It’s Thursday, so someone’s packing their bags and heading home from the “Big Brother” house. But who? It looks like Britney, but I can’t rule out one last power quack from Brit. And I still have to wonder — was everyone really snowed by Dan’s fake funeral? I mean, once the weepiness was over and clearer heads prevailed, they had to realize Dan was snowing them, right? Oh, why do I bother? As many crafty power moves have gone on in this game, I’d argue there’s been an equal amount of suckerdom.
Britney, Ian and Shane are blindsided by Jenn’s decision to rescue Dan — and Frank’s decision to backdoor Britney. Britney wants to know if Danielle knew this was coming. Sweet little Danielle plays dumb. She isn’t in cahoots with Dan! Or anything! Danielle doesn’t make eye contact, but Britney doesn’t seem to notice the tell. Britney should not play poker, ever.
Dan believes his finest hour in the house was convincing Jenn to use the POV on him. He is so amazed by his own ability! I will say, I’m amazed he pulled it off, too. Especially that that ridiculous fake funeral not only worked, but was swallowed hook, line and sinker by most of the house. Do people forget he’s won this game before?
Ian decides it’s time to talk to Frank and Jenn. My assumption is that Ian is going to strike a deal, save Britney, play nice, something. But no, Ian is having a fit. Frank tells him to take his yelly little self outside. For a student of the game, Ian seems incapable of doing the smart thing in this moment. I mean, if Dan was able to save himself, I mean, Ian can’t rule out the possibility of mixing things up at least a little bit.
Britney tells Dan he owes it to her to be honest. He doesn’t answer. Britney calls him cold. Dan doesn’t answer. Britney says it’s important to her how she’s treated — as a jury member. This shakes Dan out of his pensive, mute state — well, sort of. Dan mutters that he won’t treat her any differently — even as he sends her home. Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but we all know it’s true.
Ian says he will avenge Britney. Ian better hope he’s around to avenge Britney, to be honest. If the HOH challenge is the least bit physical, I don’t see him riding into the final two anytime soon.
Shane tries to comfort Danielle, knowing she has to deal with that mean old Dan. Shane can’t decide who to vote for — his best friend or his former coach. Oh, Shane. I can trust him not to do the smart thing, I’m fairly sure.
Britney talks to Frank and Jenn, hoping to plead her case. Frank says she’s the mastermind of the game, and though he doesn’t say it in a mean way, Britney cries. She tells him she thinks he’s very good at the game. She offers to protect Frank and Jenn if they keep her. They don’t say anything. Yeah, I don’t think they’re going to change their allegiance at this point. Britney really needs to work on Shane — but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I’m hoping this is just bad editing. She has to know his vote (along with Joe’s) is what she needs to stay in the house, right?
Ian starts another fight with Frank. Frank calls Ian sneaky. Ian is insulted! He’s not sneaky at all! Ian cried all day about voting out Boogie! Frank thinks he just felt guilty. Frank has no sympathy for Ian. Ian is not making anything better for himself, I will say. I understand he’s angry about being surprised, but he has to think that next week, his greatest ally – Britney — may be gone, and he’s going to have to start making some new friends.
The battle continues. Frank reminds Ian that he got Boogie to give him $3,000. Ian tells everyone in the house that if Frank gets to the final two, he’ll win seven to nothing. Britney and Shane hold one another as Frank and Ian fight. It’s so scary! Possibly because Frank is a giant, angry carrot! Frank finally stops to step outside himself and notice how ridiculous it is to be having a knock down drag out argument in a carrot costume. It’s hard not to like Frank, as not everyone in this house could laugh at themselves while dressed as produce.
Britney tries to convince Frank that Dan is pure evil. Ian nods a lot. Britney points out that Dan has already won this game. Frank is just happy that the heat is on Dan, so all he hears is Dan blah blah blah evil blah blah blah. Britney declares that Dan is the worst person in the entire world. And she hates him. She proceeds to act out this Wicked Witch/Evil Queen monologue in which Dan serves apple pie laced with arsenic. I’m not sure how effective this is.
Britney tries to talk to Dan. She thinks her biggest mistake was trusting him. Dan walks away while she tries to shoot mental death rays of hurt in his direction.
Shane and Joe talk. Joe declares that Shane is the only person he trusts — and he will vote however Shane wants him to vote. Joe, so obedient!
