‘Big Brother’ recap: The battle for the POV and an Olympic-size prize

09.12.12 5 years ago 7 Comments


So, it’s down to the final five, or what I like to call the Quack Pack and Jenn. Not that the Quack Pack is much of an alliance, as everyone except Shane seems to have a final two deal with Dan (and that may have happened and I just missed it), and Dan is eagerly rubbing his hands together in anticipation of stomping on their broken bodies on the way to the finish line. The crazy part is, of course, that every remaining hamster seems likely to smile up at him as he does it. “Gee, Dan, you’re really good at cracking ribs! That barely hurt! And not nearly as much as when you stepped on my nose!” 

Anyway, it’s not long before the hamsters have to get down to the business of fighting for the POV. Shane wants it bad. He needs it bad. Because, let’s face it, Dan could convince the current HOH Ian to play in traffic if he wanted to, and Ian won’t think twice about sending home Shane if that’s what Dan wants. Dan, understanding that Shane is a bigger threat than Jenn, wants. 

Ian, not having received marching orders from Dan, wants to send Jenn home, so he hopes to keep his nominations the same.

This week’s silly challenge involves strapping the hamsters into harnesses, making them swing back and forth to hit a buzzer while putting together a puzzle. It’s all about multitasking in the Big Brother house! I’m just waiting for the challenge that involves texting and driving while humans and dogs are waved in front of your go cart. 

Ian, who is not good at multitasking, can’t quite get into the rhythm of working on the puzzle and punching a big, red button every so often. He tells us he has terrible timing. Kind of like how he doesn’t seem to understand DAN IS NOT HIS FRIEND. Oh, wait, that’s unrelated to this challenge. 

Shane and Jenn show a knack for this challenge, as they’re the only two who really, deeply care about it. Ian is the first hamster eliminated because he kind of forgot all about the clock. Someday, he’ll be an absent-minded professor if he’s lucky.

Ian decides to coach Shane on the puzzle while standing on the sidelines. I actually think this might be more distracting than helpful, but it does the trick and Shane wins. Jenn is heartbroken, but she’s secretly dreaming about In-N-Out double-doubles because she’s been eating slop for a month, so I’m not sure she’s really, really devastated by the thought of getting out of this place.

Before Shane has to pull himself off the block (yeah, this will be an entirely predictable POV ceremony), he gets a Special Luxury Prize. And he can indulge in this Special Luxury Prize with another houseguest! They will be meeting some of the biggest stars of the summer! How could Shane not pick Danielle? I mean, he’s not going to snuggle with Dan in the back of the limo. I hope.

Although, after seeing Danielle with her glasses on and no make-up, I’m not sure Dan would be so bad. 

Shane and Danielle pile into their ride and are just giddy at the thought of being outside! Shane is excited to see cars! He’d forgotten about those! Danielle can’t believe gas is $4.33! I think she’s just excited to see a gas station, because I don’t think prices have roller coastered that much this summer. 

Danielle kind of thinks it’s like her first date with Shane. So does he! What? Shane actually seems interested in Danielle and doesn’t seem to think she’s a stalker! At the moment!

So, who do Shane and Danielle get to meet? The Fierce Five, which is what we call the gold medal-winning U.S. gymnastic team. I remember Gabby Douglas is the Flying Squirrel, but I didn’t really pick up on that Fierce Five thing. But it doesn’t matter, because Shane and Danielle have been cooped up in a house and they’re REALLY excited to meet ANYONE. 

Anyway, the gymnasts meet them and bring Kellogg’s corn flakes. This is because… I think they’re on the box? We don’t really get to see the box, but I have to assume this isn’t about Shane and Danielle’s passion for cereal. Anyway, our hamsters try to chat up the gold medalists. The gymnasts want to know if they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Danielle flips her hair and says they haven’t really discussed it. Good save, Danielle! They also reveal Shane is their favorite hamster. So, I guess you can suck it, Danielle. Olympic gymnasts are not rooting for you! 

