I was initially reluctant to jump on the “Big Brother” hater train. When cameras are following you around 24/7, it’s almost guaranteed you’re going to be caught saying something stupid. When you’re under constant stress and your “job” is essentially stabbing other people in the back, you’re also likely to say something stupid and possibly hateful. I can even see how something said sarcastically could be taken literally. Given that the hamsters are mostly stupid kids, I hate to judge too quickly (reality TV housewives, though, are a different matter).
Still, this has to be the first season when the house has been chock full of racist, homophobic asshats, and even if I give everyone a pass on their first dunderheaded comment, the piggishness just keeps coming — and in this episode, even CBS can’t ignore it anymore. Thus, I feel absolutely justified in saying I don’t blame the employers who’ve canned Aaryn and GinaMarie (and, given the Union Pacific Railroad’s comments about Spencer, I wouldn’t bet on his longterm prospects with them) and yeah, I kinda hate their guts. But let’s move on. The game is, of course, afoot.
As usual, we get to see the slippy-sliddy HOH competition, which ends with the worst possible result: Jeremy and racist scumbag Aaryn win. Jeremy cedes the HOH title to Aaryn, which to some may seem chivalrous but is really just smart game play. I’m unnerved that one of the people in the house who seems to be only slightly smarter than a bag of hair has someone lucked into the savviest alliance of the season, but I guess I should just be happy he isn’t making Asian jokes.
Aaryn, as we could have guessed, is not a good HOH. In fact, she’s kind of like a third world despot looking for an underclass to slaughter. In deciding the Have-Nots, she asks everyone who voted to send her beloved David home to raise their hands. Oddly enough, no one does. So, she just picks people she hates: Elissa, Andy, Helen and Candice. As Elissa points out, Aaryn is definitely not a nice girl.
Helen, who is really sick of sleeping in coach, begs America to make her MVP. She cries. Elissa cries. Helen says she and Elissa cannot go home before Aaryn. Damn straight. If there is any justice in carefully controlled reality TV competitions, this just can’t happen.
Even though Aaryn is truly loathed, that doesn’t stop some hamsters from trying to make nice. Andy “confesses” to Aaryn that he voted for David. She respects him for coming to talk to her, and she doesn’t hold it against him. As Andy explains in the interview room, he’s keeping his friends close and his Aaryns closer. Good God, that implies there’s more than one of her. Lock your doors, people! They’re cloning!
Time to see her HOH room and resent her deeply! Andy would rather not, but he is looking forward to seeing baby pictures of the devil. Unfortunately, we also get introduced to Clowny, Aaryn’s first stuffed animal. Clowny is an enormous, creepy clown doll. I cannot believe she is excited to see Clowny, but maybe a nightmare toy is just the thing for a nightmare hamsters. Amanda thinks it comes to life at night and kills people. Funny, I thought the same thing about Aaryn!
Elissa doesn’t see any point in kissing Aaryn’s ass and leaves. This may not be smart game play on Elissa’s part, but I can’t blame her. With Elissa gone, the conversation turns to Aaryn’s “Death Wish” efforts to find who voted for her David. Hmm, maybe Howard lied! And Spencer lied! Jeremy cannot stand for his buds to have their names sullied in this way, and he suggests to Aaryn she put up Elissa and Helen.
Does anyone else notice this happening? If you mention a member of the alliance, even in passing, a Moving Company member will change the subject? Immediately? I know, it’s easy to see this from the outside, but it’s horrifying to watch one alliance completely own the game so early on.
Still, Aaryn doesn’t rule out a conspiracy to take down David. “If it’s you, Nick, I’m gonna cut off your bleep in your sleep.” I think Nick should be worried.
Time to reveal what America voted for the Have-Nots to eat: liver and lima beans. Oh, America. Did you think hamsters who richly deserved it would be in the Have-Not room this week? If so, the liver and lima beans was a good choice. But I’m afraid Andy is going to suffer from scurvy soon. Aaryn wouldn’t wish the liver and lima beans on her worst enemy — but then on second thought… I want to slam her face into a plate glass window, I swear.
Finally, it’s time to dig into what America has been talking about. Amanda and Howard discuss Aaryn’s casual racism. What follows is a montage of hate and stupidity. As Howard points out, even when the comments are made in fun, they’re still disrespectful — but I didn’t get that the comments were really meant in fun, honestly. But Howard is not going to say what he thinks because he has a bigger goal — winning. Amanda is dead on when she says Aaryn’s nastiness is going to hurt her in the game and out of the game. Ding, ding, ding!
Candice and Helen get together to discuss what’s going on in the house. Candice tells Helen that Nick and Jeremy are together. She’s using her super duper snooper skills to figure this out. Come on, you can do it, Candice, even if you come up with some pretty dumb catch phrases! They suspect Spencer is in with Nick and Jeremy. They are suspicious of Nick. Helen knows something is up in the house. Candice wonders if there’s a BOY SUPERGROUP! DING, DING, DING! I guess she does have super duper snooper skills after all. They suspect there’s an alliance amongst Jeremy, Nick and Spencer AND HOWARD. Yes! Yes! What about McCrae? Girls, you’ve almost got this sorted out!
Alas, it’s time for America to vote on Have-Not food. Try to think of Andy, people. We don’t want him to die or turn transparent.
Coconuts and cabbage
Grapefruit and guacamole
Mincemeat and marshmallows
Back to hamster silliness. Jessie wants a showmance! And she digs Nick. So, what does she do? She follows him around obsessively and asks him why he hates her. “I’m observing you in your natural habitat,” she whispers in a creepy way. Then, she slurps coffee loudly. Wow, that Nick can resist this is beyond me.
With the nominations ceremony looming, Helen sits down with Aaryn and wants to make a deal. She wisely points out that, when it gets to be later in the game, they could vote out one another’s friends. Aaryn is offended, but it could work out for her. But the Moving Company has another target in mind. Spencer thinks Amanda is making the other side of the house hard to control, so she should go up with Elissa.
Jeremy tells Aaryn that Amanda masterminded David’s eviction. So, she should put up Amanda and Elissa for two reasons: one, they are in an alliance. Two, they both suck. Ah, yes, Jeremy is quite the smooth talker, isn’t he?
Nominations ceremony. Yay, not.
First key… Jeremy.
Second key… Kaitlin.
Third key… Andy.
Fourth key… Nick.
Fifth key… Judd.
Sixth key… McCrae.
Seventh key… GinaMarie.
Eighth key… Spencer.
Ninth key… Jessie.
Tenth key… Amanda.
Eleventh key… Howard.
Twelfth key… Candice.
So, Elissa and Helen are on the block. But Aaryn really hopes Helen gets that veto!
Jeremy declares the only thing standing in the way of the Moving Company is the MVP. Come on, America — vote for someone who ISN’T in the Moving Company this week. And please, don’t vote for Aaryn, GinaMarie or Spencer. It’s just “Big Brother,” but let’s try to aim higher.
Who do you think is going home? If you know who has the Veto, don’t say in the comments. And who are you voting for for MVP?