‘Big Brother’ recap: Who will Shane nominate for eviction?

07.29.12 5 years ago 4 Comments


So, JoJo’s gone, Shane’s HOH and Danielle is feeling lucky. I think she’d like to assist Shane in feeling lucky, as she has overcome her resentment toward JoJo (hey, she’s gone, why bother?) and is feeling pretty forgiving toward Shane. Or at least it seems that way after she gives Shane a big, sticky hug. Time for showmance!

Alas, Shane isn’t feeling lucky. He’s alll alone in the house (if you don’t count Danielle licking the back of his knees). Wil is not alone in the house, but he’s now worried. Wil ALWAYS looks worried. I think he’s just made that way. Anyway, he’s glad JoJo is gone, but realizes he could go next.

Frank is thinking he’s safe this week, as he has a deal with Shane. Yeah, don’t get too comfy, Frank. If we’ve learned anything from the coaches this season, it’s that deals are about as solid in this house as yesterday’s Jell-O. Or last week’s chitlins, or whatever the have-nots are eating lately.

Joe thinks Shane’s HOH win is a total buzzkill. Is Joe still in this game? Huh. Hadn’t noticed.

Wil thinks he’s seen as a shiny, white doe that can be taken out with one shot. Really? I think Wil just likes the idea of being a shiny, white doe. I don’t see Wil as a physical threat to anyone, unless maybe there’s a challenge which requires everyone to spastically imitate Bambi, but let him believe what he wants.

Boogie is so glad Shane is HOH! He and Frank have a side deal with Shane, thus he has to pretend he’s sad that Shane is HOH when nothing could be further from the truth. Boogie always likes an opportunity to fake it. Britney is going after Janelle.

Ashley thinks Britney is drunk with power right now. She finds this scary. Oh, Ashley. She’s also scared of her own shadow, candy and fuzzy slippers.

Time to see Shane’s HOH room! He’s very happy to have a blanket. Sleeping in the have-nots room for two weeks makes you appreciate the simple things. Like hot water, snacks, foods that aren’t slop, that sort of thing.

Britney’s happy to have a picture of herself and her husband on their wedding day.

Shane invites everyone to share his snacks. No one moves. No one wants to eat, no one wants to be in the HOH room, no one wants to leave. It’s pretty tense and unhappy in the HOH room.

Joe tells Janelle and Wil they’re going to be targeted. Janelle has to rebuild her relationship with Britney. Oh, Janelle, that ship sailed, hit an iceberg, became a movie and an exhibit in Las Vegas.

Joe decides the best way to stay in the house is to use ALLLL the food to make a royal breakfast for Shane. And take it to him like a loving boyfriend. For some reason, Shane does not seem impressed that a fat, middle-aged guy is bringing him breakfast in bed.

Ashley tells Boogie she’s a modern day hippie who listens to rap music and has a dream board. She got an iPhone by using her dream board! A guy from Target just gave her one! Well, not really. He just had her trade in her Android and probably charged her and stuff, but still! Dream boards WORK!

Boogie’s dream board would be that his three players could play against this idiot. Don’t count her out, Boogie. This game is not ruled by intelligence. Just by agreeing to enter the “Big Brother” house we have to assume you don’t test higher than 110 I.Q.

Shane assures Frank he’s going to be true to their alliance. He wants Wil out, so Frank will campaign to kick him to the curb.

Jenn talks about coming out. Her mom was fine with it, in that she knew but wasn’t sure if Jenn knew. I’m wondering if her mom was as understanding about the leopard-print sleeve tattoo.

Jenn’s turn-ons? Intelligence. She wants to make love to a girl’s brain. Danielle is over her fear of lesbians having met Jenn! She thought they’d all, like, hit on her and pressure her to go gay and stuff!

Danielle tells Shane to put up Wil and Frank. That would be the smartest move! Shane is conflicted. Danielle and Shane shake hands on a final two deal.

Time for the Coaches’ Competition! They must dress like Jennifer Beals in “Flashdance” or Olivia Newton-John and do something on gym equipment. They have to do as many reps as they can handle. Wow, this sounds like 7p.m. at the 24-Hour Fitness down the street from me.

Janelle is going to feel the burn, because she needs this win. As we know, Janelle is the Comp Queen, so I suspect she’s saving Wil or Joe. Wait, Boogie won the first heat? What? Britney is eliminated. And she has to pick two players to be have-nots for the week. She chooses Ian and Joe. Ian thinks this is a good thing, as people will keep him in the game to get beaten up. Okay, Ian. He’s been floating by like a lizard-like blimp, so maybe he’s got a point.

Boogie, being old and infirm, can’t handle the second competition, and is eliminated. He has money he must share with two hamsters. He gives $3,000 to Ian and $1,000 to Jenn. And keeps $6,000 for himself. And Ian cries. Three-thousand dollars is more money than he can imagine! Good thing, as he’ll have to hand over most of it in taxes.

The last challenge is a gross thing involving the tongue. We now know certain things about Janelle and Dan I don’t think any of us wanted to know. Boogie feels bad for all the 8th grade girls he tried to kiss with that feeble tongue work. I think that’s the only comment that could be used on the air.

Dan wins a five-person crew to go on a sushi party. He invites the other coaches. It’s strategic, as he doesn’t want the coaches making any moves while he’s out of the house. He also invites Shane and Danielle.

Now, Janelle can either save a player or trade a player. She’s not trading, so she’s saving… Wil. Duh. I guess he won’t be a little white doe this week.

Time to vote on whether you want the coaches to be able to enter the game as players, or keep the game the way it’s been. Hey, this is just like that ABC show “Glass House,” isn’t it? Kidding, kidding.

The have-nots get cereal and salmon. Ian thinks this is one of the best have-not menus ever. I get the impression that Ian is only eating ramen and dryer lint in student housing.

Joe and Janelle visit Shane and Britney to talk about nominations. Janelle talks. And talks. And talks. You can hear the suction of Janelle’s lips on Shane and Britney’s butts. Boogie stops by Shane’s room to make sure Frank has insurance. Britney doesn’t trust Boogie or Frank. Shane is so conflicted!

Britney and Shane talk. She wants to put up Frank and Joe. Shane doesn’t know what to do!

Time to put hamsters on the block. Worry, worry!

Jenn is safe.
Ian is safe.
Danielle is safe.
Frank is safe.

Joe and Ashley are on the block. Shane thinks it’s time for Janelle to feel some pain.

Ashley feels so alone! She cries! Janelle isn’t worried. She wants to have her players fight! Frank knows he can trust Shane completely and has his back for the long haul. Joe might have a heart attack. But before that, he wants to get Shane out of the house. Hmm, I think he’ll have a heart attack first.

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