‘Big Brother’ recap: Can Dan get himself off the block?

08.30.12 5 years ago 24 Comments


So, as we head into yet another labyrinthine maze of backstabbing and trash talking, the game stands at Dan and Danielle perched precariously on the block, with Dan being Frank’s main target. This should be pretty cut and dried, right? I mean, the whole game can’t be turned upside down in a matter of days, can it? Like, Dan should just pack his stuff and look for his hair gel. Or not. This season seems to be a lot twistier than any other in recent memory, and alliances come together and crumble in the space of a single episode. Heck, we’ve had alliances on top of secret alliances, which is making “Big Brother” feel a little like a low I.Q. Roman play. Et tu, Dan?

Anyway, the current Quack Pack plan is to grab both POVs (Ian already has one) and yank both Dan and Danielle from the block. Britney thinks this is a great plan. She hopes that either she or Shane will win the POV competition, and thinks Dan has agreed to throw the game. Dan, however, has not agreed to throw the game. He trusts no one, so he couldn’t care less who goes home — as long as it’s not him. This does not bode well for Britney’s fabulous plan. 

It’s time to pick players for the POV competition. Frank draws a name first and selects Shane. Danielle draws Britney. Dan has houseguest’s choice, so he chooses Jenn. Yeah, I guess Jenn seems slightly more promising than Joe to do just about anything other than cook. Or yell. 

Before the game, Jenn forms a quick alliance with Frank. It’s like she just woke up and decided, hey, I’m in a game! Maybe I should play or something! Did she just realize you can’t sleep your way to the win?

Then, it’s time for the actual POV competition. It’s a Draw Something app challenge! Like charades or Pictionary, but with a cross-promotional angle! Luckily, it’s a little more than just a shameless plug. Each word earns points, but is linked to a punishment. So, there’s the added advantage of humiliation whether or not you win.  

Britney needs Dan and Danielle to throw the competition. But as we know, Dan has no intention of doing that. Watch carefully, and you can see the moment when Britney realizes Dan isn’t playing along. Her face actually crumples a little. Don’t miss it. 

Frank gets the first question, but he will have to dye himself green to take the points. The second question goes to Dan, and he has to eat appetizers featuring pigs ear, cow’s stomach, acorn jelly and fermented soybean. You know, in some restaurants that’s considered delicious. 

Jenn gets the next point and has to burn her clothes. She has no problem doing that, and she’d go naked just to get into the competition. I think Jenn doesn’t realize that she could really keep sleepwalking through this particular part of the game, as she’s not on the block. 

Britney gets the next point and has to be shackled to another houseguest of her choice She chooses Danielle. Danielle is flattered, but really, who else is Britney going to pick? Frank gets the next question, and must take a chum shower whenever an alarm sounds over the next 11 hours. They’ve only been playing for a half hour at most, and already the guy must reek. 

Frank gets the NEXT point and must wear a carrot outfit for a week. Frank hopes he doesn’t have to suffer for no reason — and it certainly looks as if he’s positioned to win with a healthy lead over everyone else, including Dan. Dan is looking just as drawn and cranky as he did during the last POV competition, which suggests he’s going to start acting like a bratty fifth grader in five.. four… three…. Oh, he starts in a little early, even. When Frank gets the next question,  the punishment is that he must take himself out of the next HOH competition. Dan sees an opportunity to make Frank paranoid. “You’re alone in this game,” he grumbles, inciting snarking on both sides. Dan does not show his best side when he thinks he’s going home. His wife must be so flattered. 

Finally, Danielle gets a question right and her punishment is to be a human canvas. Jenn thinks Danielle looks adorable as she gets splattered with paint. I’m sure Danielle would be terrified to realize that a real live lesbian finds her adorable. That’s, like, harassment! Or something! 

This is a really long challenge, isn’t it? I’m not sure who thought watching people watch people draw would be scintillating television, but I’m fairly sure that person is filing for unemployment right now. 

Dan gets the next question — and must agree to a 24 hour solitary confinement. Britney is furious with Dan. HE told her he was going to throw the competition! He’d better take that solitary confinement, because that’s 24 hours during which Britney won’t be able to strangle him with her tiny little hands. 

The sad thing? Shane’s supposed to be in this competition. Heck, he’s supposed to win it. And he hasn’t even buzzed in yet. 

Britney pushes the buzzer, but doesn’t know the answer. Frank, feeling friendly, gives it to her. But because he cheated? And was, like, helpful and nice? He’s eliminated! I’m expecting the Gamemaster from “The Hunger Games” to appear and order a fire ball thrown at Frank or something. He had it in the bag. And now, horrifyingly, Dan is in the lead. Britney is worried she’ll be the replacement nominee. Her face crumples more.  

Jenn gets the next question — for 11 points. The punishment? She has to eat slop for the rest of the summer. If she accepts the punishment, she will win the competition. Whoa. But she does it, because she has an alliance with Frank and she’ll do anything for her alliance of the last twenty minutes. Frank is thrilled, because this means Dan is going home. 

But does it? Frank and Jenn celebrate. He’s not alone anymore! She’s a player! She has an alliance! Finally!  