Then, Shane tells the gymnasts that, just as it is difficult to become an Olympic gymnast, it is also hard to get onto “Big Brother.” So, they’re kind of alike! The gymnasts do not kick him. 

Meme-riffic McKayla Maroney actually gets everyone to pose for a photo IMITATING HER “NOT IMPRESSED” FACE! Oh, I love her. That is awesome in every way.

After the meet-and-greet, they watch the gymnasts swing and bounce around as part of the Tour of Champions show, which is apparently more fun than the Olympics and features fun lighting. 

Afterwards, Shane and Danielle hold hands. In the limo, Danielle sleeps on Shane’s chest. Danielle doesn’t want the night to end! She knows her parents would love him! And he wants her to share a bed with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m sure he just wants to spoon. Hah. Anyway, they kiss and I think Danielle accidentally bites Shane. 

Back at the house, the remaining hamsters try to act interested while secretly wishing they’d been allowed outside. The mood is probably very much akin to what it’s like at a dog shelter when one of the pups gets sprung. Dan tells Danielle he really missed her. Not that he means it or anything, but it means a lot to Danielle. But she is so confused! Should she choose Shane or Dan for her final two. If she’s smart, she’ll choose Shane, but Shane better keep up the boyfriend act if he wants to stay in it.

Shane gets all dressed up in his ridiculous pink polo shirt to announce the veto ceremony. He, of course, saves himself. And, because he has to nominate somebody and God forbid he picks Dan, Ian decides to nominate Danielle. Because he’s stupid. 

Dan is willing to stab anyone or do anything to get the half million dollars. That’s a quote, by the way. So yes, it’s fairly clear he really doesn’t care if Danielle sticks around. 

Wait! Time for America’s vote! Text for your favorite houseguest to win $25,000. And please, nobody vote for Dan. It would just be too much. 

It’s time for a very, very short eviction ceremony. 

Shane is first. He votes to evict Jenn.

Dan votes to evict Jenn.

And so, Jenn is going home. 

Jenn, who was expecting it, doesn’t seem all that sad. She is probably relieved to get a chance to eat something that isn’t slop. “Keep it fun and keep it classy! And burn the place down!” she says, leaving on an utterly contradictory and somewhat disturbing note.

Time for questions from the Chenbot. Jenn thinks she’s there because she didn’t win her POV. But maybe there was something going on she didn’t know about. Julie tries not to smirk meanly.

Julie wonders if she regrets saving Dan. No regrets! She feels Dan is one of the most dangerous players in the game, so she figured if she couldn’t beat him, join him. Jenn, you were paying attention all along! Now I’m a little sad she’s leaving, as she seems to be the only person not under Dan’s evil spell. Julie asks if Dan is playing the best game in the house Jenn says Ian is really tough, but Dan is slick. “He keeps getting out of stuff.” Yes, yes he does.

The Chenbot reminds Jenn she’s been on slop for four long, hellish weeks, so they give her a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich. She wants to eat it IMMEDIATELY. She’s so hungry! There is something surprisingly poignant about this, but not for long because soon Jenn is trying to answer questions with a mouthful of peanut butter, and I suspect Julie Chen really wants the segment to be over. 

HOH competition! There’s a big roll of film, because the theme is photographic memory. Get it? Too bad no one uses film anymore and hasn’t for years, so I’m not sure if this is quite as evocative as the producers hope. Julie will ask them questions about photographs they’ve seen. 

Question one: Everyone guesses correctly.

Question two: The answer is Britney was wearing a hat, and everyone got it right.

Question three: Mike Boogie had a blue towel. Everyone gets it right but Dan. 

Question four: Danielle gets it wrong, but Shane and Dan get it right. So, Danielle and Dan are tied.

Question five: Shane gets it wrong. Everyone’s tied. 

Okay, finally it gets down to Shane’s out, and it’s a final tiebreaker between Dan and Danielle. Danielle wins! I’m sure Dan is disappointed, but he shouldn’t be. With Danielle in “control,” the puppet master is just fine.

Do you think Dan will call the shots as we head into the final? Do you think Ian can save himself? Who do you think will win?

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