nail biter, people! But only for a commercial break. As we could have expected, Ian wins by two.

This would be about the time I’d expect Jenn to go running willy-nilly to Ian to tattle on Dan. Funny, we’re not seeing that. What an odd choice for the editors to make! Because really, Jenn or even Shane should be tattling, right? Maybe both of them together? That would make perfect sense, really. So, of course, it’s happening and we’re not seeing it, right?

Dan being Dan, he decides to pow wow with Ian. After all, they have a final two alliance! They’re the Renegades! Ian honestly suggests to Dan he might be a pawn. Dan is not cool with that and yells to the interview room camera that he WILL COME UP WITH A CRAZY PLAN. That a crazy plan will work just fine this season is a little depressing. Dan helpfully suggests that Ian put Jenn and Shane on the block. After all, he and Ian are Renegades.Death before dishonor! What? This is “Big Brother,” not Afghanistan.

But before Ian can pretend he’s fighting a good fight instead of playing dumb games for money, he discovers Pandora’s Box! Again! Ian, who knows this being a “Big Brother” historian, declares that he’s the first player to ever get two Pandora’s Boxes. So what’s the deal on the table? He can get a message from someone who loves him very much. This appears to be his parents. But it’s not! For someone who’s such an authority on this show, he should have seen this coming. He gets, instead, a very special message from former winner Rachel. Or, as we know her, RaChEl. She prattles on about staddle-gizing with Brendon and wearing miniskirts and Ian looks like he wants to kill himself.

Meanwhile, everyone else in the house gets messages from their loved ones. Shane’s sister tells him she loves him and Shane tears up. Jenn’s mom tells her she loves her and Jenn tears up. Danielle’s sister tells her she loves her and Danielle tears up. Dan’s wife tells him she loves him and Dan tears up. Everyone is so inspired and so hopeful and meanwhile Ian is getting fodder for his nightmares.

Whoa, it’s time for the nomination ceremony! How did that happen? Aren’t we supposed to be seeing the scene during which Jenn throws Dan under the bus? Or Shane throws Dan under the bus? Or someone, God, someone throws Dan under the bus?

Danielle is safe.
Dan is safe. Of course he is.

That means Shane and Jenn are up and they seem generally consigned to this. But Jenn is a fighter and she’ll try her hardest to get off the block. I would think trying her hardest would have been TATTLING ON DAN. Unreal. Danielle will be so upset if she has to vote Shane out! What? Why even consider it? Just don’t do it, Danielle. I’m amazed that everyone seems to think Dan, who has been exposed as a backstabber, is not only not a major threat, but trustworthy. But then, I guess it just goes to good gameplay.

Do you think Shane or Jenn will go home? Do you think Ian will figure out Dan wants him gone? What do you think of Dan’s game?


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