Time for the Chenbot to ask questions, none of them especially interesting. Jenn loves Danielle, Dan is glad that he’s alive… and he’s in debt to Jenn. Her saving him from the block was his 29th birthday gift! Personally, I think he should have asked for a cake. Shane talks about crying at Dan’s funeral. Boy, Shane is going to feel really stupid about that someday soon, I’m sure.
Thus far, I haven’t seen anything to indicate that Britney is staying.
Time for a package! We visit the Brigade, the guys who snowed Britney during her last season. Poor Britney. The guys agree that Britney’s high maintenance. It’s part of why they love her! Lane would like to wear Ian in his fanny pack so he’ll function as a tip calculator. That’s actually… not a bad idea. Enzo thinks Danielle is a stalker, and Shane is fairly ridiculous in his pink tank top. He’s also appalled at how backstabbish the Quack Pack is. The Brigade was honorable! And only backstabbed Britney! He thinks Britney has to just woman up and stay alive. The Brigade has faith in her. She couldn’t beat them, but jeez, this season’s array of dumbasses? How could she not win? Sigh.
Frank talks privately to the Chenbot about his final two deal with Dan. Frank says that if he can trust him, he’ll do it. But if not? He’ll turn on him. My concern is that when Dan betrays Frank, he’ll only realize it as he’s walking out the door. Frank hopes he can rope in Ian at some point, but he’s working to eliminate him next week anyway.
Time for pleading! Danielle loved her summer in the house. She loves Britney so much! Britney, who is dressed like Strawberry Shortcake, gives an Oscar speech. She isn’t egotistical enough to hold her own funeral (where’s Zingbot when you need him?), but after sending her love to her family and thanking her fans, she takes a moment to tell Dan, “You’ll always be Judas to me.” Dan doesn’t blink. Yes, Dan is very, very good at this game.
Time to evict. The voting is, sadly, predictable.
Dan votes to evict Britney. Duh. Oh, and he loves his wife.
Jenn votes to evict Britney.
Ian votes to evict Danielle.
Shane votes to evict… Britney. Nooooo!
So, Britney’s going home. Dammit.
Joe votes to evict Britney. As expected.
Dan really did mastermind this whole week. It’s impressive. Kinda crappy, weird and underhanded, but impressive. Did it really never occur to anyone that Dan was just pretending not to be in an alliance with Danielle? Seriously? Dan may be a mastermind, but he’s also playing with some pretty dumb hamsters.
Poor Britney. Screwed by the Brigade, screwed by the Quack Pack (or at least one part of it). She smiles, dispenses hugs all around, and walks out with her head held high. Time to talk to the Chenbot.
Britney tells the Chenbot that she can admire that Dan did what he had to do to get off the block, but she’s not happy about it. She declares that Dan is both pure genius and pure evil. Britney notes that her allegiance to Ian came back to haunt her, not that she regrets it. The Chenbot asks how she got blindsided AGAIN. Rub salt in a wound, Julie! Britney tried to always be paranoid this time, but Dan’s just plain good. The Chenbot says she did oust both Janelle and Boogie, so it seems she might have proven that she can play the game. Even Britney doesn’t seem convinced by this faint praise.
But what about the remaining hamsters in the Quack Pack? Britney tells the Chenbot that Ian needs to relax a little, and she suspects Shane will just follow someone else’s lead. He doesn’t realize he’s expendable. Britney, did you explain any of this to Shane while you were still in the house? Actually, she probably did. And all he heard was blah blah pink tank top blah blah tan blah blah hair.
Time for farewell wishes. Danielle is so sorry Britney had to leave! She’s her very best girlfriend! Totally didn’t mean to lie to her and stuff! Dan tells Britney he respects her as a player, and nothing was personal. And that is why Dan is so good at this game — that little bit of sociopath in him. Shane says this was the hardest decision he had to make. But Danielle hadn’t gotten the chance to play the game before! And he still has a shot at getting lucky! Ian feels like she’s an older sister to him. And he’s going to get that hairy orange beast. Britney had some pretty loving farewells, surprisingly.
Britney is off to the juror house. And three weeks remain until the winner is crowned!
So, everyone voted for the first eliminated house guest in the new HOH competition will receive a punishment. The game is basically holding on to a rope as it rotates. And get sprayed with yellow fake tan stuff. It’s the usual long slog — and it all boils down to who is most determined to win.
Who do you think wins HOH? Do you think Britney could have done something to stay in the house? Do you think Ian is going home sooner rather than later?