Dan goes into the pantry to cry. He loves his wife, coaching, and playing this game. It’s just too hard to think about going home! Dan needs hobbies. Hobbies other than getting weirdly attached to looking like a neurotic jerk on national television.  

But there’s no time to cry (or really, there’s plenty of time to cry) because it’s time for Dan to start his 24 hours of isolation. He strolls around his disco paradise. I guess he has to listen to party music for twenty-four hours. Did he get a snack or anything? I hope he got a snack. We already knew he was acting cranky. 

Time for Britney and Danielle to get shackled. They go to the bathroom in shackles. They go up and down stairs in shackles. They wear bikinis in shackles. Ho-hum.  

Meanwhile, Frank has to take chum showers every time he hears a horn. Yuck. He is so over the chum bath! You think? Jeez. Frank has been so beaten up by this competition, I’m surprised the producers don’t just give him the $500,000 so he doesn’t sue them for post traumatic stress disorder.

Dan comes out of solitary confinement, and Britney thinks he’s acting like a zombie. He’s pale, freaked out and mute. He wants a house meeting to address the hamsters. What? 

He’s sad. He’s having a “Big Brother” funeral. Oh, this is a bit much. He thanks Joe for teaching him how to be a dad. He thinks Shane is such a good dude. And Jenn is the first lesbian he’s ever met, and he appreciates how much she’s touched him.  That’s exactly what he said. Insert your own joke here. 

He tells Britney he connects with her. Ian reminds him of himself. Ian weeps. Britney weeps. Shane weeps. People are crying? This isn’t a REAL FUNERAL, small, soft-brained hamsters. Dan wants to apologize to Frank face-to-face in private. Huh. And finally, he tells Danielle he put his trust in her 100 percent. But she’ll never earn his trust back and she’s dead to him. Don’t ask him about it, because it’s over! Danielle blinks like Bambi’s mom. She never saw it coming! 

Dan will be friends with everyone outside of the house, but this funeral was about the death of Dan the Player. He’s no longer playing? I think Dan has listened to loud music far too long. But Dan reveals in the interview room that he has come up with a master plan to get himself out of this mess! By getting himself institutionalized! Just kidding. Kind of. 

Danielle freaks out after Dan’s cruel treatment of her. Jenn has no idea what he’s talking about! Britney and Shane wonder if he’s got an angle. Danielle doesn’t care. She’s hurt! Shane comforts Danielle as she sobs. How could he do this to her. He’s her coach! Or platonic boyfriend! Or something!

In the interview room, we learn Dan’s master plan has two steps. Step one: his funeral. Step two: talk to Frank and blow up the Quack Pack. 

Ah. And here’s the twist for today. 

Dan sits down with Frank and throws Ian under the bus. Frank is stunned! He thought Britney and Ian were his friends! Frank wants Ian out next. Dan suggests Britney is the more dangerous player. He’s sure Ian is tighter with Britney than she is with him. Frank thinks Shane might win the next HOH and he’d be okay, but now he thinks that won’t work, given the presence of the Quack Pack. Frank is giving Dan a LOT of points for revealing the Quack Pack, even though hey, Dan was PART OF the Quack Pack and is only revealing it because he’s in a tight spot. Which suggests he will throw anyone under the bus whenever he gets in a tight spot.  

Dan tells Frank he’s never voted against him, and points out an alliance between the two of them would be entirely unexpected. Frank wonders if Jenn might use the veto on Dan so he, Dan, Jenn and Dan can have an alliance. And Joe, because hey, a vote’s a vote. Maybe Dan will take Frank to the final two! Oh, Frank. 

Dan is shocked to realize he really means it — he could go to the final two with Frank! Dan actually seems surprised to think he can stick with an alliance for more than a week or two. 

Next, it’s time for Dan to do damage control with Danielle. He was faking her out! See, everything’s okay! Danielle beats him with a pillow. “You broke my heart!” She pouts a little, just for good measure. “You humiliated me in front of the whole house!” She wants a forewarning next time! 

Dan, eyes bugging out, shakes his head in horror. “No, because then you wouldn’t cry!” 

So, Dan’s plan goes into effect. Frank works on Jenn and tells her about Ian’s backstabbing. Jenn is shocked! She just found out she was playing a game, and people have been backstabbing one another? This is lunacy! Will Dan keep her safe? She just needs Frank’s word! 

Time for the veto competition. Ian does not use his power of veto, which we suspected. Now, it’s Jenn’s turn. Jenn uses her veto… on Dan. Britney looks a little worried. Frank tells Ian that since he can’t put him up, he’s putting up his closest ally — Britney. Britney looks a lot more worried. She was suspecting it could happen, but I’m not sure if she really thought it would.  

Britney can’t take anymore! She’s so tired! Ian is gunning for Frank, which he was before anyway. Jenn’s thrilled that she made a big move. And Dan’s just amazed that he went from dead man walking to Lazarus. I’m amazed that anyone is even bothering with alliances, since final two gets battered about and tossed away like paper napkins at a Burger King. But I will say, the hamsters do keep you guessing, don’t they?

Do you think Britney can save herself? Do you think Ian will be next to go? Do you think Frank is headed for the final two after all?

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